I Got Five On It ~ Part Two

Welcome Back to Part Two of "I Got Five On It!"   This episode discusses the art of fair partnership, reciprocity, and negotiation between siblings and the impact that understanding reciprocity has on future relationships. Reciprocity and fair partnership are valuable and foundational for healthy adult relationships and building a healthy future. Join in on the laughter and inspiration with the Savage Siblings as they discuss the pros and cons of reciprocity and how that is connected to the spirit of negotiation. The episode asks, what do we both bring to the table of our relationships, business partnerships and human interactions? Learn the difference between healthy reciprocity and transactional relationships and get better to reach agreement and harmony through the value of reciprocity.  

Memorable quotes:

• Reciprocity in family isn’t a space to get paid, but a space where you say thank you for what the family provides. ~ Anitra
• Healthy reciprocity is trust to give and receive so you can keep pushing forward. ~ Anitra
• Healthy reciprocity gives you knowledge of how to add value and is rooted in openness and honesty. ~ Anitra
• People don’t have glass foreheads, and can't show scars if reciprocity isn’t healthy. ~ Anitra
• Reciprocity is harmony over balance, knowing what is required for the well being of the relationship. ~ Anitra
• You want the victory, you must make the investment, accept the struggle and reveal your vulnerability. ~ Andre
• Reciprocity is awareness and investment that requires work.  Anitra
• Effective reciprocity may require more for one member during one season, but not enabling.  Anitra
• Transactional relationships are negative or selfish reciprocity. ~ Anitra
• Stop giving when the other person isn’t inclined to contribute to promote growth. ~ Anitra
• Reciprocity is sometimes sacrificial.  Andre
• Forgiveness doesn't require both parties to participate; but anybody involved is given space for reciprocity. ~ Anitra

Keywords: 

#MentalHealth, #therapy,  #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling,  #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast, #Negotiation, #Fairpartnership, #Reciprocity, #Comingtothetable, # Knowthetable, #Reliability, #Harmonyoverbalance, #Transactional/antireciprocity, #ParasitenotReciprocity,  #Sacrifice, #Takermentality

Call to Action: 

• Post comments! Leave us a review!
• Share your thoughts on how you define reciprocity.  Have you developed excellent negotiation skills from your siblings?
• Any topics you want us to discuss?

Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography

00:00:00 ~ Introduction
00:02:00 ~ Savage Segment: How I learned reciprocity?
00:20:50 ~ Savage Segment: How do we use reciprocity?
00:24:43 ~ Savage Segment: You Owe Me!
00:31:22 ~ Savage Segment: When to stop giving.
00:48:38 ~ Transformational Perspective: Know who to bring to the table.
00:52:52 ~ The Quick Shot: Encourage People to Reciprocate
00:58:52 ~The Final Blow: Everybody gets more!
01:00:55 ~ Closing: Thanks for joining us!

Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.

Transcript

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Anitra: 0:11

Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am Anitra and Lawson storyteller, producer, educator, content creator, creator . He is Dr . Andre Evans. He's the chief negotiator for the Evans family. He even negotiates in silence. Yep , that's right. Silent pressure. He's very good at that. We are the Savage siblings, and this is the Savage Siblings Podcast, where we are brutally honest, relentlessly transparent, and unapologetically authentic. So glad you guys are rocking with us for another episode. Hey, welcome back. Welcome back to part two of I got five on it. Yep . Is that you, are you the person who's always willing to contribute to support the vision, to add to the goal of the greater good? You got five on it. So that's what we've been delving into in importance of reciprocity. We've been analyzing what we bring to the table and understanding that everyone has to bring something. Right? So welcome back to the discussion. This is part two. So if you didn't listen to part one, put a pause right here. Go back and listen to part one. You gotta catch up. Catch up on the Art of fair partnership, reciprocity, negotiation, all from the sibling perspective. So we talked about positive and negative reciprocity. 'cause there's a difference, y'all, how we learned reciprocity. 'cause sometimes you have bad examples. Identifying givers and takers. Yeah. That's you. If you the one that's always saying, can I get, can I get, can I get you a taker? Right. We laid a lot of foundation in part one . I want you to go check it out. Okay. But we got a lot more to discuss right here, right now in part two of, I got five on it. So without further ado, let's get into it. Y'all ready to get savage? Good. Let's get savage. I think I taught , thought about it from the standpoint and perspective of relationships. Like how I've learned reciprocity is through these relationships. And so for me, I broke it down into a couple of, like, core relationships. So obviously we talked about parents , uh, prior to . But what I think is, is so important in terms of how our parents teach us reciprocity, is I remember one of our good fr family friends, like growing up, our childhood family, friends , um, they had a large blended family. And every time I would go over to their house, Dre, I would watch when it was dinner time . And they didn't have a lot of money, but , um, the , all the siblings would come together. 'cause the mom was a , at the , at that time she was a single mom. And so she was taking care of all five of her kids by herself. And I watched them all, like basically turn dinnertime into this like, visual symphony where everybody was right . Doing what was their strength. And so some of , um, some of the siblings were better cooks, and so they did the cooks cooking. Some others were better at setting the table and getting things arranged. Some were better at washing the dishes. Uh , absolutely . And I remember I was there as a guest and I just wanted to jump in the symphony. Right ? It reminded me of absolutely something on like , like polar express or something. Like I wanted to jump in and sing along and, and move along with it. Uh , but I remember thinking this is something that they obviously with the circumstance had to learn. How, how do we all step in and make sure everybody eats, everybody has a space. Everything is taken care of. No one should have to carry all of the weight. And I watched that and it, it just kept reminding me how, you know , you want to be able, I think, as a parent, 'cause now I'm speaking from the standpoint of parents , um mm-hmm. <affirmative> , you know, to teach your children , um, how they can, you know, give how they can contribute. And so right in watching that symphony, even though we didn't have that symphony in our house, you know, decades later when I had , um, you know, our , my son , uh, I remember <laugh> thinking about, well, growing up we'd never had an allowance. Right? Uh right . That wasn't even just something that we did in , in the household. But as I was thinking about Malachi and wanting to introduce, you know, financial independence to him and how you can make money, I remember deciding, I'm not going to, you know, pay him for something that should be part of reciprocity. Right. <laugh> . So when I talked to Guy , when I talked to Malachi and was like, Hey, I'm gonna pay you for using your mind, right? So I'm not gonna pay pay you for playing sports. I'm not gonna pay you for things I'm gonna pay you for , for something that I want you to know is has value. So I'm gonna pay you every time I read and every time you can tell me something. So we have this system where he gets paid so much per, you know, per page. And then he has to, you know, break down . I love it , what he understood and write it out. And so before he understood the piece about the reciprocity, he was like, well, why can't I get paid for washing the dishes? Or why can't I get paid for taking the trash out? Right? And I said, because your , your mind is valuable and everything about you is valuable, but I want to sow into your mind right's and let you know that's it . Not only here's, but in life you can get, you know, you should be valued for the creativity, for what comes outta your mind. But I said, when you take out the trash and wash dishes, that's the way you say thank you to mom and dad for what we're doing to bring in the house, what we're doing to make sure that you eat what we're doing to make sure you have a roof over your head. And obviously we do all that through the power of God. But I wanted him to know that's not a space where you should get paid. That's a space where you say thank you. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And that's what reciprocity is . That's good . So I said, every time that you take the trash out, what you're saying is, thank you dad. Thank you mom, for what you've done here . I love it . Every time you wash the dishes, what you're saying is, thank you. And so parents have a wonderful space where we, I think we learn from them , um, in lots of different ways. Whether it's the symphony of that, you know , that are my family friends back in Kansas, or if it's something as simple as the dynamics of should you have an allowance and should you not? And what that looks like. But I definitely think from there , friends , um, because friendship has to be open and honest, like friendships, right . Quality friendships only exist in the space of openness and honesty. And because it depends on that. That's also the foundation for reciprocity. Even as you, like you mentioned, you , you broke it down so beautifully before I even know if I can give Right? If I'm going to receive mm-hmm . Or who's gonna come to the table mm-hmm . And who I'm gonna invite to this table. Mm-hmm . If I'm not open and truthful about what's at the table, and if I'm not honest about who I want there or if I should be there, then I don't even have the foundation for healthy reciprocity. And I think when you have right , good quality friends, then that , that harmony is in place so you can trust to give and receive in a healthy way. And you can absolutely modify and , and adjust as that friendship modifies and grows over time. And one of my best friends from Daytona Beach, before she moved out here to Cali, she called to check in . And she, it was a moment where I was feeling a little homesick. I think I had only been to, to Cali in Cali for like a year. Okay. And I was just overwhelmed with just how different it was. <laugh> and just all the stuff I was seeing. I lived in h weird as we call it. So I was seeing a whole lot mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And so she was checking on me and she could hear through , through my voice like, this is, yeah , it's gonna be okay. And she's trying to encourage me. And I said , Broo , like a week later, I had a care package that showed up on my doorstep. Her That's awesome . That's awesome. And in inside it, were all these little trinkets from Florida and things that were reminiscent of Kansas. And at the center of it, she was telling me, just keep pressing forwards. You , you're , you're , yeah , that's good . You are your authentic self here. But in case you get homesick, remember you're a product of Kansas. You came out of Florida, you got everything you need. You're equipped to, you know, take California by storm and just keep pushing forward. And it just touched me. But it's because of our friendship that I had the space Absolutely . To be vulner to her and tell her what I was really feeling. Someone else would've been like, how's Cali ? I'd be like, dope. It's great. And even though I'm crying at night, right ? Right . It's amazing. Nothing's wrong. But the friendship gave me the safety to really be honest about where I was, what I was feeling. And that is so critical for reciprocity. Because if I don't truly know where you are, what you're feeling, I don't even know how to add the value. Don't even , don't

Andre: 8:00

Even know how to give, don't know how to give, don't know what to , to bring to the

Anitra: 8:03

Table. Don't even know what to give. And then that person doesn't receive it because that's not what I really need. But you weren't open and honest, honest about what, what you really needed. So now there's no balance and we're left incomplete, we're left, you know, wanting. And so quality reciprocity is rooted in openness and honesty. And that's for both sides of it . Absolutely. If you're not willing to be , be open and honest, don't expect accurate reciprocity. People don't have glass foreheads. Right . Right, right , right . They can't just, you come on , look at your mind and know exactly what you're feeling and vice versa. You know, it don't necessarily show your vulnerability to people who you don't count as true friends. That's a tenant . That part foundation for friendship. That too . Because you're gonna set yourself up, up to show your scars. Sh show your your dirty draws <laugh> . Right, right . And you're gonna get yourself hurt. They're , they're not gonna give what you really need. They might give you something else. And so friends teach you , uh, reciprocity when it's grounded in openness and honest honesty. And these are the last two things I'm gonna say that I'll kick it back to you, bro, bro , to talk about, you know, how we use it. But listen, I firmly believe that I am not saying everyone needs to go to college or to university, but I do believe that every <laugh> , every person as much as possible, should have one semester of living in a room with a complete stranger. Stranger . The context of college roommate. I just feel like some life lessons, maybe some fighting <laugh> , Lord Jesus, Mr . Cuffs , you know, maybe all that will, will come out of it. But I tell you, as much as I learned and I grew and I matured, you know, being a sibling to Andre and being from the Midwest and all the parents, my parents taught us, I learned a whole lot more in addition to once I had to have a college roommate who I did not know. Right. That part , I think it's for the good. And I think so just being in spaces where you have to learn how to have a harmony, that it's not just your world. That your roommate does care if you smoke inside <laugh>. Right . Your , your room together, they do care that you don't clean the toilet. That you don't need to stay up all night with the light on. And my brother actually taught me that. My first, you know, my literally the first week that I moved to Tallahassee and was just getting moved into , uh, my dorm, I think you and I, we had gone somewhere to get some stuff and by the time we were headed home, it was like almost midnight. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And so I think you were like, okay, I'll get home. I said, yeah, I'm gonna unpack all this stuff and do all this. And you were like, when? And I was like, tonight. And, and you were like, okay, but what about your roommate? Right. <laugh> . And I was like, oh . I was like, oh , <laugh> . Right ? And this is like the first week. And so I was like, I hadn't thought about her Right at all. Right at all. And trust me, the next couple of weeks I learned how to think about her. She learned how to think about me. <laugh> Jesus. Yes . And we figured it out. But I definitely think, and I told that to my stepson 'cause he wasn't always very good , uh, shout out to Keith . He wasn't always , always very good at cleaning the room. And I said, you know, your mama knee can't wait till you get off to college. You going to get a roommate just as nasty. And I tell you, he called me about a semester and it was like, Mamanee , I can't stand. I was like , yep . So now you're learning that process. So definitely people, parents, friends, college roommates. And lastly, absolutely 100% your spouse marriage will absolutely teach you. Uh , you do learn reciprocity. Jesus . So again, regardless of where you think you are , Jesus , on the spectrum of reciprocity and relationships, these types of relationships are gonna always kick it a step forward. And I , you know, I , the thing that I always say that I've, I had to learn and I've learned, and I'm still learning , uh, when it comes to marriage and reciprocity, is it's always focusing on the wellbeing of my spouse. Like always , that is the priority that I have to put before me. And how can I improve their wellbeing and what makes them feel seen, heard and recognized. And it is harmony over balance because it is not mm-hmm . <affirmative> 50 50, it's not 100, 100. It's whatever the moment, the circumstance to keep, keep their wellbeing ahead of yours requires. And here's the idea. If both individuals are doing that, you are gonna get there a lot faster. You're gonna get to success faster. You are , you are . I'm thinking your wellbeing and your thinking, my wellbeing, we're gonna get to where we're going a lot faster. Doesn't mean it'll be easy. It, it just means that I'm putting you at the forefront. And so if we're doing that, I got your back. You got my back, I got five on it, I got 20 on it, you got 37 on it, we got something on it so that we can get where we're trying to go. And it's, it's the husband taking his pregnant wife to the beach at one in the morning when she's like eight, nine months pregnant, digging a hole in the sand, putting a blanket down because she misses laying on her stomach. It's that Right,

Andre: 12:49

Right, right,

Anitra: 12:50

Right. Mm-hmm . So that she can just lay on that blanket, get her belly down in there and just say, this feels so good. 'cause I haven't been able to do it for months. And yes, it's one o'clock in the morning, but he cares enough about my wellbeing. It's the wife pulling out the icy hot and the, the , the wraps and all the <laugh> , all the things you need to make your 50 plus husband who wants to play rugby, you know, feel good because it makes him happy. So he's 55 out there getting beat up, but it brings him joy. So you're out there, brought cheerleading and rooting, and then he comes home and you're icing him down and you're, you're greasing him up and be like, it's good baby. Yeah . That tackle was amazing. Yeah, I know. Y'all lost <laugh> and you're supporting because it's your wellbeing. Now you might feel like you're too old for this, but that's not what it is . So ,

Andre: 13:33

So No, it so that's so funny. Um, go for it . <laugh> . I re I remember , um, there , this is when , uh, Katina and I were still married and, and yes , my boy Tory Woods , shout out to Woods. We were , uh, playing basketball against his nephew. And his nephew is nephew and his best friend. So his nephew and his best friend, they're like, they're both well over six feet tall and they're spry and they can dunk. And there's Tory who's maybe six one and there's me, he's five eight with Nike's on. And we're old. And I remember, but listen, lemme tell you something. We beat them boys in basketball. We beat , beat them boys in basketball. But you, we won, but we lost. 'cause we laid in the back of Tori's truck hurt . And I just remember continue coming out and she was like, she was thinking we were ready to go home, but the way my body worked when I was laying in that bed, in that truck, she was like, I'm gonna tell you what she did. She went inside and brought a pillow and a blanket and laid it on on me and under my head. And I'm telling you, I would've slept in the truck bed all night long. <laugh> . But at some point my body felt better. But to me that's, that's, that's, that's that I , in , that's that investment. 'cause here's what you said earlier, investment. Um, you, the, the reciprocity is not, I think when people think of reciprocity, they think, what am I gonna get? What am I'm gonna give? But it's deeper than that. It's, I'm absolutely investing in you. Yes. Because I see victory and it's not, and , and so, so when we say things like, I brought five, I , I got five on it. Pe when you know, you , you know, you don't understand reciprocity. When I say I got five on it, you focused on the five. Yes . That's good . I didn't hear what I just said. That's good . Didn't hear what I just said. That's good . When I say I got five on it, don't focus on the five. Focus on the I. Mm-hmm . I said Andre's got five on it . Well what does that mean? That's the reliability of I . 'cause I know some folk that'll tell me I got five on it and I'll be like, you ain't finna bring that $5. I can't trust you to bring that. I can't just rely on you. You just talking. 'cause you want the victory, but you don't want to take the struggle that comes with getting the victory, the sacrifice that comes with it. You ain't saying , come on man. Like , so that's what I'm saying. Mm-hmm . It's the investment. But what am I investing? I'm investing me. I got five on it. Yeah . Yeah. I got it on. And so with that , so when we're looking at, well then how do we use reciprocity? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> , then there's this , this kind of core quality. So we're looking at the good side and the bad side. Yep . The good or the selfless side says, at the core of who I am when I say I got five on it is I'm investing in this table, but what am I investing? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> myself. I'm sharing myself. And so you're right. I gotta know that I can trust that when I put myself on the chopping block, when I put myself on the line, when I put myself on the table and I'm revealing to you my thoughts, my feelings, my preferences, my character. That's that honesty you were talking about. Yeah. This is where I'm saying what I'm bringing to the table is vulnerability and it's associated with the relationship that we both need to bring on the table. So when, when , how do I use it? How do I use the good way? How's the , what is the good way, the selfless way that I'm bringing, I'm sharing myself. I've got to, I've got to trust not only that you will receive what I'm sharing, but you'll know that what I'm sharing will bring success because I'm shaped from the successful trust I can place in myself and in others when I decide to share. And my part of the reciprocity. And here's the thing. You , you said this as well and I , and I wanna make sure that people understood. 'cause I didn't want to gloss right over it. You also talked about sharing and making sure that that's a need, <laugh> that needs to be shared because some of us will share of ourselves in a way that's only useful to ourselves. Yeah . <laugh> . But when , but reciprocity is, you gotta share of yourself in a way that's useful to the other person. 'cause there have been some folk that brought stuff to the table and I looked at it , I said, but I ain't asked for that. Like , I ain't asked for all that.

Anitra: 17:50

I don't need it. I

Andre: 17:51

Don't need that. Didn't ask for it . I don't , I don't need that. That's , that's that dude that's like, I got five on it. And that dude's like, well, I got the plug. Well we , I already got the plug. What do you , you bring something else? <laugh> , bring something else to the table. Bring all you , all you bringing , all you bringing is, is not reciprocity, but repetition. We already got that. It's

Anitra: 18:11

Redundancy.

Andre: 18:12

Redundancy. We already got that. Like, bring something we don't have or you just can't be at this table. We'll catch you on you , we'll catch you on the next time. We'll catch you at a different table. And then just make sure you bring what you got early on <laugh> . So that , you know, don't be just No , because that , that's how we have to use it. Because I'm telling you, parasites will come and be like, well I'm bringing this, but we already got that. Well, I just want to tag along then. Nah , that ain't how this works. Yeah . We can't grow. Matter of fact, you're taking and that's all you're doing. Yes . Sweet . So, so the good use of reciprocity is saying, who are you willing to invest yourself in? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . You've gotta be able to trust that success is going to come because you're trusting and relying on what others are bringing. And you're trusting and relying on what you bring. So that's the, the good way of using reciprocity. I'm a , I'm a I'm gonna kick it over to you in terms of what your thoughts are on the good way of, of using or being shaped by reciprocity.

Anitra: 19:19

Absolutely. The selfless ways. And I'm, I'm really co-signing everything. You already set it up and so I'll just hit a few points 'cause you, you nailed it so beautifully. But yeah, awareness, like this notion of giving without being asked to, like, if you can deter, if you know that when I give this and when I share this and when I give of myself, it's, it's not because they ask me to. 'cause a lot of times when we're thinking about, okay, you asked me to do it, so now I'm going to do it, then we try to kind of catalog that. Right. Kind of keep track of it. Well, you asked me to do it, so now I'm doing it. But you asked , but you asked . And I think just being aware , um, that you can give without being asked to, but awareness can't stand alone. It's really what b already said. It's the awareness of I can give without being asked to do it. But then I also am invested in the relationship, which means I, I'm working to understand the needs, the likes, the desires of that person. That way what I'm giving without being asked is not giving something that they don't want, like you just mentioned. And so that awareness and that investment in the relationship, and I did put that point that it is work, investment is work. It's not just, oh, we're friends and I like you, or Oh, we're family and I love you. It's no, I, I am working to understand you, working to understand what you need, what you don't need, what you like, what you don't like, what you need that you don't even know that you need. Right. So then I can give that without you asking. 'cause you didn't even know that you needed it. So it's not, it's just the awareness and the investment in the relationship, which that's often what happens with reciprocity is we don't wanna do the work. Right . We want it to be as simple as Barbara already said, which is just let me calculate this and I'm gonna do this not as an investment in the personal relationship mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And I'm, I'm gonna do this because I'm gonna hold it at some point. You know, I'm gonna keep that and catalog it. And that's why we don't do it. I think in a fair, a fair space, and that's the last thing I would say Yeah. With reciprocity, is that it should be fair, but fair doesn't always mean equal. Right. And so you have to understand that when you're stepping into it, that it's really about the greater good of the, the relationship or the partnership or whatever you're building. And so it's, it's the notion of when one spouse takes on all the work so that the other spouse can go back to school or can finish school. Right? Yeah. Yeah . So it may not seem fair in terms of the grind that I'm working a full-time job and a part-time job, but it's equal because the greater good Right. I should say whether it's fair, whether or not than equal, the greater good is that I know once you get through school, then we're gonna come back and we're gonna push our family to another level. Right? Absolutely. And so I, I understand that. Don't, if you come into that mindset when it comes to the good reciprocity or selfless ways, there are times where you may have to grind out more. Like that example mm-hmm. <affirmative> , I remember , um, my stepson's senior year, we knew because he was finishing high school, a senior in high school, he was finishing high school and he was, he was being looked at and scouted by a bunch of different colleges , uh, to be recruited as a football, a star, an athlete. And we set our youngest down, Malachi down, and basically said to him, we said, son, this year it may seem like we're putting more effort. Yeah . That's it . And energy. That's it . Into Marquis. It may seem like , uh, that he's getting more money, he's getting more time, more resources. Right. But what we need you to understand is he is in a very critical, you know, season in his life mm-hmm. <affirmative> that it requires more mm-hmm . <affirmative> , but that doesn't take away from you. But we as a family have to lock arms. He's gonna need different things in terms of time, transportation. Right . Money to go on things. And so we wanted, you know, Malachi to know, just know that every young person has this season, you're gonna get there at some point. Right. But right now , we need you to be the big little brother. Mm-hmm . And say, okay, if my brother needs more, if there's something that maybe I can't do, or if only mom can come to this 'cause dad has to go here, or vice versa. Right . I understand. It's part of the greater good. And so No, it's, yeah . It may not be equal, but it's just for a season. And I think really effective reciprocity recognizes the season and recognizes what's needed to make sure that's nothing turns into enabling and nothing turns into Right . Right . A space where it can get unhealthy. Uh , because in , in a healthy , uh, healthy environment, reciprocity can be a support system and it should be . Right . It can absolutely . But it has to be healthy. It it's not enabling. Yes , it does. Yes it does . It's not taking it somewhere else, but it's a support system that says, I got five on it when you need it. And if sometimes it's 15, you need it , then I got that. And then other times where you get to get five on it, but it's gonna be based on awareness. Right. That you can give without being asked to investment in those relationships, you do the work. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> do the work to understand the needs, the likes, the desires Yeah . Of the partnership and understand that reciprocity should be fair, but fair is not always equal. It's for the greater good. And I think that's for the , and I'll just say it's work y'all. That's not, that's not , it's not light stepping. That's work, <laugh>.

Andre: 24:10

No, it is. It is. And, and so in , in that, and I love it in that, again, we're, we're talking about , um, not the $5, but the I and the I is the investment. We're talking about who are you in these situations and Yeah. Can you do the work? Can you adapt some days, like you said, it's 15 other days it's five. The key there is the I and, and, and it is ends up being the selfless. But now let's look at the flip side and I'm gonna kick it right back to you. I want to ask you a question right back to you is, well, how , what are some of the bad or the selfish ways that we use reciprocity?

Anitra: 24:48

I kept thinking about that song with , uh, NAS and Genuine , um, owe Me Back. Like, you Owe Your Taxes <laugh>.

Andre: 24:54

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anitra: 24:55

I forget the name of that song. Owe Me Back like 48 . Say what ? You 40 acres to blacks. Right. <laugh> . Yeah . Right. It's , it's when we're keeping score, the negative side of reciprocity is , oh my goodness. Yeah . That quotes you owe me. That's just your mindset. And so while there may be a smile on your face that says, yes, I'm happy to give and to do this, the smile actually comes from this notion of, you're gonna owe me or I'm gonna look for something coming back. And so I think in a simpler, a simpler , uh, label would be transactional. Right. Transactional.

Andre: 25:27

It's that's good.

Anitra: 25:28

It's notion of, yeah. Like I, I, I want, I'm making a requirement to this giving. Okay . I am gonna , I'm gonna track it that says, yes, I'm giving this, but I'll expect it back. And this is what's so cold-blooded about that kind of transactional and , and more selfish reciprocity is sometimes you won't even know that the person is doing that. Right. 'cause they'll , they'll smile in your face. Right , <laugh> . Yeah .

Andre: 25:50

Yeah . They'll make you think

Anitra: 25:51

That , oh yeah, I'm happy to help you and Oh yeah. Mm-hmm . And then it's soon they take ,

Andre: 25:54

They keep

Anitra: 25:54

It account soon as they want something

Andre: 25:56

Soon . You remember when I did this?

Anitra: 25:58

Yeah . As soon as you have something they'll say, oh, I always do for you. Or you remember when they always come back

Andre: 26:05

And then you realize,

Anitra: 26:07

Whoa. Then

Andre: 26:08

They post it on social media, everybody around when you give it. But as soon as you need something, nobody know. You bitter

Anitra: 26:14

Really

Andre: 26:15

Bitter ,

Anitra: 26:15

Bitter Betty , though . I think the core is keeping score, keeping tabs, right? Yeah . The frequent , how frequently they remind you. And that's the , the negative space. And the only thing I wanna add to that, in terms of reciprocity , uh, that's, that's selfish or the bad side of it. The, the selfish and bad side of it also typically has a secrecy to it. Ooh . Um , and what I mean by that is they'll, they'll hold it, especially when it's supposed to be a safe place, because reciprocity has layers to it. Sometimes it does . The five that you're giving me is because I am vulnerable. Right. It's because I am in a situation. Right. And I trust you to help me get out of this situation. Yes . And when someone is going to use that against you in a harmful way, they'll play into the secrecy. They'll play into the , you can tell me, I got you. I'm covering you. Don't trip. And you'll see them as soon as they get a chance, expose it, or they just dangle those secrets over your head mm-hmm . Until they drain you dry. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . And it still comes back to that transactional space. And so it's like my brother said, there even still is a emphasis on the eye. The difference for, for the selfish minded person is that they , the eye is about filling up their coffers. The eye is about, it's not that I'm bringing anything, it's that I want you to remember that I was the one that did it, and that's not We do.

Andre: 27:35

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So for me, and I'm just gonna say one thing to it, it, it's, it's, for me, it's the, the focus isn't on the, I unless it's the way you said it, but the focus really is on the five. Just don't you ever forget what I brought about the fact that I brought myself, but what I brought, I brought this, we couldn't have this if it wasn't for your , wasn't for my $5. And I'd be wanting to say your little old $5 <laugh> . I could've got that from anybody, you know, you know. But, but, but No, but see, it , it's , it absolutely is. It's, it's transactional. That word is so , uh, tantamount to understanding that. Yeah. And , and , but, but look at what it does when you're dealing with selfish people. So, so I you mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you know , you definitely grand eloquently, beautifully put how we can use reciprocity in the, on the bad way, the selfish way mm-hmm. <affirmative> . But look at what it does to the one who's trying to do good. Then you end up putting an edge of selfishness on them. Come on Now , because I've been with , I've been with people who saw me as a transaction, and they put an edge of selfishness on me because then I started saying, I'm not gonna let you take advantage of , of my value. That's good . I'm not gonna let you take advantage of how's good of my giftedness. You just, you're not gonna take for granted my how I'm gifted. And so it put a little selfishness on me because people will absolutely use you for success. So I moved from, I got five on it, and I moved two Reverend, Snoop, doggy , do everybody got they cup, but ain't nobody chipped in <laugh> .

Anitra: 29:07

Right.

Andre: 29:09

But that , and that's a right. So , so that becomes a, like, that's not the way I wanna live. I don't want to live where I'm saying, you know, I'm blessed with this, but because you didn't chip in, I'm not giving you mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I wanna live with everybody saying, Hey, I, I got something in on this. And , and so really then, does that not get us to this point where, when it comes to the relationship reciprocity, where now we're having to find a balance between selflessness and selfishness? Yes . So now we're, we're , we're, now we've learned relationships of reciprocity that we need a little bit of both. And I'm not saying that's the way it's supposed to be, but that's how we end up living. Yeah. Because Ed , because my personal balance should be, you know, ends up being based on how I feel about the relationship and the other aspects of what makes this relationship social. Uh, because at the, and I , oh man, I read this quote, and so I'm mm-hmm . <affirmative> , and I'm gonna quote it here. Um, it said, work is about a search for daily meaning as well as daily bread. Now think about that for a second. That's good. That's where we're, that's where we are in our reciprocity relationships. It's about, do I mean enough, I have enough value, but at the same time, are you going to help me eat at the same time? And so, so where , where , you know, what we want ideally is just simply to be able to say, I'm going to bring what, mean , what's valuable. You're gonna bring, what's valuable we going to eat. But now I've gotten to the point where I'm saying, if I'm going to invest, I gotta worry about my value, but I also gotta worry about my ability to eat. I shouldn't have to worry about both in my work. Yeah . Um, and, and that's when you know, you're in a, you may be in a difficult , uh, relationship that's not as reciprocal as as you need it to be. Um , and , and so we're looking at, now we're looking at what are we dealing with when we're talking about givers and takers? And , and what I'm realizing is givers seek out ways to be helpful and give to others. Whereas takers focus on getting as much as possible from others. So now it begs the question, is there ever a point, and I'll kick this to you, Nikki , is there ever a point mm-hmm . <affirmative> where you need to stop giving?

Anitra: 31:27

Yeah. That's so good. And yes, when it's, when you're giving is becoming enabling when the , the , there's no growth in the giving. And it should be, you know, growth for you , uh, as well as growth for the other person. Because we already established reciprocity builds trust. Right. Which means

Andre: 31:45

It does. It

Anitra: 31:45

Does. There's giving here and then there's giving there, there's receiving here, there's receiving there. And when it's healthy, it should just, you know, continue. But if you have to stop and ask yourself, do you believe that this other person is inclined to contribute? And if, you know in your heart of hearts they are not inclined to contribute, and I didn't say what, but contributes something that promotes the growth, something that promotes the growth of the relationship. If, you know, and this is how , how do you know their track record? It's year 12, right ?

Andre: 32:14

Right. That's it, that's

Anitra: 32:15

It. It's year 12. Right . So are they anything, is they , are they contributing in any way ? Right . <laugh> ,

Andre: 32:21

Like , like a list I've been giving, I've been giving the entire

Anitra: 32:24

Time bullet point . Right . And if, you know, and that's a hard lesson and truth sometimes to face, but if, you know, it is they're not giving, they have not proven to be giving, and you know, after so much time they're not inclined to contribute, then absolutely. You, you know, it's a good indication , dication , that you should stop giving or at least make some sort of modification. And then, this is the other thing I'll say too, because I think this is important for those of us on the giving side of this. Um, in particular, you know, reciprocity, as Broer already mentioned, it cannot be an obligation. Right. It cannot be an obligation. It can't . But you can sometimes have the ability, and this is a blessing that God can give you to give infinitely, some of us are blessed mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative> , and so mm-hmm . <affirmative> , it doesn't , the the giving never like it , it won't stop. You can have family members, friends that can ask you for things, and you're able to just give it, and it will never impact you negatively in terms of your resources. Mm-hmm .

Andre: 33:19

<affirmative> mm-hmm.

Anitra: 33:19

<affirmative> . But Right . Has it become an obligation, and let me help some of y'all, has it become an obligation that you'll still smile at them, and then you don't even blink at giving them the money or giving them this, but then you call all your other friends and be like, they did it again. Well, now you making an obligation for your friends, for your complaining. Right.

Andre: 33:37

Right,

Anitra: 33:37

Right . So it's , it's now taxing you emotionally. It's now taxing you mentally. Do you have that emotional space to give up? Do you have that mental space to give up even though maybe your pockets are fat, even though maybe you , you have an extra car that they can borrow, even though maybe , maybe whatever the resource is, it's limitless or you have space to give it, if it's turned into an obligation, it still impacts you. And that's not reciprocity. It's never obligatory.

Andre: 34:03

It's not. It's not. It's not.

Anitra: 34:04

And so if you've gotten so casual with that, that you've forgotten that piece of it, then you're, you're probably spending some juice in a different area. Yeah. You can keep giving them the money. Absolutely. But you're complaining to your spouse. You're complaining to your best friend. I can complain to my brother about stuff, and pretty soon he'll be like, you ain't tired yet.

Andre: 34:20

Right. <laugh>.

Anitra: 34:22

Right . Right. And that's all he says. And that makes me go back and says, I need to get , so then I don't talk about it anymore. 'cause what he's saying is, you've turned whatever you're doing into an obligation, and now you're, you're bending my ear when you clearly know they're not inclined to contribute. So let it go. You ain't tired yet, okay. Until you get tired, <laugh>. Right .

Andre: 34:40

See, and you're , you're , you're speaking to where our giving , uh, turns wrong, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And, and , and , and there are two things you're saying , uh, is my resources. And there's, and you know, God's giving you resources, man, God bless you. But when you're giving of your resources, turns resentful, something has happened. Come on . And , and , and here's where giving is wrong. Giving is a virtue. Right. That's why I said, God's bless you to give. It's a virtue. That's good . The reason why we turn resentful, because giving our virtue is our virtue is no longer being protected. That's good . Right ? My ,

Anitra: 35:18

My , my , my , my .

Andre: 35:19

Yeah . When you're in the right relationship with someone, they'll protect your resourcefulness. So it doesn't turn resentful. That's good . They'll protect. That's because they see it as a virtue. So they'll protect your virtuosity, your generosity, your energy. When they're no longer protected in their efforts, you become resentful. And if you're in a relationship where you are resentful, chances are you're not being protected in what you are giving. Your virtue isn't being protected. So that moves into the next question. That's good . Yeah . When do you need to ask for more? When do you need to turn to the one you're in a relationship with and say, Hey, you <laugh> , you gotta give more. Uh, for you, Nikki , when does that happen?

Anitra: 36:00

It goes back to that awareness. And you just said it, when, when I realize I'm not being protected, my virtue isn't being protected. I'm, I'm carrying the weight on my own, and I'm wise enough to know that I need help. Because for some of us, you're not even self-aware enough to know, yes,

Andre: 36:15

Yes.

Anitra: 36:16

That I need help here. So then you are leaving the person, you're giving them a pass because you haven't stopped to say, wait a minute, I am caring more than I should be caring . I'm aware that I'm caring more than I should be carrying . And I need to speak up about the fact that I need some, some contribution. I need some reciprocity here. And so it really, you have to start to question is, you know, is in the relationship, is there empathy? Is there support mm-hmm . <affirmative> or is that waiver ?

Andre: 36:39

Is there compassion?

Anitra: 36:40

And is there compassion? And if those things are wavering, 'cause sometimes it can start that way and then waver . So if you see it starting to waver , that's where you say, Hey, I need a little more here. Yes. We started there because sometimes when you ask a person to, you know , to reciprocate or to give more, and they have been giving in different, you know, in , in earlier uh , instances, they may say, well, what , what are you talking about? You acting like I don't give? Right. And it's not a , it's not a , an attack on what's happening in the past. What you're saying is, in this moment, in this circumstances where we are right now, I need a little more. And that's why relat the relationship has to be healthy at the base of it. Because again, it's not absolutely equal. And so if that, you know, that compassion, if the understanding awareness is not there, if you don't trust that even in maybe this moment it's gotten weaker, but it's gonna get better, you have to speak up because you, you, you know, you can't just give up all your virtue unprotected because it's gonna take you out. It's gonna cost you in other areas of your life. So you gotta speak to it. But what about you, bro ? Bro ? Yeah,

Andre: 37:39

Yeah. No, you, you actually said it perfectly. Um, I, you absolutely said it perfectly. I, I, I think there are times where I've been in great relationships where I've been able to say , um, you know, I can't give as much as I need to here. I need you to step up for me here because true . Here's where I can give more. So, so, so reciprocity is also sacrificial. And we have to learn. So, so you have to know when you need to step up more and do more, and where you need to ask. But it's sacrificial. There, there are so many lessons that we learn , learn in being able to invest in a relationship sacrificially that that helps with the relationship of reciprocity. It helps both parties grow in the relationship and grow towards whatever it is. Whatever your goal is, whatever your hashtag couple goal is, we gotta give sacrificially in order to do it. And , and when we do that, there's really this kind of estimation of who we are. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> in , in a social relationship and who we, what we bring to the table. So it's gonna go back to, you know, investment. And, and that's also contextual. So every single table isn't the same. So it might not be money this time, it may be emotional support this time, but give it, yeah , yeah . And give it sacrificially. 'cause both of y'all are gonna win in the end. I can't tell you how many times in a relationship where I'm listening and I'm not listening to give knowledge or wisdom, I'm listening because that's what I give. And, and , and yeah . And , and then that, and that moment, this person needs to pour out or they're going to implode. So I give, yeah. I give by listening. So, so don't, don't, again, don't focus on the five, focus on the I What do you got that you're investing? What do they have that they're investing? Sacrificing is a let's get through what we need now because there's a future focus in this investment that's gonna be a , a blessing , uh, to both of us. And so, yeah . So , uh, you know, just before we go into the transformational perspective, you know mm-hmm . <affirmative> , are there times where you have to honor the reciprocity even when it's hard? Are there times where you have to make sure you're giving even when you don't necessarily want to give, you know, what does that social behavior look like? Or, or, or just, and , and , and let me say this before I kick it to you . Mm-hmm . This might be that part <laugh> in the episode where there's, you know, we're gonna get some comments, some , some emails saying, yeah, I ended this relationship. 'cause I realized that, you know, I , they weren't giving, I realized that I needed to end this. Like, I'm not , look , I'm, listen, I'm all listen, I realize marriages might end because of this. Friendships might end because of this. Partnerships may end because of this. And you know what I'm gonna say God knew. And so I ain't gonna put the blame on myself. God knew, but, but are there times where you wanna give up, but you need to honor the reciprocity and the relationship even when it's hard? I , I'll kick that to you

Anitra: 40:39

And Dan , this was, was a tricky one when I was trying to unpack this. Um, and so I came up with three things that I think that are important because like you already mentioned, it's sacrificial. And a lot of times when we have to honor even as hard, it's gonna be sacrificial. Uh, but the one that I think benefits everybody no matter what, and this is really more of an example of , uh, an of when you should honor or when, when make taking this step is a space for , uh, reciprocity, but it's honored even though it's hard, it's really forgiveness. Um, I was really thinking about, you know, when it comes to forgiveness, it , forgiveness doesn't require both parties to participate <laugh>, but it opens the door for so much more to that can impact all the parties involved. Yeah . And so when I was thinking about this, you know, whether the person I'm choosing to forgive participates or not, it still opens the door one for me to have healing and wholeness, but as a result of that, that's good. Then anybody that was, you know, is directly related or indirectly related to it, they get to see that healing and that wholeness in place, and it gives space for that person then to fess up for their faults or to see that there's a way to get past it after they do apologize or whatever the case may be. But forgiveness is such a great example of how you have to individually choose , uh, to let something mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> go , that probably hurt you and came from a really awful space, but in doing so, you actually are opening up the space for reciprocity. And that does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that you need to forgive someone Yeah . And invite them back into your life. That does not mean that what they're, what they've done is okay. It's, you know, it's not per se. Right. Right. What it does mean is that in honoring this space of forgiveness, I'm demonstrating maybe to my family, to my children, to my friends. I'm opening the space for God to come and heal and wholeness. And I am 100% opening up space for the future. Because when we harbor unforgiveness, then future relationships, future business partnerships, future friendships, all of those can be thwarted and blocked if you don't let the , you know, if you don't forgive and let it go. Because just like bro road , right ? That's where you get that taker mindset, right? I've been burnt in business before, right ? So now I'm gonna be aggressive in business. I've been burnt , um, in relationships before, so now I'm gonna just burn people. Right? And so forgiveness is a space of reciprocity that when you open it up, you literally open up not only your own healing and wholeness, but so many other things for your future. That's so good. And for the person that's also , that's so good . Also connected to it. And I'm only speaking what I've had to work through <laugh>, right? Yeah, yeah. But the people, you've heard this analogy that forgi unforgiveness is like swallowing poison, right? And then you are just killing yourself. You're keeping it in, and you are the only one that suffers from it. So that was one example. I'll give two others and I'll , I'll kick it back to you. But , um, you know, honor reciprocity , uh, when it stops unhealthy cycles or patterns in your life, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, if honoring this means I'm gonna stop some unhealthy cycles or patterns, then I have to go through how tough it is. So if giving is creating unhealthy lifestyle or draining your life, then you need to stop giving, right? You need to break that down, right? If, if helping my family , um, in a way that's tough, but I know, you know, it's going to change the way they behave, it's going to change , uh, the way that they walk through life, then I need to give in that way. Uh , the example that I have is, I remember when my brother and I , um, well actually when Andre was telling mom that you needed a new start in Florida, and so she was, yeah . She was sharing this story with me that at that point in your life, you, I think you had gotten through high school and now you were maybe in your first or second year or maybe first year in a community college, but just a lot of mm-hmm . <affirmative> life circumstances had hit you. And I , it's not my story to share that. So, you know, I'll let you share that another time. But what happened is now you had gotten to the space where Wichita had just too many bad memories for you. Yeah, absolutely . And that's where you were in life. It just had too many , that's where I was , many bad memories. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> everywhere that you looked , uh, you felt like you needed to , you needed a change. Well, for our mom, you were her firstborn and now you're asking her, Hey, I need a fresh start in Florida. I need to not only move, but I need to move across the country to a whole different state. Right? Right . You're her first born , you're her first child. She doesn't have the resources at that moment to just make it all. Okay. And, you know, make sure that she could buy you a place and take care of it. And she was stressed and worried . So she calls our grandmother and our grandmother, who we've talked about the fact, I remember this episodes that our grandmother has , um, you know, she had two children that died. So my mom was the only one of her children that survived for, I think I've talked about another episodes, but, you know, very difficult, different and difficult , uh, mindset about how you protect your children. So she is saying to our mom, absolutely not. You do not let him move across country . I remember the country, I remember that. You do not let him do that. You don't, you can't be there to help him. You can't be there to protect him. That is a bad decision. And that comes from her truth, right. Of, you know, when we watch your kids die in her arms. But what mom knew about honoring reciprocity, even when it's hard, is that my son is now number one venturing into manhood. Yes. So while I'm, you know, a parent, we talked about this, now I'm moving into coaching and advisement. Right? Two, she understood what you needed was a fresh start. That's it. And you had selected that particular state. So as much as it broke her heart, as much as it terrified her, as much as it was overwhelming for her, as much as she didn't even have enough money to put in your pocket to send you off, what she said was doing this is going to stop an unhealthy cycle or pattern in his life. Yeah . And the greater good for my son and our family is to let him go. Right. Right. And I don't wanna honor it, but I know that if I give this, if I sow this into him, it will reap a harvest. Yeah . And now, years later, his younger sister went to Florida and had one of the best times of her life. He gets his degrees there, both his degrees there. No, two of two of the three. Right. Two of the , two of the two of four. So much was birthed out of two of the four. There we go. So much was birthed out of her honoring a space that she understood this is the way that I can give. Yeah . This is the way and it hurts. Yeah . And I don't wanna do it and I don't wanna send it out. And so that's the thing is sometimes it is tough. Sometimes you're doing something to break a cycle that's unhealthy, to break a pattern, to create a new pattern that's healthy. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And you gotta stand flatfooted and do it. And the last one I'll say is, you know, give and honor reciprocity when it helps you to maintain a clear sense of self . Yeah . Period. That's it. Period. I love it. Absolutely love it . You know who you are and if you need to honor this space , then you do it. I am naturally you do it . And my brother may not agree, but 99% of the world agrees that I'm naturally a kind person.

Andre: 47:33

Yeah . That's

Anitra: 47:34

Not true. And I'm kind <laugh> . It's so true. Don't listen to him. <laugh> . And it , I'm kind often when it hurts. Right. But I remember talking to my brother and saying, Ooh , bro, bro, I feel like putting hands dah , dah , dah . Like , I had situations that made me frustrated. And he always would say, don't you ever let anybody pull you out of your

Andre: 47:51

Character. That's it. I don't care what it is . I don't care what it is. That's it.

Anitra: 47:54

I don't care what it is. Now, does that mean I get bullied or pushed over? No, he's not saying that. What he's saying is there's a way to honor your authentic, clear sense of self, but keeping who you are while you need to do what you need to do. Yeah. And so if whatever you're dealing with doesn't maintain who you are, then that's not a situation to honor it. But if honoring this, make sure that you know who you are and you can maintain that. And it's tough to do it. You do it. And there are times where I continue to be kind even when it hurts. But I understand. I need to let them know that they're not going to, I'll say it this way, then I'll hush. You are not going to pull me into your chaos. I'm gonna pull you into my place .

Andre: 48:37

There you go. There you go. So I'm a , I'm gonna run through the , uh, transformation perspective, counterpoint from bottom line and we'll get to these quick shots. But um, there , there's, there's honoring and , uh, and it's for the , the reason you just so beautifully put and really honoring even when it's hard, it's really more about, you said you were going to bring this to the table, you said, you know, and, and even when it's hard and it will be hard at times, you still gotta honor that. So I agree with everything you said, but then there are times, and so we're gonna get in this transformational perspective and here's this counterpoint, then there are times where not giving is actually honoring and therefore gaining uh mm-hmm <affirmative> for you when you, when you don't give. And, and , and I, I remember , um, going back to something you said, reason why I had to, one of the reasons why I needed a fresh start out of Kansas. I remember one time I was in high school and I was , uh, hanging with some guys from the neighborhood, a rock borough neighborhood. And they were in , and they were gang, they were in a particular gang. And I, because I played sports with them, I knew them. There was this level of affiliation with them. And I remember one time they were gonna go to, they were literally going to fight another gang. And I happened to be with them. And so the question was, one of 'em asked Dre , you coming ? And I remember getting on and riding with them and we were, this is so funny 'cause this is back in the day, you know, we were, bro , we ain't had no cars. We were literally on the city bus on our way going to a gang fight. And I'm dead serious. And, and, but here's the thing. I knew what I was gonna bring to the table was what I knew about fighting. I knew I was heading into a situation where I wasn't a part of the gang, but they were friends. So there was an affiliation. So in other words, hear me . Well, I wasn't a part of the table, but I still wanted to take a seat at the table because I knew what I could bring to the table. And I just remember all of them got off. And just before I was getting ready to get off, one of them pushed me back on the door closed and the bus drove off. And, and when I asked about that later, I remember that person saying to me, this wasn't for you. You've got bigger and better things going on. This wasn't for you. You didn't belong here. You're going to college. And I'm saying this, trying to hold back a tear . The people I rode the bus with, none of them are alive today. None of them. I'm the only one that's alive that rode that bus there. And so there are definitely times where not giving to a table, 'cause you don't belong in that table, actually gains more for you. And so you gotta know not just who to invite to the table, but what tables don't belong to you. 'cause you're going there to die. You're not going there to grow. And you gotta be able to say that, no , I know I can bring some stuff to the table, but this ain't my table. This ain't my table. And so that, that's that counterpoint to everything we're saying as well. Not only do you need to know who to bring to the table, what to bring to the table, what to invest in, how to invest, but you also need to know when you don't need to be at that particular table. Because the bottom line here is that while we should always have a heart to give, then give your best. Even when it's hard. We also need to know when and where to give because we need to know that we'll grow in our giving. But some tables aren't meant for you to give and some people aren't meant for you to give. 'cause you don't grow in when there's just taking, you don't grow. Yeah . Just because you sat down at the table, you grow because there's the relationship of reciprocity. You grow in it because you sat down at the right table with the right people, the right motive and the right relationship. So that's, that's kind of like our bottom line here , uh, as well. Excellent. Uh , in this particular episode. Excellent.

Anitra: 52:52

All right , well let's jump right into the quick shot.

Andre: 52:57

Yeah, the quick shot . So, so, so for this one , uh, I actually did not, Nikki , you actually saw this one. But Ben , it tickled me when you sent it to me, <laugh> . And we're, we're talking about the right table, the right time, giving to the right relationship. And it was this Instagram reel that you sent to me, <laugh> , where this, this, this father comes to his kid and is like, let me hold $2 un until tomorrow and I I'll get you back tomorrow. And I love the kid. It is like, nah , this ain't my table. I'm not fitting to give on it . 'cause the kid responds saying, well then let's just wait till tomorrow. <laugh> , like, whatever it needs you want, let's just wait till tomorrow. Like if you <laugh> , listen , listen . If you, if you can get it back to me tomorrow, then whatever it is that this table is, it can wait .

Anitra: 53:43

Just wait , wait tomorrow ,

Andre: 53:44

<laugh> , it can wait till tomorrow. Then I ain't got to give you $2 and you'll be alright . Right ? And so I , I love that. Know the table. Know your table. Know when to sit at the table, know when to bring what you got to the table. Some tables can actually wait till tomorrow. Uh , and , and it won't cost you so much anything . So that's, that's my quick shot for this one. I love that one. I died laughing when I saw that one.

Anitra: 54:12

He was so cute. That little boy. So, okay, so for me, and I was thinking about the quick shot . So I just wanna throw out a couple of quick examples that I'll call gentle ways to remind people or get people to reciprocate <laugh> . Right? Okay.

Andre: 54:25

Okay .

Anitra: 54:25

And I'm using air quotes on the gentle <laugh>. So, okay . I'm gonna give you an example of a way that you can remind or encourage someone to reciprocate. And you let me know if you think it's a , it's a viable strategy.

Andre: 54:38

Okay?

Anitra: 54:39

All here's the first one. You can text them cute animal pictures with a reminder text. It's your turn to wash the dishes.

Andre: 54:49

That's not no.

Anitra: 54:51

So like a kit that's not dog , like a kitten or like a , uh, like a , a little teddy bear or something.

Andre: 54:59

No, I'm taking you the picture soften of the dishes. And you here , you hear now you hear now

Anitra: 55:05

You're not gonna use the soft like , you know, kitten or nah , cud me something.

Andre: 55:09

Say forget . No , that, that doesn't need a gentle reminder. No . That's a you here right now, straight away here . Too forth with ,

Anitra: 55:19

All right , here's another one. Convenient people have actually done this one. Conveniently leave your wallet at home at the next hangout because you paid the last time.

Andre: 55:27

Oh, you listen, I do that <laugh> , I do that. I do , I do that. But because I have my phone with me and I have Apple pay, I , I , there we go . I , I do that. You gotta , but I , but listen, listen, I just, just because I ain't been , I I'm too old to be dining and dashing, but I absolutely will leave my wallet home, be like, you know, I , I forgot my wallet. You got it though, this time, right? <laugh> . And just in case though, I , I'll do Apple pay just in case. But no, I'm with that one. I'm absolutely with that one .

Anitra: 55:54

<laugh> . All right , here's another one. Throw them subtle hints every time you're around them. You know, I just love the relationship of the father and the daughter on Yellowstone. You see how much he just does things for her .

Andre: 56:08

<laugh>? Yeah , that's it . My , yeah . Yes, but my hints are coming from Scarface godfather. My <laugh> . Listen. Nah , because some people don't understand subtleties. Like it's

Anitra: 56:21

Be direct .

Andre: 56:21

Some people don't under , yeah . So Paul , you just , you just got by . Didn't you, didn't you love the way Hitler handled that situation? <laugh> ? Didn't you love the way Joseph Stalin No. Handled that situation. <laugh> . I gotta let you know , I I know you gonna have

Anitra: 56:37

Them on the history channel watching all the wars atrocities, right ?

Andre: 56:42

Listen, I need their neck to start twitching when I throw a hint. So they'd be like, you know what? I , I I owe you something. I better get up

Anitra: 56:48

And do that. <laugh> . All right ? Um, you overindulge in the items or the things that they like as a hint. So they say, oh, I really wanted to eat some of those potato chips. And you go mm-hmm. <affirmative> , <laugh> , right ? So did I <laugh> ?

Andre: 57:04

Yes, yes. I'm absolutely using that one .

Anitra: 57:06

You gonna drink all their alcohol, eat all their

Andre: 57:08

I , no, I ain't gonna drink at all. I'm gonna leave a swallow left, right ? I'm gonna leave a swallow <laugh> . That's a , I'm gonna leave a corn . See how that feels?

Anitra: 57:15

That's what I'm see that feels when you don't think about anybody else, you see how that feels, right ? <laugh> ?

Andre: 57:20

That's what I'm leaving . I love it .

Anitra: 57:22

Um , let's do maybe one more here. 'cause we gotta round this out. Um , okay, how about this , uh, <laugh> , ask a person who owes you money if you can borrow some money from them.

Andre: 57:32

Yes. And then ask them for the exact amount that they owe you. I'm like, can I borrow $28 and 13 cents? Why is that? Think about it. Right ?

Anitra: 57:42

Think about it , <laugh> , after you cash at me.

Andre: 57:46

Think about it. <laugh> .

Anitra: 57:48

Oh God,

Andre: 57:49

Absolutely.

Anitra: 57:49

I like to the penny. I like it. Okay. And we , okay, one more. Get a friend or a family member to ask them to reciprocate on your behalf. Andre would really like it if

Andre: 58:01

<laugh> <laugh> . Nope . Nope . Because I don't need you sending a message back through my friend to family because then I'm be mad at them. <laugh> . I like I told you not to leave without my money. See , I'll turn a friend and a family member to a hitman <laugh> . I'll turn into a hitman in a second. And listen, when you ask them , they'll give it to you. Take out the left knee cap <laugh> , take out the left knee cap .

Anitra: 58:24

<laugh> . I love it .

Andre: 58:26

I'm telling you, <laugh> ,

Anitra: 58:28

I think my strategy is a sticky note. I just put sticky notes all over the house.

Andre: 58:33

No , tied because I , because I will lie. I didn't see that sticky note, right ? <laugh> ,

Anitra: 58:38

There'd be 27 of them . You see none of those. I ain't see

Andre: 58:41

That . Like I ain't see that sticky note. Nope . I'm telling you now me pay me my money. $2 to pay me my money.

Anitra: 58:51

I love it. All right, bro . Bro , what do you have for the final blow?

Andre: 58:56

So, you know, the biggest thing I want, you know, everyone to gather from this, you know, this conversation is the, the value that when you bring to the table, when someone else brings to the table , we all going , we all going to go higher in our value. And , and , and how do you safeguard the relationship? 'cause that's the biggest thing. You , you gotta invest in somebody. You gotta invest in something. And that's how you see kind of return on investment. And, and , and that's the biggest thing right there. What do you give so that everybody gets more and, and making sure that that who you come to the table with , they give , uh, as well. Um, there's, there's, and there's actually a theological premise to this. There's a , there's a verse I love that hopefully kind of shares that message. It , it's second Corinthians eight and 14. It says, at this present time, your abundance being a supply for their need, so that their abundance also may become a supply for your need. That there may be growth and equality for everybody's need . You give to those who willing to give back. And everybody gets blessed in the end, but you can't hold back your abundance and they can't hold back their abundance. And , and when my abundance comes to your abundance, we all get a double portion of abundance in the end. So always rock with people that understand the relationship of reciprocity. Always connect with people that understand the, the, you know, the growth that comes when everybody gives what they're gifted in doing. Stop rocking with people that don't bring anything to the table. Stop going to tables you weren't supposed to be at and stop going to a table not knowing what it is that you specifically give. Always make sure you understand the table, understand your gifts, and understand the relationship of those coming to the table with you. That, and that is my final blow .

Anitra: 1:00:56

Fantastic. Fantastic. All right , well we're gonna round out this episode. As always, thank you so much for joining us. Please help us build the Savage siblings community, like share, comment, leave a review, subscribe, send this to your favorite Savage siblings so we can build this up. And perhaps you have an example of a healthy or unhealthy <laugh> example of reciprocity, or you wanna talk about who should and shouldn't come to the table. We want to hear about that as well. So please share that with us. Huge shout out to our amazing team of people who make this all possible. Dwayne McClendon, Kyle Davis, our sound editors, Ronnie Maxwell of Maxwell Music, our music producer, max

Andre: 1:01:35

Maxwell Music.

Anitra: 1:01:37

Keith Cross of Kross Photography, the Amazing Photos. And we're speaking into legendary cross the merchandising. And of course our parents absolutely for their D n A . All the funny life lessons and stories that we're able to share. The

Andre: 1:01:49

Parentals.

Anitra: 1:01:50

And last, and certainly not least, least you, the listeners. We are so glad that you're here and we will see you next time. Please remember, don't go through life alone. Take care.

Andre: 1:02:00

Peace, love y'all.