Because I Said So! Part Two

Part Two of Because I Said So continues to delve into parenting both our children and when children become the parents!  Andre shares the “empty nest moments”of parenthood with teens moving to independence and Anitra points out the challenges of becoming a parent to your parents. The Savage Siblings discuss the experiences of taking care of elderly parents and shifts of support. 

If you are experiencing taking care of your older parents or at the season of life when teen children move out, you will enjoy this episode. We’ll examine the life cycle of raising and rearing children with love and life lessons.  Let this episode encourage you to share your experiences and encourage you to reflect on effective ways to make the needed transitions for your children and yourself.  

Memorable quotes:

• “Because I said so,  it comes from a place of love.” ~ Andre
• “There are three phases of parenting: Parenting, Coaching, and Advising.” ~ Anitra
• “Advisors never chase the mentees.” ~ Anitra
• “Parents in coaching are guardians.” ~ Anitra
• “Parenting styles and how you receive it impact transitions for children and parents.” ~  Anitra
• “Disciplining the mood of your child causes the child to miss the message.” ~ Andre
• “Honor doesn’t mean you control or dictate.” ~ Anitra
• “End of life cycle, honoring parents is forward thinking.” ~ Andre

Keywords: 

#MentalHealth, #therapy,  #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling,  #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast 

#BecauseIsaidso, #Comesfullcircle, #RewardswithReprimand, #Parentingstyles,  #Transitions, #Emptynester,  #Forwardthinking, #SavageSiblingCommunity

Call to Action: 

• Post comments! Leave us a review!
• Share your stories of your parents needing you to parent them!  
• Any topics you want us to discuss?

Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography

CHAPTERS
00:00:00 - Introduction
00:02:09  Savage Segment: The Thanos Mentality
00:23:00  Savage Segment: Who gets to parent the parents?
00:30:29  Savage Segment: It's About Contribution
00:43:48  Transformational Perspective: Not Every Grown Child is Ready to Parent their Parent
00:50:12  The Quick Shot: Parenting vs Coaching vs Advising
01:00:15  The Final Blow: It's About Honor
01:04:09  Closing: Thanks for joining us!

Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.

Transcript

Anitra: 0:04

Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am Anitra in Lawson storyteller, producer, educator, content creator. He is Dr. Andre Evans. He's a game changer, change-maker, full-time goofball , and the brother I never wanted. We are the Savage siblings, and this is the Savage Siblings Podcast where we are brutally honest, relentlessly transparent, and unapologetically authentic. As always, we are so glad you guys are rocking with us. Listen, welcome back to part two. Yes, part two of, because I said so the last episode we left off discussing a really interesting season of life. You know, when children become parents to their parents, and I know some of you can relate to that. So as we mentioned in that last episode, that part one, it got really good to Dre and I and we chatted much longer than we usually do, which is so sad to say, but it's true. So this is how we got a part two that you're now listening to, but if you didn't listen to part one, I need you to stop, gotta pause right here, right now. Go and listen to part one. And this is so that you can hear the foundation that we laid about the stages of parenting, right? We talk about going from parenting your kids to coaching your kids, to advising your, you know, young adult children. Right? We unpack the differences and similarities in between how siblings are parented different by their parents. Cuz Dre and I both had different approaches with our parents, and then how that impacts the way that we parent our children now as adults, right? So we laid a lot of foundation , uh, specific to defining the cycles of life. We talked about resolving parenting issues and parenting styles, and all of that leapfrogs into what we're gonna discuss in this episode, which is part two of, because I said so. So once you're all caught up, come back here so you can listen if you're ready. Without further ado, this is part two of, because I said so, and the most important question is, Hey, are y'all ready to get savage? Okay, good. Let's get savage. Um, I'll kick it back to you, brother. One of the things that, that we've been talking about is what , what I kinda labeled the Thanos mentality , uh, in terms of just, it , it being inevitable that, listen, we going , we gonna get old. Okay . Y'all like, I , I wish there was some sort of limitless elixir that we could , some pool of youth that you pool of endless youth Yeah. Mm-hmm . That we could inject or take, whatever. But I always say this, this joke is , um, it's, it's funny. I remember, you know, grandpa saying, I gotta get ready for bed. You know, when you're young, you're like, what does that even mean? Just go to bed. Right? Right . Keep living . Right . Keep living. Because I wonder why our mom would be sleeping on the couch, or grandpa would sleep on the couch and I'd be saying, just go get in the bed. Well, here's the thing, as you get older, you can't just go get in bed. No. It takes a lot to take your routine, routine clothes off, routine , routine . You gotta go and take your denture. You gotta go and set things up for the next day. Like, do you sleep on the couch? Cause you like

Andre: 3:10

To work ? You start to negotiate some things you can leave to the next day. Like , do I really need to shower ? Do I really need to take out these dentures, <laugh> ,

Anitra: 3:18

Can I sleep in these clothes?

Andre: 3:19

Do I really need to brush my teeth?

Anitra: 3:21

<laugh> ? So it is inevitable that we are definitely, you know, we're all going to age, all gonna get older. Uh, but, you know, what are your thoughts, bro? Bro , when it comes to this notion of transitioning and , um, how our parents, you know, well , we gotta know that they're gonna need our, our parenting, they're gonna need our support. How do we handle the inevitability of getting old

Andre: 3:43

Of that ? You know? And, and so I wanna I wanna go back to Sure, sure. The resolving for a second mm-hmm . <affirmative> in order to move forward to the transition. Absolute. Because oh my gosh, you, you definitely hit such a poignant and important part of being able to transition. That's good to , to the caretaker . That's , and that is resolving parenting issues Yeah . And parent resolving parenting styles because mm-hmm . If you don't do that, you can't even contribute to the transition. Mm-hmm . Right ? Right . That's good. If you don't resolve the issues both as a parent or as a child with your parent, you can't even transition to the moment where you can healthy a health in a healthy and well way, way that's be able to That's good . Take care of, of your parents. And there's a term that , um, psychologists use mm-hmm . <affirmative> called , uh, parentification. Mm-hmm . And , and so if you , if you think of , uh, what is that? What happens to, oh, Petr, you know, when a wood piece or when a mm-hmm . <affirmative> , uh, uh, um, a tree trunk gets petrified, it's

Anitra: 4:44

Stuck. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Yep .

Andre: 4:45

It's stuck in this, this state that's hardened that it , there's no more life, no more growth mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Well , so, you know, resolving, you know, parenting issues and resolving parenting styles is what actually keeps you as a child from being petrified or being parentified, if you will. Yeah . That's good . Um , right. And, and so, so when we think of that moment, when we think of that resolving those things, you gotta first think about the fact that, you know, well , number one, your parents weren't perfect. You are not perfect as a parent. Right ? Right. Yep . And , and the beauty of that, of that situation is, is there were times where we knew mom and dad weren't perfect, but because we had each other as siblings, we could push past emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, some of the imperfections we saw. We could look at each other and say, yeah, mom didn't get that right. Dad getting that. Right. But we could also look with each other and say, but hey, Nick, we'll get it right with our kids . Get it. Right . So let's, let's push past this moment. That's good. But some of the problem is, is when the, when the apology doesn't come, and apology can go a long way, I can't tell you how many times Danielle and I have had conversations where I've said, baby, I'm really baby girl. I'm really sorry I wasn't there.

Anitra: 6:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Andre: 6:04

And, and, and, and that is what gave her the capacity to allow me to parent her.

Anitra: 6:11

That's so good. Right?

Andre: 6:12

And instead of petrify her.

Anitra: 6:15

Yes . Ooh ,

Andre: 6:16

Ooh . Because if I don't apologize. If I don't, if I don't acknowledge that I'm not perfect as a parent, it petrifies her. And now, and, and I mean , in every single extent of the word, not only does it harden her to not want to give and risk and be vulnerable as a child with me, she'll actually refuse the care that I want to give, which means refuse the care that she may naturally want to give as my child. So, so you gotta be able to apologize. You gotta be able to resolve. But what happens a lot of times when parents don't do that, is they push their child into the role of a caretaker, or the role of some of, of kind of like a referee or, or, or peer with a parent. And, and, and, and that's obviously, that is detrimental to the relationship of the parent or the child, right? Yes . Because when you push your child into being, your peer pushed your child to being a care caretaker because you haven't resolved your parenting issues good . You haven't resolved your parenting style issues, now all of a sudden your children are being developed inappropriately for, for , for lifelong adult situations . Goodness . When we look at that parentification man, we're looking at this moment where there's this life spectrum, this life cycle mm-hmm . <affirmative> , and all you've done is you've caused hurt in different stages of your kids' life cycle . Kids that are parentified <laugh> , they often need all this kind of inner child work. And here's my example to that. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , when I finally became the father I needed to be for Daniella, she regressed

Anitra: 7:56

Wow .

Andre: 7:56

And went back to almost five years old in her twenties, because that's the last time she saw me operate as a father. And I missed so many years for so many reasons. I had to resolve that. And in the regression, I then had to say, oh, she's, I , what I had to recognize is, wait, she's allowing me to be a parent here, so let me go, let me give , let me , let me do it . Yes . Let me , let me do it. Let me step up and be the parent I need to be. Let me step up and be , uh, and , and help her through this season, this phase of me saying, no, I am your father. Lemme

Anitra: 8:35

Tell you . And can I just say something real quick here, bro , bro , absolute . Just really quick. That's a huge shout out to any of you that might be in that position, right ? Absolutely . The humility and the courage it takes that , yes, you might be 45, 55 years old when you have this resolved with your child, but parent don't say, you're too busy. Don't say it's too late. Don't say, oh , well, I missed the opportunity when that opportunity presents. That's a gift from God. And you step into it. And I just wanna applaud you , uh, for not allowing anything from your pride to fear to , uh, yeah , absolutely . Just that mindset is too, you know, it's too late. Like, none of that seeping in. So just good for you. I just wanted to say that, but I'm

Andre: 9:16

Go ahead and , and , but , and here's, and here's how that looks for those of you hearing this message in this moment, before Daniella allowed me to step into the phase of parenting, she was a serious kid. Everything was serious, everything was professional, everything was stoic, everything. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , when I said, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, baby girl, I'm sorry, but let's go do, let's do what we can now . Let's do, oof . Uh , how did I put it ? I'm sorry I wasn't there. And I would say something, y'all might laugh, but it was so great for the moment, but can we go get ice cream and talk about it right now? That's so good. Yeah . I , I wanna make sure y'all heard what I just said. I feel that Oof . Can we go get ice cream and talk about it right now? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , can we, can we, can we go to the amusement? Can we go to , can you meet me at Disney World? And we can just hang , right? So I'm doing these things, but, and here's what changed in that moment, and here's why. Nikki , what you said is so poignant. Take the opportunity when they allow you to be the parent, when , even if you haven't been, take the opportunity because Daniella stopped being so serious. I stalled Daniella be the five-year old girl. Yeah . And then the six year old girl, and then the seven year old girl. And slowly she caught up to being where we were in reality. In other words, I saw her go from these grand, eloquent, professional words to this childlike laughing, playing in the rain, being silly. Yep . Being silly. And when she moved there, I remembered what it was like being a parent for friend . And Corey , I got to be silly again. Mm-hmm . I got to be childlike. I got to be, and it wasn't a peer to peer thing, it was a , Hey, I remember doing this with friend and Corey . We were doing things that Chris and Corey and I did when they were young and had a joy, and it deepened our relationship. And that's why I said, now at the end of my life cycle , Daniella's gonna look at me and my wife and be like, no , y'all living with me. Y'all ain't finna go to no, no, no home . Y'all living with me. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I'm, I'm finna take care of y'all. And , and don't get me wrong, friend , she'll be there, <laugh> she'll . Right . Right . She'll check in, Corey , she'll be there. Yeah . You know ? Yeah . Hundred percent . But , but it's because Yes, Nikki is so poignant when you said that, when they give you, when they show you that they're going to allow you to be the parent, be the parent when they allow you to move into coaching, be the coach. Yes. No matter what kind , hold off the advisement phase as long as you can. Yes . Because that you don't wanna miss those first two phases. So Yeah. Is it inevitable? That's why I'm saying this. Yes. It's inevitable. You're going to become old one day and you're going to look at them, they're gonna look at you and watch this based on how you move through those phases. Nikki talked about, that's gonna let you know how your end of cycle, your full circle. Yeah . Uh , how it's gonna come to, to fruition. It's gonna let you know. And, and, and, and so then from the kid point, so now I just talk from the parent point . It's inevitable. Mom and dad, they're at the age where we're saying, all right , I need y'all to think about what the next season of your life looks like, which means whether you like it or not, you're no longer independent. Yep . <laugh>, you're , you're no longer independent. Nope . You ain't finna just be living by yourself, an apartment dad. Nope . You know? Mm-hmm . And , and , and here's the thing. If he says, I'm gonna go live with my siblings, cool . I know there's gonna be a season where he can't live with them. All right , dad, now it's time. Yeah . You know, now, now it's time to come. And, and, and it's the thought process as a kid, and this is why I said it's so important that you let you operate in the phase your children are inviting you in mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Because at some point you're going to impact how they think of you when you're that age. And here's the thing, they can think of you as a burden. Mm . Or instead Right. They can think of their new role in your life as not necessarily parenting their parent, but instead they can think of themselves as a trusted ally and resource for your life becoming great at the end of life. Yeah . And I think you kind of hinted on that earlier mm-hmm . <affirmative> , at some point, when you balance out the relationship, you're , you , you need to have, when you're walking through these phases as a parent, and when they, if your parents balanced it out with you at some point, it's just like you said, Nikki , when you become the parent, when the pa when the child becomes the parent, the child has to be able to say, how do I make the best life the best Yeah . For my parents . Yep . And I'm gonna do it because they did the best life they could give me as they operated , uh, through the different phases , uh, that that, that I allow them into. And so you don't, you don't, you don't look at it as a burden. You don't look at it as, I gotta , I gotta take, I don't even wanna look at it as caretaking. Right . What I wanna look at at is as, as I'm a resource from my mom and dad, so that they can have the best life they can have at end of life. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . That's so good . And that's why I look at it. And, and the, and the other thing is, is that mindset promotes a healthier lifestyle, a healthier lifestyle overall. And the reason why it does is because when you think of it as a burden, when you think of yourself as caretaker, you end up letting that role caretaker define your own relationship.

Anitra: 14:55

Your relationship. That is it.

Andre: 14:57

Oof . And we can't do that. That'll, that'll wear you out. You'll get burdened. No, I'm gonna say, dad, now that you with me, my wife or, or Daniela, I know her, she gonna say, dad, now that you and your wife are with us, it's time to make new memories. That's so good . It's time to make new good this season , uh, goals, new life achievements. It's not time to look back and say, dog, I can't do this no more. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I can't do this. No, no, no. It's time to make new stuff. It's a new season, new stuff. Yeah . And that's how I would be. And that's, and and that's because that's the relationship that mom and dad gave us, right? Yeah. Yeah . You know, I, there's still things that I know mom wants to do, and I can't wait to have the opportunity. Maybe we could do some of those things together. But that's because when she was raising and rearing me, there was a lot of times where it was like, Andre, let's do something new. Yeah . What do you want to do? And same thing with dad. Dad was always , because like you said, dad is always saying, Hey, I just need you. I want you to live your best life . I'm here to support, I'm here for you . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , whatever you can dream, get after that thing.

Anitra: 16:07

Get after it.

Andre: 16:08

<laugh> , get after it. So, so yeah. While it's inevitable, they're gonna eventually need us to raise them. I think the mindset behind it, I'm not take , I'm not a caretaker. No. I'm a resource and an ally so that my parents can have the best life they can have at end of life. And I'm gonna do it with, we gonna make memories. We're gonna sh we're gonna make new moments that are going down , uh, to, to just create this great , uh, experience of life.

Anitra: 16:35

I love it. And, and I think it's f it's fair to also just to acknowledge that it is challenging. Yeah. It is . Um , looking in at that process and, and, and recognize that it'd be okay saying, okay, this is not gonna necessarily be as easy, but it doesn't have to be terrible or difficult or hard either to look at my parents getting older, look at myself getting older. Right. I know, I remember when our dad first , uh, you know, got rid of all his teeth and got dentures. Oh my God . And I , God just remember going, is that father sitting at this family event? Did he just take them 2000 ? He took us , he just took his two and they started eating in front everybody. Yes , he did . And he got a , he had a nerve to get a corn on the cob or something, but I was like, you know, you shouldn't be eating that <laugh> , you shoulda have went for the mashed potatoes. You know , what is going on? And you know, you , we laugh at it , but there's a moment when you go, whoa, I'd like, that's my dad. Like, yeah , I, you know, mom, for me growing up was superwoman like, right . Point blank period. Yeah . And it's tough sometimes for those of you who have moms and dads like that, that look her Herculean, that look like, and then you kind of have to eventually say, yeah, she's super rich woman <laugh> . Right, right. She , she's, she's slightly above ordinary woman .

Andre: 17:43

She's , what do you call it ? She's super adjacent,

Anitra: 17:45

<laugh> super adjacent there go . She's still dope. But yeah, I could see life is ages in it . And , and so it's not easy to do it, but I agree. I had a note here, and I love that Broa already mentioned it, that, you know, two things. One, it's inevitable in terms of human nature. We also push against that aging process. I think this is the reason why, you know, you got men and they seventies, it will still try to holler at a 20 year old <laugh> . Right. It's up to that <laugh> be like, girl, if you only knew, I still got it . Like Paul <laugh> . It's like, what? Like , so we pushing you ain't nothing but arthritis, <laugh> , and a prescription to Viagra. Right? Right . But that's, so it is hard for us to kind of embrace it. But I love what you say about mindset. Mindset really does equip you to embrace it. And bro , bro is Right. I think, you know, you spoke about it from, I think the standpoint of the child and, and, and not going into it as a burden, but taking it as more as a blessing, but Right. Um, it's even helping your parent have the mindset shift. Uh , absolutely. You know, two, two quick things that, that I, you know, just wanna point out. You know, our grandfather really talked to our mom when he was on his deathbed. You know, it was our grandfather. My mom's an only child. And , uh, well actually, you know, she had two, two siblings, but they passed away. And then my grandmother and he, you know, grandpa was very , uh, hurt. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , he realized that he was gonna leave this earth and leave his daughter and his mo and his wife. And that was very frustrating. So our mom talked about, you know, those last days, him talking to her and one of the things that he said, which I just thought was so profound, and it gave me so much perspective on how he was caregiving as a spouse, which is a , you know, a different role in different episodes. But he told our mom, you know, give, give grandma the small wind . Yeah. Yeah . He said, this is, now , this is a, this is a man who, I mean, what Dre they were married. Oh yeah . Well over 60 years, right? Yeah . Like 60, I mean Yeah . Decades. Marriages that don't exist anymore. That don't exist anymore. Yeah. And he had, you know, walked through them both losing two children. Yeah . That died in my grandmother's arms. Yeah. Uh, you know, her being highly intelligent during that generation and not being allowed to get past like a sixth or seventh grade education. Right . Always feeling very trapped. And so, you know, grandpa said to our mom, she has had a life where she's felt slighted and she didn't, and you know, right. Wrong or indifferent, that's what she felt. So when he would give her little boxes of chocolates and things like that mm-hmm . He was going after the small wins Yeah . For that mindset. Yeah . Yeah . For the mindset. And , um, you know, for , you know, you guys don't know this, but our grandmother, she struggled with her weight, obesity, things like that. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And from the outside looking in, we would be like, grandpa, why you keep bringing her that pie <laugh> ? Why you keep bringing her in cookies? Right , right. But I never understood until mom , mom told me what grandpa said on his deathbed and he says , she's not going to, you know, she's going for , give her the small things because so many larger things she hasn't resolved or she resolved and just kind of relegated to this is my life. Right . So you do the small things . So after he passed our mother, then set up family things where people come over and play cards, she made sure the house was , was welcoming. Yes . And that's about that mindset, right. That, you know, I'm also here going to, I can't, I can't parent her. She ain't, she ain't gonna do nothing different from her diet. Right . That ain't happening. She ain't gonna take no coaching. Right. So the best I can do is just kind of give her the small victories, open our, our house , bring family around. And I think that's so important for us to help our parents even have the best mindset. I , I used to do 5K runs and walks when I was in Florida. And me and some fam u folks, we would do those as well at bro, bro . We would run a little bit and then we walk, you know, we run a little bit. Right . Then we walk. Right , right. And so we were getting down to the end of this 5k and now mind you, we're in our twenties. There's a couple of professors probably in their forties, and we're in a little group. I kid you not, I hear this kind of, you know, this , it wasn't really a super loud voice, but this man, he yells on your left, 90 year old firecracker coming through. Love it. <laugh> . And, and mind you we're kind of walking and we should be running cuz we can see the finish line and we all turn and bravo . Now this man is speed walking cuz he is 90 or maybe than 90 right now. It's not a beautiful, you know, like Hercules, d n a type brand . Right , right , right . This is not someone that you could tell his whole family is, is, you know, it's not there. No. He looks every bit of 90 years old. <laugh> . But his mindset, that's it . When I tell you it parted the red. We all was like, go ahead. You deserve to go right head

Andre: 22:22

Moses, go

Anitra: 22:23

Ahead Moses. And he was just a trucking with his little speed walk. His little hips was just going as much as they can . Right . And I said, now that right there, that's what I'm talking about is that's that mindset. And so we have to, you know, encourage our , our parents as they go through it and ourselves too, that your mindset matters. And you already mindset , really mindset pointed that out. Mindset absolutely matters . So well, but help them also have that mindset of I'm a 90 year old firecracker coming through. He was like , on

Andre: 22:49

Your left , I love America . Come on .

Anitra: 22:57

Said , all right . Make it happen. So, so here , here's a great question though, in terms of looking at, you know, the inevitability. So, you know, this assumes that we have siblings, but not always, but who actually gets to parent. Yeah . Like how do you determine who should be, or parenting or you know , or coaching or advising who needs to step up? How does that, you know, how do we unpack that?

Andre: 23:17

You know, in my just very profound and professional recommendation. <laugh> , I think what determines that is , um, rock, paper, scissors. Right. Clearly drawing straws. Right . You know , any of those methods.

Anitra: 23:33

Expert analysis , highly

Andre: 23:34

Expert opinion, <laugh> , any of those will do . No , I know . I , you know ,

Anitra: 23:39

I think best five be five .

Andre: 23:42

Right . Until I win, it's gonna be the best out . Right . <laugh> . Right. Ok . You know, I I think a lot of it has to do with , um, which parent it is. Yeah. Um , and now if the parents are married, then which sibling it is. Mm-hmm . And it , and it's what I mean that mm-hmm . If it's, if the parents are not married, it's which parent it is , then it's, which sibling was closer to that parent has a better relationship that's with that , with that parent.

Anitra: 24:13

Look , poor Malachi <laugh> . Right . Shout out to the only children. I don't have that option. Right, right ,

Andre: 24:20

Right . Default . We'll , we'll, we'll refer Malachi to a different epi , a different podcast like Savage, solo <laugh> . Right . Default . Listen to that one. But as for those of us who have siblings, <laugh> , we're in the right place for this conversation. You know , I , I think that's what it is. Um , because cause if we look at even our own situation, I think it would've always have been even when we joke and laugh Yeah . Mom would've gravitated towards you by your conversation. Yeah . Dad would gravitate towards me by my conversation. Right. Yeah . We would never have to ask mom or dad. We would've been like, nah , you got mom, I got dad. Yeah . Because of our personalities and our relationship. Sure . Right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Now, had they been married, I think that would've been a different conver . Oh , oh yeah . That definitely would've been a different convers conversation. Would um, and I don't know which way that would go. I think it would be, depends on which one has the most Senil. <laugh> ,

Anitra: 25:16

Yeah . Yes. <laugh> .

Andre: 25:19

Cause whoever's the most senile, right . Who's gonna be the biggest I'll come

Anitra: 25:22

Help you

Andre: 25:24

Difficulty . Right . So in this case

Anitra: 25:25

That's we intervene with the other spouse. Like , ok , what's the plan ?

Andre: 25:30

Depends on who got the most humility at that point. Listen ,

Anitra: 25:32

I'm gonna hold him down. What are you gonna do <laugh> ?

Andre: 25:36

I'm like , if, if dad is the most senile, then I think they're both coming with you. If mom is the most senile, they might be coming with me because me and dad could probably manage mom.

Anitra: 25:46

Right . <laugh> . But if it's dad all hands off , everybody leaving cricket .

Andre: 25:51

So I but no and all , no, I'm serious though . Those are relationship type type issues. So I think in those scenarios it really is about, you know, what's the circumstance? It's not cookie cutter. What's the circumstance? Yeah . Uh, which personalities get along better or which relationship dynamics Also then which household has the greater dynamics for the need . Right.

Anitra: 26:14

Oh, you better teach, you better teach

Andre: 26:16

Big part . Right . Malachi is so enriched and blessed because Nana's there.

Anitra: 26:21

Yes.

Andre: 26:22

Danielle , multi generation , well Danielle is an adult, but Pri Corey wouldn't have been impacted like Malachi is percent cause they're so independent. And so they been like, Nana, can you go sit down, go sit down somewhere <laugh> , and you get out of our new way . Nana, Nana, can you get outta the kitchen? <laugh> ?

Anitra: 26:38

Wait , I have to tell you the funniest story, just , just real quick here. When Nana went, she went to visit , uh, Corey , Corrine and uh, Katina for one of the holidays. But so she <laugh> she gets up early. Nana's an early riser and she's also loud. She just, she the Dangerfield family, they just danger , don't know how to get the decibels of their voice. Right. And God bless my niece Corey , she woke up like she was sleeping in the room, but mama so loud her voice was carrying through. But because she was like, Nana, you're my nana and I love you. She was like, but if you weren't my nana, I would've come out here about three hours ago and been like, please keep it down <laugh>. And I was right . I said, yep . It's so glad that she doesn't live with her full time . Cause that would turn into a full out argument. But she said, cause you're my nana and I love you. Right . I just dealt with it for the last three hours. Yeah. Your voice is loud. Just so you know. <laugh> .

Andre: 27:29

Right. And see, those are the dynamics I'm talking about. Like , I'd have been like , for the sake of my home and peace with my own children right now , my you gotta go stay with Nick <laugh>

Anitra: 27:40

Mother-in-law hot in the back. <laugh> . Right.

Andre: 27:44

Listen , there's a, what do you call that? There's a pup tint in the back and an air mattress. Right .

Anitra: 27:49

That's what you can do. And a hose.

Andre: 27:51

Right . Wash yourself off. That's what you can do .

Anitra: 27:54

Get some water.

Andre: 27:56

I get you one of them solar panels that maybe generate some heat for you , but that's the place you're getting . Uh , because again, it's, it's the dynamics of the relationship. It's the dynamics of the home. Um, and the beautiful thing though is, is Malachi is gonna return that in kind to you when it comes time. Sure. Really Sure . Really is. And that, that's whereas me, I already told you my situation, <laugh> , I'll be with Daniela , the other two leave me out the dry <laugh> , they're gonna leave me out the dry . That's what it's,

Anitra: 28:26

Let me add this cuz this, I, this is really weird for me, especially because we've been talking about my dad dynamics with our dad. But I I'm gonna put this out there listeners. Y'all can cla clap back. Y'all can correct me. I'm, I'm open to it. I tend to believe that girls take care of, they papas and boys take care of their mamas when we get to this space. And the only reason why I wanna point it out is a lot of my, my closest best friends, those from Kansas, those are here all , um, and they're not all actually daddy's girls, but it's just already clear. And then a lot of my, my, my male friends who have daughters, like some of 'em were like going to their wife's like, no , we gotta keep going till I get a girl. <laugh> this girl gonna take care of me at the end of the day, like, yeah, I got my boy, but I definitely need a girl. Right. And so it , it's funny, as I listened to it from different aspects, I was like, Hmm . But I find myself now, bro, bro, thinking about I gotta talk to dad. I gotta see, like, I find myself aware of it and open to mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative> , uh, what is this space in terms of just making sure he's good. We've already, you know, clearly articulated he is, he is advisory all the way. And so that's kind of how we have to handle it with him. Right. But I tend to think that yeah. That there's something about, you know, girls when it's healthy, when everything is healthy and dynamic, taking care of their papas and boys, certainly looking out for their moms. Cause I definitely feel that way. Formal Malachi and me. So what do you think about that?

Andre: 29:47

I I I I think your key there is when it's healthy. Right?

Anitra: 29:50

When it's healthy. Yeah.

Andre: 29:51

Yeah. Um, and but, but then the question becomes statistically speaking. Yeah . When is it healthy? Right? Yeah . Numbers . Cause would tell you that the majority of that in that scenario situation, the majority, I would say that girls have a tendency to want to take care of their dads and their moms boys have a tendency to not want to take care of anybody.

Anitra: 30:11

Anybody. <laugh>. All right . So we want the listeners to let us know your thoughts on that. For sure. Um, the only thing I would say I would point out is that there is also , um, and , and Dre kind of pointed this out in the last little piece about the honor , um, you know, and taking care of your parents. There's some of us that have two things. One, some people really do just think it's an honorable thing. Like you value it. Absolutely . You think about the healthy , uh, circumstances that your parents, the sacrifices they made, all that they sowed into you. And so , uh, and it , and it's great. I think when your mindset is about that honor because it also means you're not controlling. Uh , it also means you can really clearly delineate and , and kind of differentiate when you need to parent, coach and advise. And it also means if you have siblings, you're also not trying to dictate , uh, because you're happy to contribute in whatever capacity that the season needs, understanding that it might shift mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And so I definitely think for those of us that have the mindset about the honor and giving back to our parents, ideally when it's been healthy it's easier. But even when it hasn't been healthy , um, some of us just have that mindset. And the other thing is some of us are natural caregivers. Sure . Naturally empathetic, naturally have the gift of help or giving and it's innate in you. And so, you know, that's good. That means you can use that to also give that to your parents. Uh, you could use that to help a sibling that maybe is taking on the lion's share at a certain season to say, okay, well how can I support you as you support them? And I definitely think when it comes down to who gets to parent , siblings have to consider that. Like, you know, is DRE better at managing finances? Is Dre better at talking to dad? Is is he just a little bit more empathetic in that way? Um, can he do this? And if so, let me allow him to operate in those gifts and find out where I can be supportive in a different area. Right. Um, but it does mean that you kind of set aside and r really not set aside but resolve any path that you can focus on as, you know, as Andre already said, on really , um, you know, being a blessing there too. So what about unique circumstances, bro? Or any , or any thoughts you wanna add there? Cuz sometimes, like I said, divorce, separated, et cetera .

Andre: 32:22

So, so well what I wanna add to the uniqueness there is, is is you, you , one of the areas you also have to see, so like in, in , in life right now you are at, you as my sister are at a different season of life activities as I am mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Right . And so what I mean, what I mean by that is, is this isn't the season for me to be taking care of a parent because I still want to travel. I wanna , I want to , I I I have life things I want to do that require me to be away from the home a lot. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> .

Anitra: 32:56

Mm-hmm.

Andre: 32:56

<affirmative> . And so then what am I doing? Am I boarding mom or dad? Like they're a pet <laugh> ? Like , cause cause you know, some places

Anitra: 33:04

Taking

Andre: 33:04

Three please. Right? I'd love to take them with me, but are they gonna slow me down? Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, so I think there's also that life , uh, stage life activity stage that that one sibling's in versus the other. And that's not to say you don't have the aspirations of going, but you also have Malachi. Right. So there's , there's something , it's a family you can't do. Yeah . I'm, I'm about to be an empty nester. So the world is wide open to me. Yep . Yeah . And , and, and so there may be some things that I'm saying to myself, wait a second, I didn't get to do this while I was raising. I can't raising Karen and Corey while I was parenting and, and and becoming a father to Daniela, but now that mm-hmm . I'm an empty nester. There's some stuff mm-hmm . I want to do. If I bring in a parent who I have to parent now, I can't do it. Right? Mm-hmm . Now. And so I , I you know, sometimes it's, it's what season of life activities are. Then will I always be that way? No. You know, 10, 20 years from now I'm like okay, I'm ready to settle down and just, I ain't ready to go anywhere. Yeah . Well 10 years from now if that becomes the case, then now I'm saying, Hey Nick , you need a break.

Anitra: 34:11

Yeah.

Andre: 34:12

Yeah. You know , cuz then you're moving into empty nester . Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Mm-hmm . Nick , you need a break? All right . Cool. And , and mom , that's the other thing. Poor mom and dad, that's the other thing. Right ? Like, wait, I'm settled here in la, I gotta move to San Diego. Why? Because I said so <laugh> . I so , cause it's my turn to go out . I'm Finn to be an empty nester. <laugh> , you finna go .

Anitra: 34:34

What ?

Andre: 34:37

I don't hear. No , I know. I don't hear no back talk <laugh> pack your bag . I know y'all don't hear no back

Anitra: 34:44

Talk . Be sitting out on the front lawn with a bag and clutching one bag just waiting to be picked up . Listen ,

Andre: 34:50

Listen.

Anitra: 34:51

<laugh>

Andre: 34:53

<laugh> and I'm gonna roll up whenever I get there too.

Anitra: 34:56

Right? And you gonna wait basically. But you , you bring up a good point because it's two-sided too, like the season that you're in in terms of Right . You know, traveling and you're empty nesting. But even what's good for the parent, which you kind of already said that too, but you know, this has been perfect for mom to kind of really spark a new season in her life. Ooh . Yeah . Cause you can get to late sixties, seventies and you know, when you're unmarried if you have, you know, a spouse that's deceased or whatever the circumstance and start feeling like, okay, this is kind of it. And so it was a blessing for us too that she came and then now she's got a grandson that's a middle schooler. Yes. Yes. And she loves education. So all the people at the school know her and p t a folks know her. And I'm like, look at mom up here with all these 30 and 40 year old parents mm-hmm . <affirmative> and she's 70 plus and can run the building. Like, and so I , that's what I love about the conversation Yeah . Of the unique se you know, circumstances of what makes the most sense in this season. Right . And in this case, it's given her activity . She wasn't hardly walking when she moved here. Now she walks five miles a day. Absolutely. And that came from being connected to her grandson to me. Yes . Yes. And that's a space that she needed to be in. And so I totally agree is that you have to really analyze it. And you already mentioned for health concerns. I always laugh at the fact that our, our grandfather built a like, house long ramp for our grandmother for cause she was in a wheelchair is not just a ramp that's like a couple of feet. It was like the length of the side of the house . Yes, it was. Because that's how you could build it. Right. But it, again, it had to come down to this is what the need is to support, you know, this season of our grandmother. And so our mom understood, you know, this house has been designed, you know, for them in these latter years. I have another good friend who her parents don't want her to, you know, air quote , stop her life to take care of them. The bro bro , they, they purchased the house next to the house that they've lived in their whole life. Oh wow. And they've spent the last 10 years designing it, retrofitting it for wide doors all one level and setting it up. Because their bottom line was, yes, daughter, we know you love us. Yes. We know you would drop everything at the d you know, drop of a dime to come and take care of us. But we are going to, and this goes back to your point about when your children allow you to, well the parents have to allow it too . Yes, they do. And so their bottom line is, we don't want you to parent or to coach , uh, if anything there's advisory. So we're gonna do everything on our power to make sure that you can continue to live life. So they've got it set up that when they get to a point to where they can't take care of each other or themselves , they can literally move in next door to this home that right next door designed for them's . And then their main house is now open for them to hire someone. That person can stay there and then help for them. And so, you know, it's , it is a, it's a family effort. It's a two-way street. It it is something that's broader, but if you're not talking about it, you know, you're not gonna get to that, to that point. So , um, you know, how do you think parents, you know, or how, whether do we parent or coach or advise once we have made this transition, made this transition and now we actually are bringing them there. What are your thoughts on that? So,

Andre: 38:01

So, so know that's where I think like it's, you know, each situation is going to be unique. So for us mm-hmm . Right. You have the physical care of mom. Yeah . But together we have the emotional, the mental behavioral care of mom, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . So there , that's why I have to That's good. So, so what do you do? Well , you know, w we understand that, you know, Nikki , these are the things that you bring to the table mm-hmm . <affirmative> as a village participant to raise mom.

Anitra: 38:28

Yeah. That's good.

Andre: 38:28

That's good. So then Andre knows that he's gotta check in with mom emotionally and mentally Yeah . And see how she's doing. And I do and, and , and oftentimes I, you know, and Nikki , I don't call you and say, Hey, I checked on mom emotionally because that's Yeah . You know, cuz she made be saying , I'm sick and tired of Nikki , so I'm not gonna say that <laugh> , I'm not gonna you help . So , so I take on her so she can pour out so that then she can continue to have a daughter and I can continue to have a sister. Yes . Right?

Anitra: 38:58

Yes . Yes. So I don't

Andre: 39:00

Die. I try . So I just, I check on her. But, so that's what I bring to the table because I can't bring the physical environment mm-hmm. <affirmative> I bring then. So, so it's, it's what do you bring to the table now? Cuz it's not just, it's not just Nikki , you took on mom. Right? We did ly I justly have just a different role. I'm not just gonna be the one that takes on dad. We are going to take on dad. Absolutely. And you just have a different role. Absolutely . And , and , and you know, we, it's , to me it's that life support, right? Yeah . It's , uh, you know , uh, it's, it's uh, at some point we're gonna have the conversation about, you know, the finances. Mm-hmm . We're gonna have the conversation about the health decisions. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , we're gonna have the conver conversation about again, end of life care Yeah . For both mom and dad. Yeah . I'll bring what I can to the table for mom. You'll bring what you can for mom. I'll bring what I can for dad. You'll bring what you can for dad. So it's, it's a , it's, it's just bringing your absolute best to the table because mom and dad brought their absolute best that they could for you. That's so good . Good . And raising and rearing. So, so to me that's kind of , it's, it's not cookie cutter, but how do you do it? You , you look at you, you look at whatever the village, everybody brings their best from the village and

Anitra: 40:16

I love it . Do what we

Andre: 40:17

Can. And

Anitra: 40:18

I would just add, play to your strengths too. You know , like be clear, Andre is definitely more parent coach oriented. I'm definitely more coach advisor oriented and mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-hmm <affirmative> . I have no problem calling in for backup. When , when we made the decision and I say we, we made it and he and I made the decision to relocate our mom. No , we did .

Andre: 40:35

We did. Yeah .

Anitra: 40:36

I had been kind of seeing some things, was worried, was thinking about her living by herself. And so, but I'm much more, you know, my nature is more advisory.

Andre: 40:46

So I remember what it was is like you kept wanting to say no , just let's just see how she does. Let's just see how she does. And I was like, no we Finn take her to this park . Nope . We finna sit her down And we been tell her what you gonna do <laugh> . Right . Exactly what we did. And that's

Anitra: 40:59

My point.

Andre: 41:00

Yeah. We did like, no Nikki , Nikki be like, no mom, you can make it there. You all right. You'll let us know when you wanna know. I'll like , nah , you ready now

Anitra: 41:07

I'm telling I was you ready Now I was an advisor. I was like, you're gonna have to get a dog an alarm. You need to get a gun. We're gonna have, you know, I'm going through all the advisory things and that's my point is play to your strengths. My brother has no problem when it comes to our parents and just saying No, this is what it is. I'm gonna rip the bandaid off and you guys are gonna deal. And so I knew to call him. I knew, I was like, Hey, we gotta figure this out cuz Yeah . If you're seeing what I'm seeing, it's an issue. And I think that's the thing about when you're getting to these, you know,

Andre: 41:34

Life support decisions . I'm gonna tell , I'm gonna tell you . Yeah . I'm gonna tell you something. This is how you know it's time to parent your child. And I know I'm getting ahead of myself because the things you knew mom knew not to tell me.

Anitra: 41:46

Right. She wasn't telling you at all.

Andre: 41:48

She knew not to tell me. Cause when you were saying some of the things I was like, what, what <laugh>

Anitra: 41:55

This is happening. And you noticed

Andre: 41:59

No .

Anitra: 42:00

Was like intervention.

Andre: 42:02

Intervention. Nothing . I was grabbing my belt. <laugh> this sin . Yeah . She knew not to tell me the stuff she told you <laugh> but boy look here , look here . <laugh> and the only thing Go ahead Karen . Tell it's funny. Boy listen cuz you know mom's a snitch. Right. <laugh> . I love the fact that you snitched on her.

Anitra: 42:27

Oh ,

Andre: 42:27

I love it. I love it. I know . Cause I know there were a couple times that conversation she looked at you like, did you really tell him that?

Anitra: 42:35

Oh, it was a whole thing. It was kinda like, I , like , I can't believe. And then we , we had that silent, you know, car ride back home after the intervention meeting. So quiet . She just didn't, and you know, she talked , so for her not talking <laugh> . Right . And I'm kind of driving, going, so what do you want for dinner?

Andre: 42:52

<laugh>? She just , I dunno . Holding back to tears. Like she got reprimanded.

Anitra: 42:59

Whatever you want is fine.

Andre: 43:02

She's looking at you like, I hate that woman. I hate that .

Anitra: 43:06

Just like when we were kids. I hate her

Andre: 43:09

Mum . She straight to her room . Hate , hate <laugh> . Yeah. Cause she got it that day, boy. Oh God , you got it that day. Boy, you , you have

Anitra: 43:19

To though . You have to. And even if you don't have siblings, that's a cousin. That's a best friend, that's a pastor, you know, extended person that can help you, you know, push through it because yeah. At once you are moving into that space of parenting, you know, coaching, advising, caregiving. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , once they're with you, there's gonna be lots of things. And like my brother said, it's not cookie cutter, but um, it's, it's definitely something that you, you know, you , you just, you know, work through. So lean towards your strength. Call for backup. Okay. Are we ready to jump into the transformational perspective?

Andre: 43:53

Yeah. Transformational perspective. That, that counterpoint boy <laugh> . So , so we , we are talking about, you know, all the things that, that kind of point out the readiness to begin to parent your parent. But the counterpoint is not every child is meant to parent or take care of their parent . And , and and I and I have seen that in real time . I'm looking at some 40 or 50 year olds and I'm saying, yeah, you should have grown out of that. Like Right . You know, why you , we ain't got life together right now. Like, I don't understand how you can't even take care of yourself. I feel bad for your parents. So now there's definitely, there's this, this evaluation that has because yeah, there , there are some children that they are definitely not meant to parent their parent. That's, they need to be picking up brochures to a really nice senior citizen community. Like really .

Anitra: 44:48

And they work on their own thing

Andre: 44:49

And then work just , just come on man ,

Anitra: 44:52

Work on yourself .

Andre: 44:55

Absolutely.

Anitra: 44:56

No, it's so true. It's like, you know, if you know you're still working on you use wisdom and don't, don't try to add add that to your situation. I also think there's some wisdom in, you know, if you don't, I mean this is the reality. I'm just gonna say it. Some parents and children just don't get along. They just do not have the same value system. They are worlds apart in terms of just how things flow. And I think there's wisdom in saying, hey, I am going to help but I am not going to try to take this on. Right. Uh , cuz we don't vibe and I mean we can all think of exam and I can think of a couple of our cousins where yeah, they got, they grew up moved out and they just know I'm not supposed to really come back. We love each other at a distance mm-hmm . <affirmative> and that's okay. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And so, you know, really de discerning if that's where you are, can be a good thing. And a lot of times the parents know it too. So they'll also won't choose it or won't won't think, oh yeah, I'm gonna go stay with Nikki . You know, we just have different value . We have different lifestyles and that's been proven over decades and that's okay. Mm-hmm . Um, and then the last thing I wanna say, and this is something that our mom had to really help me understand, which I don't know, I think you have a , a really good handle on it, but really also determining your capacity. Yeah . I'm not talking about financially. Right. Right . And I'm not talking about the fact that maybe you can't take care of yourself. Right. Right . Or even difference in values. But if you know that at least in this particular season of your life that you don't have the mental emotional stamina that's it's , or capacity. That's it . That literally you trying to take care of this parent or these parents in this season is actually going to deplete you, then you're not gonna be able to do it. And three people are gonna get lost. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> or two people are gonna get lost. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And I think that's really tough because we live in a society , um, where we are. You know, and that's the reason why parents sometimes feel like they're a burden and they try to figure out how to not be, even if they're not, they can feel like that. Or even you as the child can sometimes feel like, I don't know if I can do this. And if you don't have the emotional capacity or the mental capacity, you gotta be forthright about that and just say, Hey , absolutely do right now I've gotta support you in a different way. Right. Because me doing this is gonna take me out. And I, I didn't realize how much that was happening to our mom, even though she was honored to do, you know, take care of our parents and or my grandparents until their death. Um, it, it was a lot and I think it's a lot for anybody, but when you don't have the capacity, be truthful and a , you know, find solutions, you know, to, to do that. So any thoughts on that? And then the bottom line,

Andre: 47:31

No, that actually connects us right to the bottom line because knowing your capacity is what's most important. Now, if you're blessed to have a sibling, knowing your capacity does not mean that you're deficient or can't do it because that's good. Even though mom is with you, you still have a capacity threshold. Yes. And where your capacity ends, you know, Andre's capacity steps right. In and fulfilled. Percent percent . So that's one of the beautiful things about having a sibling is, is everybody knows what they can do. And I know we already talked about it, but that it's still true to form and it's connected to knowing what you can handle and where you stop. And being able to make the call . Be like, Hey, your mama your mother come get her .

Anitra: 48:12

Get your mama

Andre: 48:13

<laugh> , come get your mother. I can't come get your mother. Listen, come get your pots . Come get your mother. And , and and , and it can get to that point where I don't even question, I just Oh, okay. Yes. Put her on a train. <laugh> , tell me when to pick her up too . And , and , and here's the thing, mom also knows your capacity. Yeah . Because there're gonna be times there, are there, I know there have been times where mom is just like, Hey, I gonna come see you this weekend. And I'm thinking to myself, I ain't got nothing special going. Right . Oh , she's sick and tired of her daughter.

Anitra: 48:44

She she's blinking her eyes through the phone.

Andre: 48:46

<laugh> . Right. <laugh> . She's blinking twice. Oh , okay . Yeah. Just tell me when to pick, pick you up <laugh> , just tell me when to pick you up. Absolutely. So to me that that's also the bottom line. And knowing your capacity, you also know when to ask for help . Cuz it really does take a village, a family village to raise the matriarch, the patriarch of the family. That's good. Um, in order to make sure that they, again, that end of life is as great as it absolutely can be for them. Yeah.

Anitra: 49:17

Yeah . And, and everyone has something to contribute. I love that. The last thing I wrote here before we get to our quick shot is that, you know, I thought about that scripture , um, you know, honor thy father and that mother. Cuz I , I kept thinking for some of us , uh, you know, the , the relationship is strained and you're just thinking, I don't have a reason to want to even consider or be a part of this, you know, that season. And one of the things that , um, one of my therapists always said is, he says , sometimes you honor your parents simply for their dna . N yeah. Because if you didn't have that, you wouldn't be here. Right. That , so sometimes you're healing through all the other stuff that they did or didn't do. Just honor them for the d n a that allowed you to have life. So now you can do it better. Right. Right. Because if it weren't for them, you wouldn't even be here. And so, you know, sometimes to get to that bottom line is knowing that you can ask for help everyone contributes and find even that nugget of honor. I think that helped kind of pushed you through it. So that's been good. I love it . Ready for the quick shot?

Andre: 50:14

Yeah. Let's, let's, I'm ready for the Quick shop . Mine did not come from Twitter did not come from any social media whatsoever. It came from the side table, the , the , the bills table of my home. I remember last time mom was here, she was looking at my thermostat. She said, how does it work? I said, well, the instructions are in that envelope. Uh, that, that's, that has SDG and e San Diego Gas and Electric, but the instructions are only written for the one that pays that bill. And she said, I'll sit down . I , I was like, yeah, that's right, <laugh> . That's right. That's

Anitra: 50:47

A special language.

Andre: 50:49

That's right. Right. She don't, if you don't pay, pay the bills , it , you're not the parent . If you don't , if you don't pay the bills, you're not, the parent

Anitra: 50:57

Don't have Feels so good. It ,

Andre: 50:59

So , Alyssa , lemme tell you something. Oh, I got more. I got more. I was like , Hey mom, you want , you wanna watch this movie? Like, yeah. She came on . I said, Hey, grab that remote right there. Bring it to me. <laugh> <laugh> . So she <laugh> and she

Anitra: 51:12

Was like , I will not,

Andre: 51:13

No , no . Not Nikki . Nikki . It , it was in an arm length away from me. It don't matter . Why

Anitra: 51:19

Would you , your eyes are just glistening. You're

Andre: 51:21

Smiling , uh, uh, what you want to eat? Oh , you know, can we, let's get something from that restaurant. We passed . I said , you got some restaurant money? That part . No, no. I asked you what you want to eat. I meant go look in the refrigerator. <laugh> , tell me about fish you wanna eat. Right . Right.

Anitra: 51:37

Get that carrot . Right .

Andre: 51:38

Right . So tho those , those were , those were good moments. Those are great moments for me. Funny

Anitra: 51:44

<laugh> . I love it. All right . Well, so when I was kind of unpacking the quick shot , I said I'll stay in the vein of, of cues that our parents , um, are in need of. And we'll go with kind of the three phases. Is this a situation where they need parenting? Is this a situation where they need coaching? Okay . Okay . Or is this a situation where they need advisement? Oh

Andre: 52:05

Lord. Okay .

Anitra: 52:06

Okay. And so, so I'm gonna throw a couple of scenarios and you can determine, you know, if you think it's one of the three of those. All right . So first one, when your parents forget that they are watching rated or tv mature content in front of their grandkids.

Andre: 52:21

Oh, Jesus. <laugh> .

Anitra: 52:22

These are real life scenarios.

Andre: 52:23

These are real life scenarios. <laugh> . They need parenting. That's parenting right there. Cause listen. Oh , the way Nana has shaped my nephew's mind and life. Oh , it is scary sometimes. You know , that's, that is absolutely parenting. That's like, don't . Mm-hmm .

Anitra: 52:42

M and they have that moment. They're like, wait, how old are you again ?

Andre: 52:45

And you're like , doesn't matter. Right ?

Anitra: 52:47

That's Game of Thrones . That of Thrones .

Andre: 52:55

Cinema . Cinema. That , that's the blush. It says Cax . It says Cax . No. <laugh>. No.

Anitra: 53:03

Oh , okay . Here's another one. When your parents have had several fender beers in one month, maybe they ran up on the curb, hit the side of the house, and they refuse to surrender the car keys. <laugh>.

Andre: 53:16

Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . That's , uh, that's advising. Okay . And that advisement is, I advise you not to drive ever again. <laugh>. That's, that's advisement. Uh ,

Anitra: 53:24

No , that's parenting . I'm like giving them keys. Keys . <laugh> . It's a wrap . I'm finna call What , what's the name of that service? The, the elderly service that takes you everywhere. Lord <laugh> . That white bus you get on you Finn to get on that little white minivan and schedule your,

Andre: 53:42

Schedule your outings.

Anitra: 53:43

Listen, you no Grandpa, he hit the side of the house so many times. Oh my . And he ran up on the curb

Andre: 53:49

<laugh> .

Anitra: 53:50

I said, mom, you didn't get his keys. She was like, no,

Andre: 53:53

<laugh> . Yeah .

Anitra: 53:55

All right . Um, when your parents are living with you and you're the adult child and they ate the last of your favorite food item, like, you know, drink the last of the soda, ate the last of your fa they know it's your favorite and they finished it.

Andre: 54:09

That's a phase that I'm gonna call foster care. Cuz it's time for you to live someplace else . <laugh> . Listen . Listen.

Anitra: 54:18

Adoption.

Andre: 54:20

Listen, listen. That's that face , that's that .

Anitra: 54:27

I remember Dad used to be on fire.

Andre: 54:29

Oh

Anitra: 54:29

My God . When we would drink his soda or we would eat his nutter butter, his last something.

Andre: 54:34

Oh man. He

Anitra: 54:35

Be , I mean, oh fire. He'd be going up and they ate that . And that's why I can't have enough of <laugh> . I'd hear him upstairs fussing with mom . Cause she would be like, the food is for everyone. No going up . <laugh> that food is mine . You'd be like, father.

Andre: 54:53

Yeah .

Anitra: 54:53

We'll , we'll bleep the cursing out. <laugh> .

Andre: 54:56

Oh my goodness.

Anitra: 54:57

Yeah . All right . Um , another one, when your living parents only watch one or two TV programs, but they will only watch it on the main family tv.

Andre: 55:08

Oh my gosh. That's

Anitra: 55:10

Like they have a TV in their room.

Andre: 55:12

Yeah. Oh man. <laugh> . Oh Jesus. I may have to pull from every phase to get to work through this issue. <laugh> . Cause

Anitra: 55:23

Gun smoke . You know what , what is , what? A grandma used to watch the soaps and you'd

Andre: 55:28

Be like that . Uh , I nobody wants to watch that. That's parenting. Cuz I gotta remind them I pay the cable bill. That's a little bit of coaching. Cuz I gotta remind them that this my house and you have a TV in your room. And that's a little bit of advisement because it's like, now I'm warning you, I don't wanna have to talk about this again. <laugh> , I don't have to talk about, I don't wanna have to have this conversation again. So I'm advising you to hear what thus say at the Lord in the two first phases.

Anitra: 55:56

That's for your survival. <laugh> . Right

Andre: 55:59

Lord Jesus.

Anitra: 56:00

All right . Let's do maybe one or two more. Okay. Oh , this one. Oh God. When your parents are offended at your recommendation that they air quotes , try to use the bathroom before leaving any location <laugh> who they offended. Do you mean

Andre: 56:19

That's to me that's, that's coaching . Like that's coaching . Because <laugh> , they're not gonna allow me to parrot them there. Right, right . <laugh> . Cause the , the at end of life, the last thing you can control is your bladder. Once that goes , it's over. So they gonna try to exercise control. I'm not finna fight them . I'm not finna get in that power struggle. So that's coaching. That's gonna be like, listen , you know what happened last time's gonna together.

Anitra: 56:46

<laugh> , let's all go together. <laugh> ,

Andre: 56:49

Come on , we can do this. We can do this every,

Anitra: 56:52

Every location, every location. Be like where's the restroom? When we walk in, in or you

Andre: 56:56

Know, and I , it might be a little advisement because list I'm only gonna coach. But so far after that I'm be like, use the bathroom or wear these. Depends . And I'm gonna hold them in the package . <laugh> , I'm show the package , use the bathroom or wear these. Depends like this is , cause what's not gonna happen is I'm not gonna stop. Yeah . Cause ruin my , I'm not gonna

Anitra: 57:15

Stop what you're not gonna do . You're not finna ruin the car would not stop . I love it. And you cough too much not to have some water. So Right , right ,

Andre: 57:23

Right. <laugh>.

Anitra: 57:27

Absolutely. Okay . Alright . Maybe two more. Uh , let's see. Oh this is good. When the grandchildren start to snitch on the grandparents example, the grandpa that buys another set of tools that he's been forbidden from buying <laugh>.

Andre: 57:45

That's parent .

Anitra: 57:46

But keep in mind that's our parent. That's our parent.

Andre: 57:48

That's our parent with our kids. <laugh> . That , that's parenting cause Yeah. That told you not to buy that <laugh> . I told you. Yeah.

Anitra: 57:58

Listen, I'll taking you allowance. I think that's what I think that's what our parents has lost , lost their edge. Cuz I never snitched on grandpa when he was stopping getting McDonald's and junk food and he know he wasn't supposed to have it because he was like, you want something ? I'm like, you know, I do. So right . It's our secret. Ain't nobody this dies with me. <laugh> . It's like , ain't nobody gonna know .

Andre: 58:17

Listen , by you biting in this chicken nugget, you are entering into a contract, an unspoken contract. You keep your mouth closed. I'll keep your mouth full

Speaker 3: 58:26

<laugh> .

Anitra: 58:28

All right , this will be the last one. And I, again, let me not just, just, we've all been there. I think as your parents get older, when your parents air quotes, forget to take a shower or change the outfit that they've worn, you know, maybe two or three days in a row. You haven't, if you haven't experienced it, trust me,

Andre: 58:49

I I'm gonna say that's advisement. And, and this is the reason why I don't wanna be too involved in that process.

Speaker 3: 58:56

<laugh>.

Andre: 58:57

So I'm gonna stay in the advisement process. See , there's the reason , if I do more, if I do more than advise, I'm gonna move to coach. And if I have to do more than coach and I'm gonna move to parenting, and uh ,

Anitra: 59:09

I don't wanna help

Andre: 59:09

You clean your butt . I wanna help <laugh> . I wanna help . So I'm gonna stay in advisement in this one . Listen,

Anitra: 59:16

Oh

Andre: 59:16

God . When I start to wear this gas mask around the house, <laugh> , when I start to talk to you on only through text. Oh God . Yeah. That's ,

Anitra: 59:28

And listen, to be fair, we already talked about getting ready for bed versus going to bed. I know that sometimes those things are challenging, but I have had full on conversation where I was like , and you know, I've got a , you know, a middle school boy, which y'all know, middle school, they're , they still, they're getting into the stinkiness cuz their bodies are changing and they still don't quite want to , you know, practice hygiene. So I was like, I don't have the patience for both of y'all. <laugh>

Andre: 59:52

Both of y'all can't stay . You gotta take turns, Nana, Monday, Wednesday, Malachi Thursday, Friday <laugh> ,

Anitra: 1:00:01

Y'all gonna get in this tub and baptize you booty . But

Andre: 1:00:04

At least three times a week y'all gonna shower Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday you better shower on the Lord's Day . <laugh>

Anitra: 1:00:12

Love it. So, all right . I know we're running a little logs of bro , what you have for the final blow.

Andre: 1:00:19

It , it , it's so interesting and it's just the way this conversation goes , uh, that we've used that word honor so many times and we know it to kind of stem from what we've, you know, read in the Bible that , uh, Exodus, peace , honor thy mother and father, that the days that your days may be long in the land that God is giving you. The funny thing about honor, right, is honor looks at the entire span of the experience, the encounter, the relationship with our parents. So were your parents, you know , were our parents, were your parents? Perfect. Absolutely not. But what honor does is look at the entire expansion of the life and simply be able to say, was God able to work through this person, mother, this person, father, and make me better? Right? It's that cuz it's , it was never about their perfection. Dad was not perfect. But am I better having had him as my father? Yes, mom is not perfect, but am I better having had her as my mother? Yes. That is why I honor. Because their existence in my life made me better. So then when I even look at what God is saying there , honor your mother and your father. Why? Because they made you better. And watch this, your days will be long in the land I'm giving you now I , I I need , I wanna make sure that, that, that makes sense. Your days will be long in the land. God is giving you not that he has given you. Because if all I do is look at my parents as a memorial, then I might not be able to honor them. But if I look at my parents as a progression of who they are through me and what greatness they brought out of me, that's the, is. So honoring our parents is a forward thinking thing. Therefore, this end of life cycle, this moment where we say now the child becomes the parent, it's also gotta be a forward thinking. Remember we talked a lot about the mindset, the forward thinking, honor, honoring our parents is forward thinking. It wasn't about perfection. It was about you really brought out what did you produce, what did God allow you to produce in me as a result of my experience in you? So I wanna just kind of sketch out of , uh, 30 seconds for those who may be looking at your parents and saying, but my mom wasn't there. My dad wasn't there. My mom used drugs. My dad was had uh, spent time in prison. How do , how do I honor that? My, my resolve, my answer to you is, is did God allow you to forgive them? Then that's how it made you better. Did God allow you to look at your life and say, I'm not going to go that route? Then that's what made you better. Did God allow you to become a better parent because of what your experience was with them? Then that's what allowed you to be better. Which means you still have room to find honor in them , find love for them, find peace in that relationship, find forgiveness so that you can be better. Because at some point at that, at that cycle comes full circle, who you allowed yourself to be in . Hopefully it's better and not bitter, will then allow a better relationship with who your child is going to be when you are going to need to be parented as well. So honor is such a forward progression cycle that we gotta do it regardless of how imperfect our parents work , still honor them, still absolutely honor them because your days, your days to come and the places where God is gonna put you, they're gonna be blessed when you give honor , uh, to your parents no matter what. And then that's, that would definitely be my, my final thought here, hopefully in the conversation. That is , uh, honor your parents, honor your parents.

Anitra: 1:04:10

I love it. Wonderful. Final blow. So with that, we've come to the end of the episode. As always, we thank you guys so much for joining us. Please help us build the Savage siblings community like share, comment, rate , subscribe all

Andre: 1:04:25

That, send

Anitra: 1:04:26

The this to your favorite Savage sibling. Perhaps you have a , because I told you told moment <laugh> that you wanna share regarding your parents. Or maybe you have thoughts on when you know children become the parents that you wanna share or maybe there's an episode topic you think we should tackle. Share that with us. Let us know. We are interested in hearing , hearing from you. Huge shout out to our amazing team of people that make all this possible. Yeah, Dwayne McLendon, Kyle Davis, our sound editors and post-production supervisors. Ronnie Maxwell of Maxwell Maxwell. Music . Music. Our music producer, Keith Cross of Kross Photography for all the amazing photos . And huge shout out to my niece Daniela, designing our website and just so many other people that have just been encouraging us and pushing us forward. And of course we honor our parents, Jean and Dolores Evans for your DNA and all the funny life lessons that we get to the Parentals split here . <laugh> . And of course, last but not least, the listeners. So glad you're always here. Please go and have a wonderful day. And remember, don't go through life alone. We'll see you next time.