How many times have you heard, “Act like you got some sense!” from parents and grandparents that set the social code for your family? If this is a familiar phrase heard in your family, you will enjoy the shared experience and humor in this episode. Andre and Anitra examine the “SOP” standard operating procedures that are established in the home and transferred across generations. Come and laugh with us as we reflect on the connection between family social codes integrated with professional and personal lifestyles.
Memorable Quotes:
Keywords:
#MentalHealth, #therapy, #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling, #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast, #Standoperatingprocedure, #socialcode, #professionalcodeofconduct, #Rulesofthegame, #FamilyBrand, #ActLikeYouGotSense, #Wedontdothat, #reflectivespace, #Behaviorpatterns, #Integrateandassimilate, #Selfpreservationandprotection,
Call to Action:
Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography
CHAPTERS
0:00 Introduction
1:44 Sibling Check-In
6:33 Sibling Sound-Off Segment
34:20Sponsorship: S2 Mediaworks
35:15Savage Segment: The Unspoken Codes
44:58Savage Segment: Defining Social Codes
58:10Savage Segment: How do we define social codes as siblings
Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.
How many times have you heard, “Act like you got some sense!” from parents and grandparents that set the social code for your family? If this is a familiar phrase heard in your family, you will enjoy the shared experience and humor in this episode. Andre and Anitra examine the “SOP” standard operating procedures that are established in the home and transferred across generations. Come and laugh with us as we reflect on the connection between family social codes integrated with professional and personal lifestyles.
Memorable Quotes:
Keywords:
#MentalHealth, #therapy, #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling, #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast, #Standoperatingprocedure, #socialcode, #professionalcodeofconduct, #Rulesofthegame, #FamilyBrand, #ActLikeYouGotSense, #Wedontdothat, #reflectivespace, #Behaviorpatterns, #Integrateandassimilate, #Selfpreservationandprotection,
Call to Action:
Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography
CHAPTERS
0:00 Introduction
1:44 Sibling Check-In
6:33 Sibling Sound-Off Segment
34:20Sponsorship: S2 Mediaworks
35:15Savage Segment: The Unspoken Codes
44:58Savage Segment: Defining Social Codes
58:10Savage Segment: How do we define social codes as siblings
Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.
Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am Anitra n Lawson storyteller, producer, educator, content creator. He is Dr. Andre Evans.
Andre:What's going on? Good people.
Anitra:<laugh> . We are the Savage siblings, and this is the Savage Sibling Podcast where we are brutally honest, relentlessly transparent, and unapologetically authentic. Thank you for tuning in for another episode. Broo , you got some shout outs ?
Andre:I do, man. I was always want to just shout out to everyone that continues to reach out to us and just let us know how much they are enjoying the podcast. Uh, we're so thankful to continue to have you all with us each and every time a new episode drops. Uh , as always, wanna encourage everybody, wherever you're listening to this, this episode or this podcast, make sure that you both , uh, share the link with, with your favorite Savage siblings, as well as go ahead and give us that rating and make a comment. Do something. Let's, like I said , all , every single time, let's get this podcast out and build the Savage Sibling community as far and as wide as we our voices and our connections and our relationships can reach.
Anitra:Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I love it. So let me check in with you. How's your week been?
Andre:The week has been good. Little hectic, but it's been good <laugh> a lot going on. Uh, you know, this is just that, that moment where I'm on my way to becoming an empty nester, and I think I mentioned that mm-hmm . <affirmative> a couple episodes before, but it, it just keeps getting real each and every time. Right . <laugh> , uh, we recently did a college visit and we had , um, in the college visit, they had a bunch of families there and they were telling us all about the college and all that. And you know, it's always that moment where I know as a presenter, like the one representing the college or the, or the school or whatever, you know, you got teenagers in there and then you got parents from all walks of life in there where you gotta say, you know, does anybody have any questions?
Anitra:Oh God,
Andre:I know <laugh>. Like, it's that moment where you just kind of get this, this eyesight into the way that folks' family life is how they raising their kids . Right . Right . You know, it's always that one kid that's asking a question that she clearly already gave an answer to.
Anitra:Yep .
Andre:Yeah . <laugh> , or there's that parrot that's asking, oh my God. To dissect every single thing that was said. And what was crazy during this, this visit, <laugh> , is this lady kept asking these questions about different, you know , uh, schools of , uh, different, you know , um, degrees and, and , and just all these different subject matters. And she finally was like, ma'am, you're asking a lot of different questions. Uh, does, does your son know what he wants to major in? Right. <laugh> . And then she said the major and every parent in there looked like you ain't asked one question about that major, about that <laugh> . You didn't ask questions about everything else <laugh> , except for what your son is going to school for. And this is just like, this is, this is, this is how you represent your family, right? Yep . This is how you really show the world who you and your family are. And I felt sorry for the kids because he had that look like, I wish she'd be quiet like, <laugh> you . I wish I didn't even have to bring her here.
Anitra:Exactly . I wish I could come by myself. I
Andre:Wish I could have .
Anitra:I told you I was gonna join the military. I told you I was gonna join
Andre:<laugh> . That was it. You know? So yeah. Just , it's just the insight that people give to their family, their family dynamics mm-hmm . <affirmative> , their family, kind of just kind of representation sometimes just amazes me. Uh , we, you know, there's just, yeah. There's, there's some generations. I don't want leading the future <laugh> nothing. Nothing. Because if , if this is trash , trash collection , this is the legacy of your fry . Nothing. Don't touch nothing in my world. Please. Matter of fact, I want you to go be an astronaut. That's what I want you by
Anitra:Another
Andre:Universe, by a whole nother galaxy <laugh> , you know, go ask your questions. That's up. There's right <laugh> . But anyway , so that, that's been my week, just busy, busy again, taking more steps to becoming an empty nester. My youngest finally goes away. I didn't know to college. That's crazy .
Anitra:It's
Andre:Crazy crazy .
Anitra:I'm like , think about my nieces. I'm like , no. Go back to when you were two high
Andre:Five and it's too , couldn't pronounce w <laugh> , couldn't pronounce purse . That was Corey Really Purse have three syllables in it and Yeah , absolutely . But anyways , ask me , what's , what's going on with you? What's good?
Anitra:Well, it's funny 'cause I guess we're kind of in similar , similar veins. Um, but mine is always internal <laugh> . I find that I'm constantly dealing with me
Andre:<laugh> like Right .
Anitra:It's less of the outside world. It's always a nira , but it definitely jives with what you're speaking to this week has been about pacing with grace and , um, you know, and family is so wonderful or can be so wonderful, I should say. I've been blessed this week that, you know, Malachi and mom have , um, they have been instruments of God's grace for me when things aren't just aren't getting done or I'm not hitting my strides. They just are filling in the gap and, and I'm just like, Lord, I thank you that your grace is sufficient and they've had grace with me too. So it's, it's been encouraging because I kept hearing, you know, pacing with grace. Like you got your pace. Sometimes it's faster, sometimes it's slower. Absolutely. Uh , but grace is filling in the gaps there. Absolutely. And I imagine had I been with you and my niece at any of these college university tours, I would've been like, Lord, you better gimme some grace right now. Right . Because I'd be like, you have a pamphlet, ma'am, you have a pamphlet in your hand, read it. That's why they gave it to you. Wasting trees because of you, because of you wasting my time
Andre:<laugh> . I just said , you wasting my me what little bit of joy I got left.
Anitra:Right. It was like, oh. So no, I , I definitely get that. But yeah, it's been a good week. Excited to be here and just, just reminded that grace is, his grace is sufficient. So , uh, yeah . So let's jump into this sound off segment. Sound
Speaker 3:Off segment sound ,
Andre:No doubt. Sound off segment . So the name of our episode is act Like You Got Some Sense <laugh> . And , and so what we really kind of wanted to look at are what are some of the social codes that are passed down generation to generation within families and , and why are those codes so important as they really do influence and impact just kind of the future of any given family member, but mm-hmm . <affirmative> , we just really wanted to look at what are some of the things that, you know, your grandmother passed down to your mother passed down to your father, your grandfather, that now for you, when you're in a social atmosphere, you find yourself doing <laugh> and are they good? Are they good influence? Are you like, nah , that , that should have never been , uh, the case <laugh> . But, but for me, when I look at this, this this first segment of sound off , here's the crazy thing for me, or here's a question for me mm-hmm . Like , who set the standard, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm . Like, which family member chose that? We as a family, we don't like, you know, these people. Like, we don't <laugh> , we don't like the way that person behaves. Like who set that? Because there be some things that I know we do <laugh> at you and I particularly Nikki as a Evans dad . Like they came from grandma. Right . And I'm wondering myself, like, was that really a good person to set the social code for this family? Like, because you mean, because like which values or what moral code are the right ones to pass on to your grandchildren? Because that's some things that I got from, from my grandmother that I'm thinking to myself, I dunno if you shoulda exposed me to that. That's right.
Anitra:Right. <laugh>
Andre:When I was little. But because, and , and be and , and mainly because, you know, time changed , the worlds evolved , right? We not always good , good do or think , uh, about the world the same way as grandma and grandpa the same way as a sibling or the same way as a parent. So like who really decides <laugh> , the code of conduct for, for, for the family. And, and I'm gonna bounce that question to you, but for me, I felt like for our family, the one , uh, that decided is the one that definitely doesn't mind going to jail to protect or to punish rest of the brand. Like, and that is, that's grandma <laugh> , grandma gun, totting, grandma. A hundred percent . Uh , right. Police talking trash grandma. Oh yeah. But , but a protector. Not just the Punisher. Like, so she set the standard 'cause she's the one that you look at and be like, oh no, she'll go to prison to make sure you act right. A hundred percent . You go to prison. Hundred percent . And , and you act Right. Wasn't always you and I, Nikki , sometimes it was the neighbor. Remember that time where they had a neighbor , uh, a female who was living with a guy and her boyfriend was beating her. Yes. And she came over to grandma's house. Yeah . <laugh> . Yep . So yeah . Ooh , tell it, tell it. Social code. The Evans Dangerfield Evans, we protect because when he came knocking on the door mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you expected Grandpa , the World War vet <laugh> . I hate dancing the door and be like, Hey brother, you know , no grandma and what's in her bom , what she called her rooster, her rooster that this time <laugh> , which was what's her, which was her gun. Matter of fact, I remember one time , uh, <laugh> asking grandma, why you, why you called the rooster <laugh> ? She said , because when this bad boy started yelling out this morning time, like, y'all better wake up <laugh> . I was like , okay , I never <laugh> . Okay . Okay. Good morning . Good morning. So , so , yeah . Oh , that's funny . She would have her rooster. But this is also the same lady whose social code said that the Evans Dangerfield family, we don't back down from social injustice because this is the same lady when they were traveling from Tennessee to Dayton, got pulled over by the sheriff for no other reason than being a black person in the car. And the sheriff looked and said something smart grandma reached in the glove compartment. And grandma was like, no, Maxine. No Maxine. Yeah . And here's the thing . Here's the thing. The fact that grandma and grandpa lived to tell us that story mean they put sheriff on notice, they put that sheriff on notice. And this isn't during a generation where most of of people of color just took it and remained quiet about it. Right ? So grandma kind of set that social code that no , the Evans Dangerfield family, we don't just hate nothing. We stand up for what's right and we act right. And we protect and we provide mm-hmm . <affirmative> and , and so mm-hmm . <affirmative> . So while on one hand I'm saying, you know, was she the best <laugh> , you know, to teach her everything, right? <laugh> , on the other hand, I'm saying Yeah, but there are some code . She said she's absolutely the best. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . Because there , 'cause now look at who we are. Right . You and I specifically, you know, we do our best to voice our opinion, use whatever platform we have for protection and provision mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And now I look at who Corin and Corey and Daniella are, they've been out on the front lines protesting for justice. Absolutely. Yeah . They've, they've voiced it . Corey is, is has a lot of Maxine Dangerfield in her . Corey has knocked , yes . Yes . She does . Knocked, knocked the , punched a few people and been suspended for sticking up for someone <laugh> . Right . So, I mean, you know, that's a social code that was , that was, that was passed down. And, and , and it was passed down from our grandmother who happened to be the president of the Nice Ladies club at her church. Right . <laugh>. Right . So I mean, like
Anitra:Questionable at times. <laugh> . Right .
Andre:<laugh> such a dichotomy of complexity in our family. That, that I think is the reason why we have social codes. Because social codes don't always steer you in one particular direction. Instead, I feel like socially social codes present a boundary, both that protects us and keeps us in right standing, but also protects us and keeps us from those who are trying to knock us off of Yeah . Of , of right standing. So, so I feel like our social code , uh, you know, they definitely came from grandma, but, but I'd , yeah , I'd love to hear what you think. Like <laugh> , who absolutely , who set the standard for our family. <laugh>.
Anitra:I love it. And when I was kind of processing through this, you know, sibling sound off segment, I was thinking the same thing. Like, well, where does this all kind of originate from for a family? Who is that voice? And it actually made me think of another story with you. And then I definitely wanna add to grandma, 'cause I do con concur with you that she, she is that staple. Uh, but it's like those, those SOPs, the standard operating procedures, like Oh yeah . You're creating these standards and that comes from, you know, an authority or an authority figure. Absolutely . Or from, you know, a team of people that are absolutely trying to, you know, put parameters, protections in place. But I remember, bro , bro , you know , now it's been decades by now, but when, when the airlines first changed their procedures, because I believe something had happened where someone had a bomb and a shoe or something along those lines, the
Andre:Patriot Act and all that came with that .
Anitra:There we go. And all of that changed the way you would get on flights. And it was a major overhaul. But I , I remember you telling a story, matter of fact, I think we were flying together, but maybe you were the one that pointed it out. But, you know, you get in that space where you've already checked your bags and now it's time for you to go through security. And at that time now, everyone had to take their shoes off and everything was just much more rigid, but Right . You kind of That's right. We were there together. You kind of looked at me. 'cause there was this kind of loud , uh, angry seeming <laugh> , um, ts, ooh , I shouldn't say that. Like, I'll say airport official
Andre:<laugh> . Okay. Okay.
Anitra:Who was way at the other end of all of these lines where we're all getting ready. She had a southern accent and she is yelling, put your shoes on the belt. Take off yourself . <laugh> . I mean, and the whole energy, the whole place, everyone just was like falling in line <laugh> . Right, right . Nobody was talking and everyone was getting their shoes together. It was like so solom and quiet. But she was establishing the fact that if you guys don't get here and do what's right, because of now the overhaul that's happening, you know, in this airspace that I, I need you guys to follow directions. And so there were no questions. People just were quiet listening, putting their shoes everywhere, paying attention, eyes, looking every direction. And she changed, you know, they changed the code, they changed the way. Yeah . They changed the , now you look at it, now we're much more relaxed, you know? Yeah . We do much different. But when that happened , and the reasons behind happening are that those changes absolutely. Speak to protections and parameters needed to be changed. That's what I was thinking. That's really what we do in family as well. Absolutely. Someone's creating that ss o p , that standard operating procedures. And I totally concur that it was our grandma. And I wanna add to the story that you presented, because you're right, she was absolutely a protector, but her background really speaks to that, you know, the fact that grandma's not Yes. The fact that her grandfather,
Andre:But not just biracial, no product of slave rate biracial.
Anitra:Yeah . A hundred percent hundred ahead , ahead , ahead . I'm , go ahead , ahead . Context . No, that's, that's important because her grandfather, you know, who you know, you know , raped her, her , um, grandmother, he also made sure that the people in the small town that they lived in in Tennessee did not bother Right. That family. Right, right, right. So even though they weren't allowed to have all of the same, you know, privileges and the same, you know, just standards they should have as human beings. There was an unspoken rule and unspoken code in that small town in Tennessee that said, you know, that family Yeah. You can judge it. You can say whatever, but you don't bother him . Yeah . And so she talked about the pride that her father, you know , um, had in teaching her as the granddaughter and the protections that were there, right. Wrong or indifferent in terms of how the family came about. Um, that , and so that's why you see her, she had that strength. She knew what it's like to look racism in the face and Absolutely. And yet her father and her grandfather still spoke, or under , you know, indirectly spoke, you know, a pride, a protection. Yeah . A space that says you have a right to be here. Yeah . And it , so it definitely made me think about, yes, there was that, that very verbal vocal standard from our grandmother about how she was going to raise her kids. And she raised her mom and she, and continued to instill in us a pride in self mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Um , the understanding that we have a right. Uh, to be here to maximize it. Where there are short shortcomings and faces that have been robbed. You dig deeper and find a way. But then as I was thinking about grandma, 'cause it's funny, we landed in the same place, you know, in terms of the story. I then thought, thought about our dad. And I was like, here's the thing, when you talk about family social codes, those that grandma instilled passed down to her , her daughter, our mom passed down to us. Our father also, you know, had these social codes. Sure . But his approach was the unspoken. Yeah , yeah . Modeling. Yeah. So whereas grandma was much more verbal, our mom was much more verbal. There are so many things that my dad, our dad's demeanor, <laugh>,
Andre:It was enough,
Anitra:It was enough to set a code. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And I started thinking, I'm like, we are naturally in terms of some of that, that that family code structure for us, we're a natural private family.
Andre:Absolutely. We are.
Anitra:That 100% came from our dad. Yes, it did. And I don't think he ever talked to me or you about being private. I don't think he ever said the words of don't put your business out there. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , we just watched his behavior. That was it . His demeanor. Even even our mom who's a little less private, still understood, keep it among family . She ain't private at all . Family and friends' . Well, she keeps it among family and friends. She don't take it out to strangers. At least that hasn't been my experience. <laugh>.
Andre:Yeah . No , but but not taking it out to, to strangers doesn't make her private. 'cause we don't be wanting family and friends to know everything. Right . Tell it to mom. They know everything. <laugh> .
Anitra:This is true. But I still think there's a space where she knew some of it you can share others you can't. And dad always see , lemme tell
Andre:You . So
Anitra:Think he was the one for me. No, you don't think
Andre:So. That's , no , see that's the sibling connection because she was the only child. She didn't know how to keep her mouth closed and keep quiet and keep secret. I
Anitra:Didn't say she was quiet at all. <laugh> . I said she talked about it in terms of family and friends. Exactly . Right .
Andre:The business
Anitra:In those circles.
Andre:Lemme , lemme redefine because she was an only child. She didn't know how to keep my business. Your business, her business within our nuclear dynamic. No . Yeah .
Anitra:No , no , no , no . She gonna take it to family of friends . For sure . She's
Andre:Gonna take it that hundred
Anitra:Percent . That's
Andre:Hundred percent . That's why. Yeah . See, that's why, that's why there's no Savage Solo podcast. That's why <laugh> , that's why because ain't gonna talk . Listen. Exactly. Y'all only children don't know how to be quiet. Nah , that's right . Yeah. Go ahead. I'm sorry . I digress. No , I
Anitra:Think , God digress. It's No, I think it's a good point. And I think, I think it's interesting that dad's demeanor and his dynamic to me was more prevalent for you and I Yes , it was . 'cause we're much more private, less talking than , than , you know, mom is, and it also speaks to the family she came out of too. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . But I , when I was thinking about grandma and I was thinking about our, our dad, I was like, they both created these really powerful social codes for us. But they're , they're modeling their demonstration was different. Yeah . But still very effective. And I , and I think that's an important thing as we continue to dig into it. And this episode is that sometimes the codes are modeled and demonstrated more than talked about .
Andre:And , and the thing about that is, is with each generation, the codes become broader and broader. Very. Yeah . 'cause see , mom , mom didn't have, mom could become grandma even though she, she didn't <laugh>
Anitra:Well , she knows. She knows. Okay .
Andre:She could , right. Uh , she became more grandpa mm-hmm . <affirmative> . But then you and I come around and we say, wait a second, we've now got to , uh, figure out the coding of the Dangerfield family and the coding mm-hmm . <affirmative> of the Evans family and decide mm-hmm . <affirmative> , what is our coding going to be so good. And , and ki and that , and that's such a , uh, as , as gener more and more generations kind of come along. So now Corin and Corey gotta figure out the coding of the Evans, but also the coding of the Humphreys. Right. Yeah . That's good . And so Malachi has to figure out the coding of the Evans, but also the coding of the Lawsons. Yeah . Hundred percent . So there's a broader culture scale, I should say because , uh, so far what we've been talking about in terms of social codes is how the world responds to our codes. But another part of social codes is how we respond to our coding process. Yes . Yes. How we process it. That's good. Right . And so you look , you know, so, so the world will, will look at, well , well I think of it this way. So, you know, most of social , a lot of social code is about culture and community mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Yep . Yep . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And it kind of dictates what's happening. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And so now I'm in Evans, but then I also am putting in my quoing , I'm a Protestant Christian. And here's why , here's why I say that. Because then social codes can start to become confusing. <laugh>. Yeah . Because do I respond like Jesus or do I spawn like Maxine Dangerfield. Yep . <laugh> . And here's what even gets a little bit more confusing . That's our, that's our grandma. Maxine Dangerfield <laugh> . Here's what gets a little bit more confusing when it comes to the coding process. If I say, okay, I'm gonna respond like Jesus. Okay. Does that mean I turn the cheek this time? Or do I turn over tables and start whipping folk? <laugh> that part , you know , in the temples . Yeah . 'cause he did the same thing. So , so , so , so there's two sides to that social code or the coding process. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Yeah . There's , there's what you observe from those who you kind of see every day and they set the standard of the branding for the family. But then there's you, like, now what do I do with it? What do I do with everything I'm , how I'm being coded? You know, do I do the exact same thing as grandma? No. 'cause you know, today that might not work. Right . Today. Hundred percent . Today, some of the things she did ain't gonna fly <laugh> . And so Yep . Evolution. But , but there are definitely some things that I do say no, the way she stuck up and for people and protected the, the , the legacy of her family. You wasn't finna mess with her family. Nope. You just wasn't going to do it. Not happening. Nope . Well, that, that's, that, that definitely is encoded in my , uh, family. D n a You're not gonna mess with my girls . You're just not going do it. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Um , it's not gonna happen. I, I can't tell you the number of times that I know printed Corey have looked at me and like, you know, if dad moved another inch, he was gonna prison . I was protect , I , you know what ? Social codes will sometimes supersede professional code .
Anitra:Ooh , that's good. That's good. Yeah.
Andre:Because there was a day one time where Cory was driving to school. I was in the passenger seat and this guy came to the stop sign after Cory did. So Cory now is doing the right thing, pausing and now making a left turn. And the guy decided to go anyhow. Yeah . Even though he came after and
Anitra:California stopped.
Andre:Listen, he had the nerve to roll down his window and start acting like he was gonna speak to Cory till he saw me. Thank Lord . And my social code supersede my professional code as I told him he was number one. And I don't mind telling him to his face <laugh> . And , and Corey , and this is, this is , this is the thing about coding . Corey didn't even blink because Corey's like, that's not Pastor Andre there. That's my dad . Yeah. She
Anitra:Understands.
Andre:That's my dad's a difference . Difference . That's a , that's a dis Yeah . It's a , it's a And that's how intricate and complex our social codes are. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Uh , and, and, and , and that's why they're also so very important for us both as parents and as a society, to make sure if we're going to set the brand for our family, make sure that, that your children are very clear on , on what the family social codes are. Yeah. Very clear on what they are. Uh, 'cause there's, there's , uh, uh, you know, as we kind of move in this, this sound off second , there's, there's some, there's some life lessons summed up in some of these parental statements in social codes. There's a a hundred percent , there's a , there's a , your grandma's the one that I first heard say when we get in this grocery store, you don't want nothing. You don't need nothing. Don't ask for nothing. Right. And then, so that's the code. Then she gave the understanding of the code. 'cause if you do, I'll beat you in I 13. You gonna get ,
Anitra:And she did not play. Shed get with those little ping pong paddles or whatever.
Andre:She did not play. No, no. It didn't have to be that Whatever was in aisle 13. <laugh> . Right . <laugh> . It , it could've been pot ball . Ball I'd have came out crying. <laugh> . It could've been <laugh> . I'd have came out crying. You have , I would've walked to , I would've listened . I would have a twitch to this very day. Every time I see a Q-tip <laugh> . Right . Like , oh , <laugh> , I remember, I remember breaking out my cigarettes. I remember when I was five, I still did still do <laugh> <laugh> . So Lord. But, but the thing about it is, is is it's in that coding process that I know that I learned two things that were developed in me. The first thing <laugh> is observation. Yep . What does it mean not to want something that I clearly want. Right ? <laugh> . But , but , but watch this. Oh God . It means I'm not a spoiled bratt .
Anitra:Yeah, that's good.
Andre:It means that even as an adult, I want some things , but that doesn't mean I'm gonna get 'em .
Anitra:Yeah , yeah ,
Andre:Yeah , yeah . And so sometimes I have to learn that even though I may want it, I might not get it. But can I find joy in what I have? And here's why I say that's a family social code. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> grandma, I know because of her instilling those type of things in me. Mm-hmm . I know she was ensuring that I wouldn't be some entitled jerk of a man. Yeah.
Anitra:Yeah. So good cry
Andre:Baby. When I don't get what I want. Right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , that's what, that's the ation . But then not only the observation, but there's a mindset that she was coding in me. And that mindset was, is okay, you can't have it. But you know what? Go get a job. That part . Buy it for yourself. Yep .
Anitra:Mm-hmm.
Andre:<affirmative> , go get a job. Buy it for yourself. I can't have this Twix. Okay, grandma, when I get 14 and I get this job, I'm gonna buy a hell out of a Twix. I ain't gonna buy it with you. 'cause you know, you'd done already said, don't ask for nothing <laugh> , but when I get this money, yeah. I'm gonna be able to get what, what I , what I want. And, and , and then when you add the two together, I feel like social codes, that's just kind of that branding of who you are as a family says mm-hmm. <affirmative> , you know, you can, but should you all the time.
Anitra:But should you, that's so good.
Andre:Yeah . And so I like , I like some of the things that that that those kind of just warnings, those statements. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> those life lessons summed up in a social code, taught me, you know, what's acceptable in your behavior, what's acceptable in your thoughts, what's acceptable in your feelings. Because those things that are acceptable, those are the things that make you better . And you had to learn that through social codes, the
Anitra:Family social codes. I
Andre:Love it . Yeah, absolutely.
Anitra:I love it. I'll just add one quick thing and then we'll jump into the sponsorship. But yeah, grandma definitely taught me, you know, to this day, I don't really like Las Vegas or gambling. I might go <laugh> for the lights and shows. Right. Uh , but she used to always year after year, allow me to, to bet , uh, you know, when we as a family would go bowling , um, she would, oh yeah . Oh actually I don't even like bowling. And they guard me all around like, I don't like bowling. Right. And it , you know, I kept thinking like, okay. 'cause and part of it too is this , like you said is a humbling experience. 'cause you know, yes , we knew grandpa , grandpa was, he was just top shelf amazing bowl . Like you're not, no one's gonna ever beat him. Like that's just , you understood it. Right . The best you could do is try to track behind him. And Mom was a good bowler. Dad was a good bowler. You were good. Yes . I was the one that wasn't good. 'cause I was learning and me and my foolish self thinking, okay, well I can take on grandma 'cause she's older. She , you know, she had some knees issues going on. And, and I , she would say, yeah, Nikki , you could probably beat me <laugh> . And , and again, I didn't know what she was doing until after it was too late. And so she said, I bet you a dollar. And I'd be like, okay. And I just knew, and I would lose every single , every
Andre:Single
Anitra:Time. Single time. Yep . Like, I never, I think we just, I just, well the lesson was like , I stopped gambling <laugh> , like I learned to stop gambling before I ever got better at bowling <laugh> to beat . Right ,
Andre:Right , right. Well, because she would take , would would your dollar and would not give it back . She would
Anitra:Percent take it. She would a hundred . She was not gonna gimme that sweet talk like, oh you just a kid. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And that's exactly what she said. After a couple of times of getting beat, she said, well, why do you keep betting? Right. <laugh>. Right. And then I had to think about that and I pretty sure shortly after that I stopped
Andre:And like , Nope . Here's the beauty of that thing, <laugh> that, that coding I do and I've always done to Daniella, Corin and co . I have never let them beat me in anything. Yep . Have they beat me over time and it forced them to get better, to get better at whatever it was that we were doing. Hundred percent . So absolutely. That, that coding process, it's like I , and here's the thing. So good . Here's the thing about that. It's, it's, it's not e the coding process isn't a discussion. Like, I'm not finna talk with you and be like, do you like this lesson? It's a warning. It's an absolute warning. And here's why I say that. <laugh> , the reason the the per , there's the person that doesn't have at least a fundamental understanding mm-hmm . Of socially how to behave mm-hmm . <affirmative> socially how to carry yourself. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you , you , you're putting, you and others, your family Yep . At a disadvantage. Yep . Because at best, you're , you can be exposing yourself and your family to embarrassment and hurt. 'cause you don't know how to act in a certain situation. Right. Right . You don't have maturity in a certain situation. Yep . You, and at worst you end up limiting the reach of your family because you don't know how to , that's good's good . You ain't , that's good . You ain't, you don't act like you got some sense. Yeah . And it's that, that lack of understanding of how you should behave socially. It's that lack of understanding of, of your , that the , the family code of conduct that absolutely. Will hold you back in so many areas because mm-hmm . <affirmative> , when it becomes clear to society, you don't know how to act. When it becomes clear, start treating that you have a man. Yeah . Man ,
Anitra:They'll start treating you the way they want to ,
Andre:Man. And that sets in on an internal process too . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , because you will start to believe how the world is treating you. Hold you back in your, your professional career, hold you back emotionally, hold you back, mentally hold you back in your social life. 'cause then you'll start hanging with people that don't challenge you. People that are always okay with your mediocrity. Like , you know , your relationships. So even be , I thank God <laugh> for gram for grandma and mom and dad. I thank God for , for the , the , the family code of conduct and social behavior dynamics that they put in me. Because they have gotten me through some moments where I had to ask myself some questions. Mm-hmm . Should I do this? Yeah . Is this the right thing to do ? Should I let this person become associated with me ? Yeah . Should I invest in this relationship ? And as, and as trivial, they may have seen these codes, these, these, these, these, this coding process when I was younger. Why mom always doing this? Why dad always doing this man ?
Anitra:Right . Why they always say this? Yeah.
Andre:Man, let me tell you . Yep . Yep . Man, let me tell you <laugh> , why, you know, why dad, you know, dad would, I've heard dad say me a few times, Andre, there actually is such a thing as a stupid question. <laugh>, man, lemme tell you. Lemme tell you, lemme tell you something, lemme tell you something. When we was at that college visit, that kid kept asking stupid questions. I looked at Corey and I said, you are not to be friends with him at this college. <laugh> like , nah , you're not to be
Anitra:Avoid him. And it's really not his fault, don't have pity . It's his parents' fault,
Andre:But still's . Right . It's his parents' fault. Somebody should have told him that. You know what this is, somebody should have told him that. You know what, there are such a thing as dumb questions. Mm-hmm . And , and don't be going out outside my house asking dumb questions, <laugh> . So no, you like, they like that. What's that show? They like those parents that let those kids go on the first round of American Idol knowing they can't sing. Right? No . Like you finn to be on the bloopers episode. It's at the
Anitra:End of the season's part , the entertainment. Oh
Andre:Man. We're
Anitra:Laughing at
Andre:You . That's the thing . We're laughing at you. That's , that's why I'm saying at the basic, at the fundamental, if you don't understand how to build a , a brand, your, your family name through social conduct and social codes, you are exposing yourself to be nothing more than entertainment for the world. Mm-hmm . And I ain't Finn I ain't trying to do that. I ain't
Anitra:Trying to do I know That's right . <laugh>. All right , well let's jump into our , our sponsorship and then we're gonna dig deeper into this because you can see we're already hype and I'm excited. So shout out to our sponsor. S two MediaWorks is a media production company co-founded by my brother and I, and we're dedicating that company to creating content that educates, that empowers, inspires, and encourages us all to, you know, live a , a healthy, positive life. Our mission is to provide transformational education resources through the content that all encourage healthy and productive living. And so this particular podcast, the Savage Sibling Podcast, is a product of SKU MediaWorks and we have a , a lineup that we are producing and getting prepared to drop. We're super excited about that. So thank you for joining us here for this podcast and we can't wait to share so much more content with you guys in the future. So thanks for rocking with us. Absolutely. Alright bro. Bro, you ready to get savage? Let's
Andre:Do it. Let's do it . So again, the name of this episode is act like You Got some Sense, and, you know, the first thing I think we want to do is just kind of really give our own best guess definition mm-hmm . <affirmative> of what social codes are, right? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . 'cause the , and I , and I think it's important that if you're listening to this, that you, you learn to define what a social code is, what is your social code of conduct as a family. It's important because social codes exist whether you like it or not. Wherever people are going to interact with each other. Yep . They're going to exist and you're gonna see their existence because there's gonna be act interaction between different groups , different cultures, different communities, and those, those social contexts or content , uh, texts are there, excuse me, and content mm-hmm. <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> , they're there because they kind of establish a , uh, unspoken rule of how you govern yourself behaviorally. Yeah . Here's what I'm saying by that. I, I, I remember , um, this would've been high school. Uh, I, I , yeah, I got , um, voted my sophomore or junior year as best dressed , um, class classmate, but it was for the class I was in, I don't know if it was sophomore or junior year. At any rate, what I saw come out of that, and I'm gonna label it as social code of conduct that I, you know, put on myself. Number one was instilled by dad, who was very stylish by mom, who was like, don't walk out my house, look in any old kind of way. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , um, was this, this , uh, moment during , um, an interview for , uh, that, that community event called Unity event called Matillion. Matillion. Gotcha . Okay . Matillion. Yep . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And you know, they, back in the day they interviewed who would be in it. Right. Wow. Okay. So , so I came , yeah. So I came in with the code of conduct that got me , uh, nominated as best dressed , I wanna say. Then it had to be my junior year best dressed , you know, junior. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , another guy came in with his pants sagging gold chains and talking different than me, let's just say it that way . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative> different than me. Sure. Only one of us got in this prestigious activity and event. Sure. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it didn't mean I was better than him, it didn't mean I was smarter than him, but I had a conduct that was more connected to what the battalion wanted to represent mm-hmm . <affirmative> than him. And that's what we're kind of looking at. I don't think a code of conduct defines who you are, but it does shape how you present who you are socially. Yeah . And culturally. Yeah . And , and , and I think when you understand a code of conduct, when you, when you understand those family branding, those social codes, when you understand them, they open doors or they close doors depending on mm-hmm . <affirmative> how you present yourself. So I'm not saying social codes define who you are , but they do define how you present yourself to the world and therefore open or close opportunities for your enrichment. That's kind of how I would start this kind of foundation of what, how we're defining social codes. When someone looked at me and they knew my mom and my dad, they would say, oh yeah, he's a Evans
Anitra:Mm-hmm. <affirmative> mm-hmm .
Andre:<affirmative> . Mm-hmm . And opportunities would come.
Anitra:That's good.
Andre:Yeah. So that, that's where I would start. What about you? So
Anitra:I think for me , um, I kept kind of going back to this kind of blanket title of rules of the game. And you already spoke to it. Yeah . It's definitely rules of specific to our behavior, you know, how we present ourselves, how we communicate. And I kept thinking, you know, what I like about this idea of social codes kind of being compared to rules of the game is one, you have to know which game you're playing. And so absolutely social codes evolve based on environments, based on Oh yeah. Family structure. And so, you know, if I'm playing spades, you know, and how you present yourself, how you communicate, we know there's no talking across the table that'll get you beat up or kicked out of the house permanently. Right. Or stabbed <laugh> . Whereas basketball, you better talk, you better tell your , you know , your your teammate. Right .
Andre:You got , there's an intimidation
Anitra:Factor. Absolutely. Tell the , your opponent certain things. Tell your teammate where they need to look that the ball's coming, you know, so whatever the game is, the environment is, you're going to have to learn the rules and then the rules in terms of what your team or what you need to do versus the rules of who's leading that space. And so that's what I kept kind of unpacking as I was defining the social codes, is what are the rules of the game, which makes me first have to say, what game am I playing? And then Right . How do I fit into that? And then how does that also connect to my authentic intra self and how I communicate, how I make my way towards winning? And that's really the thing too with social codes. We all want to win, win at the, the way your family wants you to behave, win in your professional environment, win in the goals that you have for your life. And so understanding the social code, whether they're designed by your family evolved and adjusted and adapted by you or what society's trying to put on you, at the end of the day, the game is trying to win at the life that you wanna have and that's why they're there and that you need them. And so I think those are the parameters I had. No,
Andre:Absolutely. And let's unpack, you know, let's put those two together and unpack really what you were just saying. So how I present myself shows the world, how I'm gonna play the game. The game Absolutely. Is to embed or to enrich. It's, it's , it's , that's good . So these social codes end up being this, this basis for understanding my personal evolution through the environment. Yeah . That I, that I kind of, I went through and, and yeah . So now my social codes, how do I understand the game I'm playing? How do I present my ability to play? What they end up doing is qualifying or modifying or altering mm-hmm . My ability to see victory in what it is that I wanna That's good . See what it is I want , I want to do. And, and, and so Yeah. Absolutely. I, I, yeah wholeheartedly say that we do , uh, have to use , uh, kind of the training ground, which is at home, whether it's with parents or with sibling, and then go out and use what we were trained to do to the best of our ability to win at whatever it is we're trying to win at. Um, and that's, that's just self-fulfillment and wellbeing and self-betterment. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Yeah. If you, if you don't play the game right. If you don't present yourself Right. You can't be mad when you don't win and you don't win. Be mad when you don't even get it . When you actually get kicked out of the game and you can't even play. Sure . Because you didn't even start with the very basis of what's acceptable. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> when it comes to the game you're playing and your , you and your ability to present the skills you have , uh, in terms of bringing to the table. I, I , um, and use that loss,
Anitra:Use that loss to help
Andre:You . Oh , absolutely . Reevaluate . Oh , absolutely . Yeah . Absolutely. So glad. That's the thing. So , uh, and, and , and another beautiful thing about that social behavior is not only do you use the loss in order to improve and be better, but social codes will also, if you're looking at other people, they can make you better. You can look at how they're , uh, winning or losing, how they're making it in this particular environment and setting what, what is in their coding to make it happen. And you, you have the same influence and impact on, on others , um, uh, as well. Uh , that's good . When you , when you show social coats , I remember one time we were in the trolley, and this is when Corin and Corey were really young. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , and it had to be Corey , uh, that was probably acting up a bit. It had to be Cory . 'cause Corin Oh man is very docile. So it had to be Corey <laugh> . But I remember , um, for me, you know, I'm watching how mom and dad dealt with me. I'm watching how grandma and grandpa dealt with me. I pulled Corey to me, and I, I whispered my threats in her ear.
Anitra:Right.
Andre:Right.
Anitra:I , I witnessed what I'm saying . You guys , I've witnessed him do this <laugh>.
Andre:So I, I I pull her close and I whisper my threats in her ear. That means what I don't do is yell at her across the room. I don't yell. Explicative of social coding says, act like you got some sense. I'm winning at parenting 'cause I'm not embarrassing my child.
Anitra:That's so good.
Andre:You see what I'm saying? Yep . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . So , so , so playing the game, you know, ha ha is , is not just a one way . I'm not, social codes aren't one way . That's why they're the word social in there. They're not one way. So part of social codes is, is presenting yourself in a way that you realize that the way you're carrying yourself and the thing you're doing to see yourself better isn't just you. Right . It's your family name. That's , it's everything in the environment. It's the folks who you're playing the game , the game against. 'cause the fact of the matter is, is if your social code shows me that you get hotheaded real fast, guess what I'm going to use to beat you? Your hot headedness, your I'm gonna kick you off your game. Yep . Right? So, so social codes are, acts are so broad. Um, the brand you carry at your is your family last name. It's so, so broad now. So let's, let's get in some of these definitions. Okay . How do you feel like social codes are defined by family? So
Anitra:I was, I'm packing this and I'm thinking about our family, right? And I was like, okay , let me first look at, you know, what, what really is, and I think you coined this term earlier in , in our earlier producing session, that really, it's your family brand. So, so it's your family's creating a brand that's gonna represent the legacy of generations to come. Ideally. And that can be, and we'll talk about this more good and bad, positive and negative. It can , you know , brand is brand, you know. Um , and so I , I wanted to first just look at, okay, well what for me was the Evans brand, right ? And I think as I was unpacking that, and I did think about the Dangerfield brand and I'll share both of those, but it came down to what is the overarching I , you know, identity the identifiers mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> that are going to be , uh, what people assign to me, to my brother, to my parents and, and those that also now kind of trickle down or continue down into my son and the generations to come was how I was thinking about this, this branding process . Process . And so when I thought about our family, the Evans brand, I kind of , uh, pared it down to this notion of one of our overarching or umbrella , uh, you know, I identifiers as Evans' maximize your potential and maximize the opportunities. Yeah. And I felt like I was trying to, because you kind of have to, I don't wanna say mush together what both of your parents or your siblings, what everyone's doing, but you do start to see the identity through that, even if they're modeled differently. Even if they're demonstrated differently, even if the backgrounds, 'cause obviously our parents grew up differently, right? Uh , they're still going to be these overarching or umbrella , uh, you know, identity , um, specific, you know, isms that we do as an Evans or we don't do as an Evans. Right . And so when I thought about maximizing your potential and opportunities, I was thinking about mom and dad and with dad, dad's bottom line with anything that we approached in life was whether you get educated or not, whatever you do, you give 2000% period.
Andre:You absolutely do.
Anitra:Absolutely . He didn't play about that. Like , and I , not at all . We watched our dad, you know, he who was an engineer, retired, always had, you know, multiple degrees military man . It did not matter what he did. He did it 2000%. Because if he had decided the answer was yes, right, then he's gonna stick to that, then the whole whole answer was yes. The , the whole answer was yes. And even when, you know, I would talk about college, university, you know, going into , um, acting, his bottom line would be whatever you're gonna do, do 2000%. So when I was undecided about if I was just gonna move to New York and start acting or if I was gonna go to school, he never said You should do this or that. What he would do is reiterate, maximize your opportunity. So when I went and I was going to get a tattoo, it was my first and only tattoo. 'cause it hurt <laugh> when I was 17 years old. I remember dad sitting in his recliner and Dre knows what that looks like before I was about to leave. And he says he going to get a tattoo, huh? And I was like, yeah, you know, high school senior doing my thing. And he's like, and , and you still wanna do acting? And I was like, yeah. He was like, so what does that mean for your body? 'cause then that's your tool for an actor. You gotta have your body, you know, I was that tattoo go work <laugh> for your acting career. Right. And I remember just kind of looking at him and then saying, thank you Father <laugh> , and kind of walking away. Right? Right. Because he would always drop stuff on me, right ? Yes . And there was no discussion. Nope . It was like, this is the legacy. I don't care what you do, if you gonna act , act, I'm just saying if you gonna do it, do it 2000%. I don't know if going and tattooing your body up is gonna work right . For you to be the versatile actress that you need to be. And that's how he was. If you get a degree, great. But if you're gonna be a student, be the best student. Be the best. If you're going to go and be an entrepreneur, be the best at it. His bottom line in terms of, you know , Evan's branding was listen and learn. Right . Listen and learn. Listen and learn. Yeah . Listen to the people who are the specialists And learn. And learn. Yeah. Whereas mom, she was definitely pro-education. Education was a must because of, you know, her background because of our grandmother who wasn't allowed to have that. So that was instilled in her. Right. And her thing was always, again, maximize your potential and your opportunities. So when I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to college, I'm gonna be a theater major, I'm gonna do the arts , she was like, great, you should probably also double major. You should probably also look at journalism. You should maybe look at broadcast, you should look at some other opportunities. And back in that time, they always called it a backup plan, which now we PPO on that idea. Yes we do. But it wasn't that she was trying to purely say, give up on your dreams. What she's saying is, maximize your potential. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , if you're going to be in college, take all the classes you can take that will maximize what you can do. You gotta figure out how you're going to make money while you're acting. If acting isn't fully, you know, taking care of the bills , uh, you gotta figure out the workforce related , you know, things you're gonna have to do to survive while you're performing. And so her strategy was engage and learn where dad was, listen and learn. Mom was very much engage and learn. Uh, jump in there and yeah, you're gonna bump your head. Stuff may not work out. You might decide that that wasn't the right way to go, but as long as you're engaging with everything that's available to you, you will find your way, you know, through this. And then you're maximizing the potential. She didn't want me to be tunnel vision. She didn't want me to only pick, pick one, one, you know, pathway, and then find out five, 10 years later I wish I had done all these other things. And so they had their different approaches. But it , you know, it it just, it came down to everything. Relationships, finances. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , personal engagement. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Yeah . It all came back to what can you maximize in this? What potential is there that you might be overlooking you need to dig into? And what opportunities are there that you can take advantage of? And I understood that was the brand. So I didn't feel stifled in terms of my creativity. I didn't feel stifled in terms of choices. I didn't feel forced as a woman to get married or to not marry. Right. It would always come back to, are you maximizing your potential? Are you maximizing your opportunities? And that's a beautiful space and I love that brand that we got from the Evans family. And I think it's why we, you know, continue to be successful and thrive because they always, you know, push forward to maximize that. And I wanna say one other thing, I'll kick it back to you. When I was thinking about the Dangerfield brand, which is our, our, you know, our mom's , um, grandparent, our grandparents' brother , uh, their thing was always this notion of you always have options. Mm-hmm . That was the brand mm-hmm . Of the Dangerfield. And so whether it related to, you know, avoiding debt so that it continued to give you options. Right. Whether it related to paying forward your resources and skills, which grandpa always had, always entrepreneurs. And he would always wanna train someone else and share something else. They never wanted us to be limited. And so that their bottom line was don't ever feel like you don't have options. You do, you have options in how you're gonna use your resources. Yeah. You have options in how you want to grow and educate yourself. You have options . Listen, when both of us unfortunately , um, had divorces both of our grandparents never want us to feel like it's the end of the world. Never. You have options. Right? Your kids have options. You have options. And that again, was the legacy. Even them fighting through, you know, the difficulty of the, the time period and the generation they were raised in. Absolutely . They still came out of it believing there are always options. I don't care about my skin color, I don't care about, you know, what's in my bank account. I don't care about what society says. The legacy of the Dangerfield household is. We always have options. Yeah. And so those are the two things that hit me. And as I'm thinking about the family brand specifically for us, and I think then it evolves as you continue. But let me, let me pass it to you . What are your thoughts? So ,
Andre:Well, so what's interesting is, is those were the, the parts of the brands that they pushed on you. Okay . And I don't know if it was because you and I are are different or mm-hmm. <affirmative> and , and or mom and dad. Were trying to figure out how to even develop a family legacy with me first. Sure . Because
Anitra:So early,
Andre:What I got pushed on me was, is this is how we as a family succeed, act, behave. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . What I got pushed on me was, is looking at some other kid act up. We don't do that. Andre <laugh>. That's what got pushed on me. You , we ain't Finn do that. Don't be behave like that . For
Anitra:The record , I was well-behaved. I was well behaved Except and except
Andre:For a small extent . And so here's the thing. Here's the thing. I think that's, I think that's the complexity of social codes. Sure .
Anitra:Yeah.
Andre:I am different. I have to be coded different. There you go. So they never, you go , they never had to talk to me about options. I always knew what I wanted to do. Yeah . 'cause I, I lived life in my head. So by the time it came out my mouth, I had already known everything been years I wanted to do. Right , right . Yeah . Exactly.
Anitra:I've been thinking about this as I'm two , I'm still <laugh> ,
Andre:I've been thinking about this <laugh> . Right. Since I could formulate a thought. So , right. Absolutely. So they didn't have , so that's not a , those weren't things they talked needed to talk to me about. What they had to talk to me about is we don't do that. Like, right . Listen Andre, we don't show up at the house in the back of a police car. Like, we don't do that Andre. We don't get caught for shoplifting. We don't do that. Andre. Oh yeah . So much of mine was like , mine was like the external side. Like yours was, let's look at the inside of you and say this is what makes you an Evans . Mine was, yeah , let's look at how the world sees us. Yes . This is not what Evans is supposed to do on . Clearly
Anitra:You already making some choices.
Andre:You're messing up . You're really like , you not finna redefine what we know to be true.
Anitra:Wait, wait, wait . Dre , that's why they had to change their strategy with me. Like start internal. Because clearly they , we gotta start deeper. We gotta go deeper into our child
Andre:<laugh> . No , no . See you bring out a great point. That's, this is what I'm saying. So all of us are co we're were coded different. And you changed your strategy as a family because times changed with me. Mom gave up, mom was like, you ain't gotta have no curfew, you just gonna do what the hell you want to do. And then dad came back from his, his contract and Honeywell. And I remember I came home one day at like two in the morning and dad was sitting in his recliner and dad was like, I don't know what the hell's going on with this social code, but it's about change . Right . Here's
Anitra:Over , we
Andre:Don't do that . So he said , Andre , what you doing coming in at two ? I said, well , mom said I don't have no curfew. Dad said she did. Huh. And that's all he said,
Anitra:<laugh> .
Andre:That's all he said. Ask me what time. I came in the next day,
Anitra:8 57 <laugh> .
Andre:8 59 and 57 seconds . I don't know if my curfew was nine o'clock, but that's what it was before Mom said I don't have to have a curfew. God . So I went back to the code of the last coding of dad. But you know, because no, we don't do that. But , but look at, watch this, watch how the strategy changes. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> now I say to Corin and Cory , I've never had to say, lemme back up. I've never had to say Ka Tina never had to say to Corinne and Cory that you have a curfew. Mm . All we said was, is you gotta get the best grades you could get. That's the strategy you got from mom's. You gotta play an instrument, you gotta play a sport. Mm-hmm . You gotta learn a second language. So we expanded the strategies that mom and dad used with you. Mm-hmm . By the time you do all that, you too tired to be coming in at 2:00 AM
Anitra:Anything triple <laugh> .
Andre:Right . <laugh> . That's why like Rin and Corey , I'd be like, come on girls, let's go party. COR will tell you in a minute I'll be asleep by nine o'clock. Dad ,
Anitra:Corey tell I'm
Andre:Going to be tired . I'll be in bed by 10 o'clock. Dad , come on, let's go party. Let's go . I mean , I'm trying to get them to go to the club. I'm trying to get 'em to go to the club. No , we good . No , we good . Too tired. I'm trying to get him to go out on the date. Nah , we good. <laugh> .
Anitra:I'm too tired. It's so, I love it .
Andre:It's so, so it's so true. The family definition of this mm-hmm . <affirmative> of social coding is never standard. It changes Right . It adapts. New strategies have to come . But the bottom line is, is these strategies come in order to protect the brand. Protect, yeah .
Anitra:Right .
Andre:That's , if you look at the McDonald's logo, it's not the same today as it was in the sixties.
Anitra:Right? Right.
Andre:Yep . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , it had to evolve. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , if you listen to their, to their motto, not the same. It add to evolve because you gotta protect the brand, which means you gotta evolve, your strategies have to change. So that's what we do as, as a family. And , but then let's, let's go a bit deeper. How do we define social codes? As, as siblings? Mm-hmm.
Anitra:<affirmative> . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And let me just add one thing for, it's so funny 'cause I never knew that about the curfew with you. Oh yeah . And I know when I did have my high school run where I was acting up and wasn't, you know, following directions and following the , the brand and started staying out late mom strategy for me, at first, she would take my car keys, put me on punishment mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And I would just wait until I got off and go right back to the same foolish behavior. Gimme my punishment. I don't care. You know, I'd go through all that rebellious age . But where she got me to change, it's interesting, very similar, but it was her and not dad. She , um, she was waiting up one morning and again, I came in probably about one or two like you mm-hmm. <affirmative> and uh, and she and I could see that her eyes were really tired. Yeah . And I could see she was exhausted and she just simply said to me, she said, I would never hurt you the way that you're hurting me. Ooh . And she said, you can keep your geese . And then she never tried to punch me and it broke me down. Which goes back to , like you said, coding . She understood clearly there's a perspective that Nikki doesn't get about the brand of our family and that something else we don't do is we don't hurt each other like this. That's it. That's it. Like we consider each other and it like never again. I, like you ask me what time I came
Andre:In. Right . 8 59
Anitra:<laugh> . Right , right . And she never gave me a curfew. Never . But I realized mm-hmm . Because I realized I , that was hurting her in a deeper way. And you know, you don't get it until you get it
Andre:<laugh>. So, so that, that really helped shape what social codes the family brand is. It's not a set . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> a set of laws or policies mm-hmm . <affirmative> , it's really a set, it's a boundary on the relationship. It's a setting, it's a relationship setting. You don't hurt. That's good . You don't, you don't disrespect us. Yeah . You don't, you don't put us in a position where we have to be ashamed. Yeah. Yeah . Feel guilty. Those aren't rules, those aren't policies. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , those are d n a things. Those are you where , where I'm quoing your D n a , which makes you mm-hmm . <affirmative> and Evans . And, and and, and that kind of helps with also that that foundation was taken further when we started defining social codes as, as siblings . Yeah . Because when I , because I want , 'cause think about this for a second. As a only child for four years, I have this limitless attention mm-hmm . <affirmative> income resources mm-hmm . <affirmative> from mom and dad. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , as soon as Nikki comes along, it's cut in half. Yep . Changes . Yeah . Attention's cut in half mm-hmm . Income's cut in half, resources cut in half. Yep . But mom and dad didn't get , uh, they didn't double those things. Their income didn't double. The resources didn't double. Their time didn't double. Mm-hmm . So now what you end up doing in social coding with a sibling is learning how to code in the, in the language of sharing shared space. Yeah . Mm-hmm . It's shared space code in the language of affection, empathy, sympathy. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> code in the language of assistance and helping. The reason why I can call on you today, Nikki , hey, I need help financially, I need help. Mm-hmm . Whatever. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> is because we both had to learn how to have the resources. That's good . When it came to both of us being in the home. That's a social code. Yeah . That's good . So now , so now we get to the point where we're saying you can, we can say growing up , uh, and , and I see this in Corin and Corey as well. They might say Dad has it, but if we both ask for it, dad has nothing. Yeah . Yeah . So can we go without it and find something better? Uh , just as enriching. Just as fulfilling. Yeah . So I , you know, so that sibling social code says, no , let's experience life and act like we're not in lax mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And then that's, that's, that's the thing. So now then I can say, well, Nikki , the, the brand of the Evans family as siblings is, is if I got it, you got it. Yeah. Mm-hmm . If you got it, I got it. And I'm never going to ask Nikki for something that's going to break her. She's never gonna ask me for something that's gonna break me. Yeah . Those are codings we learned as siblings that were built off the foundation. We got from our , uh, from our parents defining code of conduct mm-hmm . <affirmative> and , and social behavior, things like that. So that's, that's what I saw when I, when I look at, well then how does that work as siblings? How do we code each other? Um, as siblings? I'm , uh, did you see anything different you want to add to that? I
Anitra:Think no, I definitely , uh, co-sign everything you said I had. I don't think it's a different perspective. I think just, just different. Um, but it's the same but different. Let me unpack that. So for, for me, I feel like there was a kind of, and we've talked about this before, but a mirror holding or a reflective mm-hmm . <affirmative> space in coding between siblings where part of how you learn your family brand, not, you know, your parents speak it down and then now you look at it being in your D N a , but you're also watching your siblings to see how they're processing it. Right . And then it's bouncing back to you <laugh> for you to process it and so forth. And so this is kind of how I broke it down for , you know, being a younger sibling to you, I just always remember you were more of the mantra of don't embarrass me, <laugh> the Eastern mom or dad were Yes . Matter of fact, like I remember going to, you know, the mall with dad on the days that, that I was with him and like may maybe mom was working or whatever and he, you know, he had to figure out how to comb my hair. And I know I probably looked a hot mess and you know, kind of had some pigtails or whatever. But he didn't care. He was like, I'm with my baby girl. We going to do what we gotta do. And mom, very much the same way. Now, my brother <laugh> ,
Andre:Uh, voted his most fashionable , best dressed
Anitra:His junior year . I'm about to get to it. I am , that's a all up in my notes with you . But so, you know, that that kind of notion of don't embarrass me, which it does go not just to your siblings, but to the larger brand of the Evans family because we're all part of it. So, you know, for for Dre it's like if, you know, whatever you're doing is going to embarrass me, stop. Right. If what you're wearing is going to embarrass me, change no <laugh> . Right ? Yeah . You being here is an embarrassment. Leave, leave <laugh> . And I remember, you know, there'd be , everybody would go to our, you know, our local mall. Like that was one of the outings in Wichita, Kansas and the Midwest is the weekends you hit up the mall and Dre would be like town east if town east , right. Like, if you gonna be there with your friends, don't say hi to me. <laugh>. Right. <laugh> . And I would be like, why <laugh> ? You know, it'd be like, because that's what you're wearing and that's how you behave. And that's an embarrassment. Right. And so pretty soon you start to just, you know, reflect on it and you, and you do pay attention to how do you carry yourself. And I'm making light of it, but it does make you think, how do I look? What should I say? What is is the standard of how I behave. Mm-hmm . Not only because obviously my parents do care, but I have a sibling that if he sees it, and for those of you who have siblings, she sees it, they see it, they're gonna say something, it's gonna be a problem. Right . Somewhere along the lines. And that's what I mean by that mirror holding and that reflective space. Oh yeah. Is that okay? I don't get to just purely kind of do whatever I, I'm learning how to become the Anitra Evans in this larger, you know, family brand. Right . I'll give a an example. Uh, you know, I'm taking my son to a Laker game and I , you know, again, this goes back to Anitra. I don't really care purely about the sports etiquette. I know the team I like. I know. And that's the team we're gonna go see in the Memphis Grizzlies. So we were trying to, my son and I were trying to kind of discern, you know, what is that sports etiquette? And here's the thing about branding and family coding. So we end up talking to Uncle Andre about it. 'cause he is a sports fanatic and he knows all those sports etiquette things. And because my son is also becoming a sports fanatic, I care enough about him to try to make sure he's set on the right path. It's up to your mama wear whatever the doggone you feel like wearing <laugh> because you do that. But we are going to a game. Laker fans are very uh oh yeah. Formidable <laugh> . Yes. They're, they are very assertive. They're right mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And so I'm not a Laker fan, I'm a Memphis Grizzlies fan, specifically John Morant . So we call Uncle Andre and we're like , okay, what's the sports etiquette? And so he breaks it down for us. Well yeah. If your team's not playing, you don't need to be wearing your team's jersey. You either need to wear, you know, one of the teams that are playing or just wear something nice that you like to wear <laugh> . Right . Like keep it simple. Right. Right . Don't go in there with a golden State Warriors jersey if the Golden State Warriors are not playing. Don't do that. Once you get to a certain age, certain , once you get to a certain age Yeah. Respect for the game. And so that's the idea. I still knew too that we could call him and ask him, because now the embarrassment is no longer, oh don't embarrass Uncle Andre. Although I'm sure if he saw some pictures <laugh> on Facebook or Twitter, Instagram and I was wearing one jersey and his nephew's wearing another, he probably would've called been like, Hey , what's happening here ? Whatcha y'all doing when we gonna change this? Right. But you start to think about, is this going to embarrass my son? Is this going to embarrass us? Is it our lack of information? So let's go get the information. And so that's the , that's the thing I think siblings do is they definitely will hold the mirror up so that you can get a sense of where you are as you're developing, you know, the family brand and kind of help you have some checks and balances. One other thing I wanna say that I personally didn't experience, and I think this is specific , uh, to to gender when it comes to siblings, where this can get tricky in terms of how we look to our siblings to help us figure out that brand is I do think that you have to be careful not to get swallowed in the shadow of your sibling. Oh yeah. Yeah . And I see that happen a lot in the same gender. Because if you're a younger brother with an older brother and the family brand has already, you know, been passed down and you're learning it, you , your parents even say, do what your brother does or take make , they tell the older sibling, look out for your younger brother. That's what they want you to then, you know, walk in their stead. And so that can be tricky. I , I imagine, 'cause I don't, I didn't walk in that journey that you start to just basic , basically mimic Right. You start to mimic what's happening. And I feel like you start to see that change as siblings of the same gender or those who've been swallowed up by the older sibling or the other sibling as they get older, then they break out and you're like, where is this coming from? Well, it's been there all along. Sure . But the family brand made it hard for me. Sure , sure. To , to figure out that piece. And I just wanna put a note out that I've watched, I've got really good friends from Wichita and I've watched that happen where so much of the brand was follow what your brother does, your si your sister does. And then as they get older, you see them start to really maintain the quality of the brand, but still also allow their own identity and authenticity to uh , to blossom too . What's up Savage Siblings? Are you guys enjoying this discussion about social codes and the isms that our families instill in us while we are kids? I hope so. As you know, Dre and I like to dig in deep and I'm still sitting here pondering some of the things our parents instilled in us and y'all , I'm talking about the good and the bad, right? Listen, we truly enjoyed this topic and this discussion. So we start to dig into more details about social codes and how they're defined by society. Our familial social codes, those that you can show in public versus those you got to keep private. And we talk about fighting against the social isms that you really don't want to use, that don't build a proper family legacy of the family brand. We get into all that and then some. So I want you guys to please join us next time for part two of Act Like You Got some sense You don't wanna miss out on the transformational perspective segment, the Quick Shot, which is always hilarious. And Dre's final Blow is always a blessing. So I just wanna stop and say thank you. Thank you so much for joining us for part one and for the podcast in general. Please help us build this Savage siblings community. I need you guys to like, to share, to comment, leave a review, subscribe, send this podcast to your favorite Savage sibling and share your thoughts, right? Like maybe you have your own example of act like you got some sense, right? Those moments in your life. We wanna hear about those. Okay. Huge shout out to the amazing team of people who make this possible. Dwayne McClendon, Kyle Davis, shout out to you. Mighty gents. Those are our sound editors. Ronnie Maxwell of Maxwell Music, he's our music producer. Keith Cross of K Cross Photography does all the amazing photos. And last but certainly not least, our parents Yep . For their d n A. All the funny life lessons. And again, you, the listeners, we wouldn't be here without you. So until next time, please remember, don't go through life alone. Take care.