Get In Where You Fit In ~ Part Two

Welcome to part two of Get in Where You Fit In.   This episode emphasizes the importance of enjoying who you are and what you’re doing to be your authentic self.  Andre and Anitra evaluate examples of unique people who refuse to conform to the norm, but have the confidence to embrace their individuality. This episode analyzes the need to be appreciated in our partnerships and relationships and how that appreciation can lead to positive self-awareness and personal identity. Dre unpacks how the position of the older sibling has inherent expectations that limit choice and can create frustration and Anitra speaks from the perspective of the younger sibling and the difference between “have to” versus “get to.”  

If you wonder why you didn’t feel like you belonged to your family, you will relate to this episode.  If you wondered how your family felt overwhelmed with family expectations, take a listen.  The Savage Siblings reflect on the difference between being needed and belonging to the family. Understanding these dynamics creates safe strategies to meet the needs of your family and partners in a healthy way.  This episode gives the listeners an opportunity to evaluate their relational value, which should create a healthy situation where you belong.

Memorable quotes:
Don’t dilute your relational value by morphing everywhere you go. ~ Andre
Understand who you are, but be flexible to protect your independence and help others when necessary. ~ Anitra
Don’t show vulnerability trying to protect your independence. ~ Anitra
Give the gift of vulnerability, and don’t let pride keep you from achieving your authentic self. ~ Anitra
You can kill a relationship by being extreme on either need or independence. ~ Anitra
Being needy has an expiration date, don’t set yourself up for failure. ~ Anitra
Grow when you are in a situation where you belong. ~ Andre
Belonging is intentional, needing is temporal. ~ Andre
You don’t find success, drive, passion alone. ~ Andre
Belonging means the picture is bigger than me. ~ Andre

Keywords: 

#MentalHealth, #therapy,  #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling,  #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast, #Mytribe, #Beingauthentic, #Belongingvsneeding, #GetIn, #FitIn, #SeekingtoBelong, #Transitiontoindependence, #Passingonthemantle, #RelationalValue, #Diversesyndrome, #SelfAwareness, #Beyourself, #IntentionalBelonging,

Call to Action: 

• Post comments! Leave us a review!
• Share your thoughts on the need to be needed versus the belonging.  What’s it like to be the middle child?
• Any topics you want us to discuss?

Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography

Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.

Transcript

Anitra: 0:30

Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am Anitra n Lawson storyteller, producer, educator, content creator. He's Dr. Andre Evans, pastor, father theologian, author, the original Savage Sibling <laugh> . We are the Savage Siblings , and this is the Savage Siblings Podcast, where we are brutally honest , relentlessly transparent, and unapologetic authentic. So glad you guys are rocking with us for another episode. Hey, welcome back. Right? Welcome back to part two of Get In Where You Fit In. Now, we've been unpacking the importance of understanding and actually walking in our authentic self, the catalyst for understanding that process is often connected to evaluating the need to be needed. Now, you guys know, as human beings, there's a part of us that naturally would , we wanna feel needed, it's just kind of germane to who we are as human beings. And so this is what we've been dissecting in part one of getting where you fit in. There's also a difference between the need to be needed and belonging. And so we delve into that as well. So this is part two. So you know what that means. If you didn't listen to part one, you gotta pause right here. Go back and listen to part one so you can catch up on the importance of enjoying who you are and what you're doing to be your authentic self. We talk about individuality and how you can filter that through understanding when you belong and when you just wanna be needed. So we laid a lot of foundation, you guys in part one. You gotta go back and listen, but if you are all cut up and you're ready for part two of getting where you fit in , then let's do that. Let's go ahead and get in where we fit in . Are you guys ready to get savage? Okay, good. Let's get savage .

Andre: 2:25

It seems so , so for me, because

Anitra: 2:27

I am

Andre: 2:28

Probably more independent than you're at least minded Sure . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , um, for me, I had a different verses that I had to balance, and my, my verse was hundred percent psychological. Yeah . So for me, it , it was , um, there's a term we used in psychology called a , uh, the , the , the root word . Be an agent. Like I'm ,

Anitra: 2:50

I'm

Andre: 2:50

An agent of my own success. I'm an agent of my own kind of world construct. So , so one is age , so I'm very self-focused. So the processes I enter into are, are about this kind of successful competition with myself or this good , yeah . This kind of unspoken competition with others so that I can kind of demonstrate my own effectiveness in life. That's , that's me . Mm-hmm . Learning myself, and I'm learning myself. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> learning , uh, my own beauty, so that I can understand to, I can understand when I see a place where I fit in, I see a place mm-hmm . <affirmative> where I belong. Mm-hmm . And because what I'm trying to avoid when I'm mag agentic like that is I'm trying to avoid being needed . So me being an introvert, a recluse, me growing up, learning rejection before I learn acceptance and learn how to belong, I'm coming from the opposite end psychologically, where I'm saying I don't want anybody to need me. I , I had enough of that growing up being needed. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Um , so now I'm setting up my life. I'm an agent of my own success and effectiveness. So I'm, I'm competitive. If I'm competitive, then what I'm showing you is , is you can't need me. You trying to beat me . I'm trying to beat you . So I'm , I'm setting up . And it's , you know , it's not a , uh, unruly, it's what I would consider , consider a healthy competitiveness. So it's, yeah . Mm-hmm . It's like, you know, the, the, the, you know, every time Kobe stepped on the court, he was trying to kill you , but after the game, he was hugging you , he was dapping you up. Mm-hmm . He was showing you nothing but love . And and that's because it was a healthy competitiveness, right? Yeah . So, so for me, it was a self-reliance achievement day after day, milestone after milestone. However, I don't understand belonging unless I do both sides. So here's my, here's my verse . One is agentic , where I'm just focused on myself. The other is communal. Yeah . And so, the other being communal mean is that I'm other focused . And so now I , I recognize that if I'm gonna understand a sense of belonging mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I have to recognize others have needs that I gotta be able to meet . So that's good . I'm , I'm including my capacity to give now my capacity to nurture my capacity to love. I'm including my capacity to be self-sacrificing and to be compassionate . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , if I can't do both , I'll never belong. I don't care. I I'll , and what'll happen is, is I'll go to spaces where I'm needed, but I don't belong. Yeah . That's good. That's good. Yeah . So I , I , I have to balance both. 'cause I don't wanna put myself in a situation where I'm saying , yeah, I'm a recluse. I'm is , I'm an introvert, but even introverts say, but can somebody talk to me? A hundred percent You need it . Yeah . Mm-hmm . So , so , so if I'm , if I don't learn how to balance my verses psychologically, if you don't learn how to balance your particular verses , right ? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , <affirmative> , we're never gonna get a sense of belonging because people are gonna see one of two sides. They're , they're gonna see the one side where you're all about self. Yeah . And, and whether for my case, it's, I give this standoffish , uh, vibe or in , and , and what you described , you give this, I don't really wanna show you my life. I don't wanna share with you my life. Yeah . Yeah . Then people will say, okay, well cool, since you are , are giving this vibe that you're pushing us away.

Speaker 3: 6:22

Yes, yes.

Andre: 6:23

Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , then be by yourself. But , but , but in that, but admit , but in that situation, we, the ones who were ashamed , or the ones who were standoffish, we're the ones that feel depressed. We're the ones that feel anxiety. It hurts us. We're the ones that feel hurt. And it's because you didn't balance the two. And you really do have to balance too , because the flip side is, is if , if I overshare, like I'll be honest with you, I , I remember your bachelorette. I do. And I remember the love I felt in it. Maybe 'cause we're family, but I still felt it. Right. Yeah . Well, I , if I , I've had a friend who stayed in a bachelorette, was always ashamed. Always. So when I mm-hmm . When he finally did let me over that shame is all I felt. Hmm . That's good. And so I'm saying to myself, well , I don't wanna feel this. So I said, I won't come , so I'm not coming back. I'm not coming back. Yeah . Yeah . That's , and di and I didn't care that what, that, even though he kept expressing shame underlying that mm-hmm . Was still a , a very quiet voice saying , but thanks for coming over. But the shame was overpowering

Speaker 3: 7:29

Was overpowering.

Andre: 7:30

And I got to the point where I didn't care that he wanted me to come over. I didn't feel like dealing with what he felt about his own self. That's so good. Right . Yeah . Right. And that's why I don't like need , I don't like needy people. But what I , there's a underlying conversation that needy people are giving you, which is mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I just wanna feel needed . Well, I don't care because you , your vibe is too needy. Too needy. Right. It's overpowering. Yeah. Balance yourself, balance yourself, balance your verses whatever your verse is , balance it . Mm-hmm . Balance it . Mm-hmm . Don't , you know , it's , it's , it's , you cannot be either or. You actually have to be both. You have to be one part self, one part others. You act you have to be, that's the only way you get a sense of belonging. Because people wanna know that you feel like you belong to them and they belong to you . People wanna know that your world isn't gonna die if they're not around you. Mm-hmm . They wanna know. You can still make it. So you gotta balance those two . Um , I think it's there where you learn to fit in . That's the only way you , you learn to fit in you . That's the only way you, you learn to fit in , um, uh, any other way. And you're just trying to mimic what somebody else is doing in the environment you wanna be a part of . And that's not , that's not healthy as well . That , that actually decreases your value in , in that scenario or that situation. Um, and, and so, you know, once you can learn to fit in, now you gotta kind of start to identify, you know, those indicators that you actually are a good fit. You belong . Yeah . That's good . In the relationship. And, and I , I think for me , I'll , I'll say this and I'll kick it back to you. I think when I can balance my verses then when I'm in those spaces where I know I belong, I know I'm a good fit because I can show up as my full self and live out, you know, what I find valuable and nobody judges, nobody ostracize. Nobody says that don't work here. You know, when I'm in that space, I feel like I'm actually expanding what I bring to the table. Expanding. That's good . My , my skillset . If you'll expanding my perspective, expanding my expertise, expanding who I'm , uh, in any particular organizational culture, when I feel like I can do that, I should feel that on my job. That's how I feel like I belong in my job. Mm-hmm . I should feel that in my family. And I feel like I belong in my family . I should feel that in my, in my relation, my intimate relationship. And that's how I know I belong. I should feel that with my children as their father. That's how I know I belong. You know, there, there are a lot of, you know, and, you know, one of my greatest passions is bringing , uh, fathers, not husbands, but fathers , uh, in their daughter's lives . Like, that's huge for me . That's good . Right . That's good. And , and that is, that , that's , uh, for, for a single father. So whether you're divorced or just you and your baby mama didn't get , didn't make it work, whatever it might be mm-hmm . <affirmative> , that can sometimes be an intimidating task. But you belong. Sure . You belong . Yeah , I do . Absolutely. And I , and I'm saying daughters that have daughters, but I don't care whether you have a father , I mean a daughter or a son. You belong. You belong . You absolutely belong. And we've gotta get to that needed . Right. You've gotta get to that space where you can be who you're with your children. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , that's all they ever wanted. I'm , I'm sounding like mom now, you know, kids ain't worried about, you know, how much money you make that don't , they don't even care what you live in. Right . Right. They're just simply saying that you're , you're my pa , you're my dad. Mm-hmm . Please, I belong in your life. You belong in mine. And, and I , you know, I know I pinpoint I stop there. But that's, you know , everywhere when I walk on my job, I get a sense that I belong. I'm tired of my job. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I'm so ready to lead that job. Yeah . But I still get a sense that I belong. But you , that's so that's a good point . Because they say, they say to me , mm-hmm Andre, we're so glad you're here. And it's not to mail them out, it's just they know the value I bring, I belong. You gotta be able to say, that's how you know you're a good fit when you can say , mm-hmm . I belong. Absolutely belong . So , but yeah . So Yeah . I'm , I'm it back to you talking , identifying these areas .

Anitra: 11:54

Yeah. It's, it's so good. Um, uh, man shout . I love everything you just said. I have to give a shout out here to, to Pastor Tim Ross , who I heard him articulate it this way in terms of, you know, giving people the gift of your vulnerability. Got it . And I think that's one of the, the key indicators for, for a good fit. Particularly when you're maybe like me and you're struggling to ask for help or to receive the help. And I think the flip side of that is , uh, you know, just paying attention to the opportunities to pay it forward. And I'll just unpack those really quickly here. So when it comes to the gift of that vulnerability, it reminded me of, you know , after I got into the separation, before I moved into divorce, and , and Burwell , you know, this story too, that it really got to a point where I knew I needed to ask our mom to come and help. Now, we didn't know that it was going to eventually move into her fully relocating from, you know, Ohio. Right . I remember to California remember that .

Andre: 12:45

Yep . But

Anitra: 12:45

The first need that was there was this need of, I need a family member. I need someone to step in and help me and Malachi as we start this transition mm-hmm. <affirmative> , I remember, and I absolutely did not, I loathed, I was not ever interested, nor did I want to call our mom and ask her could she come temporarily to help me and Kai, you know, work through my commute because I was, I started a new job. It was driving and, and the separation and all those things. And so I just wasn't gonna do it, bro. Bro. And this goes back to again, that verses and I was just like, no. And I ended up talking to , uh, two of my good friends, and this was what they said to me that really helped me get a better perspective on it, which talks about the indicators for, for a good fit in terms of that healthy giving and relationship and needing is , uh, they said, okay, after they listened to me say all the reasons, well, she just buried, you know, my grandmother, she's been in mourning and grief and she's just now starting to get back out and go do things with the church. She just emptied out their house. Like she had just spent all these la you know, last five years taking care of both of her parents as a single only child mm-hmm . Through death. And I just, in my mind in heart, I was like, I don't know if she has the capacity to give anything else, and I'll not be the person to ask her. Yeah .

Andre: 14:08

Yeah .

Anitra: 14:08

After going through that to come and now take on her daughter's brokenness through separation and , and, you know, future divorce and her grandson's needs, you know, as he's just going through, unfortunately, you know, the process of that, it just, I would not do it . And it took one of my friends pulling me to the side and she said, Anitra , she said, I'm just gonna ask you two questions. And it was the , the second one that really got me, the first question she asked was, if Malachi were in your shoes, Malachi's my son, what would you want him to do if he were in a position

Andre: 14:42

Wow . Where

Anitra: 14:43

He needed help, the same type of help mm-hmm . <affirmative> that you needed from you . And it hit me . 'cause I was like , well , yeah , I would absolutely want him to ask me. And she said, okay . She said , that's , that's fine . She said , because I get that you're mom . And but this was the follow-up question that she said that just broke me into tears. And I still get emotional now. She said, and how would you feel if he never asked you ? Yep ,

Speaker 4: 15:06

Yep . If

Anitra: 15:07

If he, he just said, I can't ask her , her , I , I can't. And I'll just go through this. And it just broke me down. And that's what made me stop and make the call was because I would never want my son to need me

Speaker 4: 15:21

And not ,

Anitra: 15:21

And not ask for the help. And I found out, you know, years later, days later, whatever, later that I could have been , uh, the answer. And so when we think about, you know, learning where to fit in or identifying, you know, good fits and indicators for good fit is, that's the thing, is you, you have the ability to sometimes be the answer or the solution to what is essential or important to someone else's life.

Speaker 4: 15:45

Absolutely.

Anitra: 15:45

And you, when you know that you can do that, and lemme say this too, and it doesn't overwhelm either party in giving in that. 'cause it shouldn't overwhelm them to the point to where they become, you know, codependent, which we probably will talk a little bit more about, but they just become extra needy. Right . Or codependent. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And it shouldn't overwhelm your hand. 'cause God doesn't give us stuff for us to give it to where our hand is cut off right now. We can't help nobody else. We done just gave our hand is gone. Right. So it shouldn't overwhelm either party. But if you have the ability to be the answer the solution, and think about that in terms of business. Like there are people who are million, you know , multi-millionaires today because they were what the solution That's the solution . The answer. Yeah .

Speaker 4: 16:29

Yeah. To

Anitra: 16:29

Some, to a problem on a larger perspective. That's how you know, you have, you know, ideally a good business concept is you are the answer. Right. You're the solution to something. And that's the idea. But for those of us who are, you know, and it really is pride, I'll just call it on the, on the carpet. Like it's pride that keeps us from giving the gift of our vulnerability to trusted spaces that then really does undercut this notion of that relational need to be needed and the , the ability to fulfill that need. And so I had to surrender that. And I thank God that I did, and this is what's so amazing about God in me asking my, our , you know, my mom to come and help. And her happily coming and saying, yes, I'll be there. And we thought it was temporary. She made that trip, I wanna say like maybe six months before the pandemic. And she was supposed to actually go back home. And she lived by herself at the time Right. As the pandemic hit. And it, you know, God just opened the doors for it to be a two-way blessing. Yeah . And that's just how God worked, right? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . But for her, it became an answer to some things that she was dealing with. And so, you know, on one end it's give the gift of your vulnerability so that, that there can be the right fit for, you know, this exchange. Right. That's, that's just designed to happen in life because of who we are . And then the flip side, in terms of paying it forward, I'll just be raw, you guys, you know, I'm a professor. I love my students and there are times when I have to write 17 letters of recommendation, and they're all due to the same couple of colleges and the same week span time. And I'm frustrated. 'cause I want every letter to be unique to each student. And I'm just like, oh , I love y'all, but I don't wanna do this. But then I think about all the people

Andre: 18:07

Yeah . Who wrote

Anitra: 18:07

Letters or recommendations for me mm-hmm . <affirmative> , who were references and referrals, who I can call to this day to they say to this day , I can call them and they will still say, I got you. Tell 'em to call me. They'll still be a referral. They'll still be my recommender. They'll still draft a letter even as I'm a , and like, how can I not pay that forward? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah . How can I not be that for someone else? Uh, and I think that's the other piece of this equation, is it, you know, it, it makes sure that these things are not transactional. It makes sure that they're not kind of this , the , this , okay, I'm gonna , I'm gonna be the need for you, but I'm gonna hold it over your head. It's like, no, think about all the people that did that for you and continue to pay it forward. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And I think that's how you can see the indications of good fits is, you know, that one, you get to feel fulfilled, but you're also just being a blessing to someone. You're helping somebody out. Uh , and you're able to also say, Hey, I'm in need here and I'm gonna open myself up. I'm gonna be humble in that space and allow , uh, you to be , uh, some provisioned for me to be some help for me. And as Dre already pointed out to it , it really does emphasize belonging. Right. It really does emphasize spaces where communities can flow. And again, it should not overwhelm. Yeah . The giver or the receiver. That's the , the , a key indicator should not, you have to be wise about who you know, how you give help, it should never condemn. Right? Right. Um, but it should protect the hand, and you should be able to give, because we can give to a fault. Right. We can give to a fault when we're doing it in a way that does create , um, you know, a , a codependency or doesn't allow the person to naturally, authentically grow through receiving the gift. And so those are things to me that stick out for good indications for you. But there's also this notion of self-awareness, right. Um, you know, am I the answer to the relational need? And if I'm not sure about that, like how can I unpack my own self-awareness and how I give, and I'll, I'll kick that to you pro bro to see, you know, how do you set up, you know, the need to know you're aware of when you should give mm-hmm . When you're actually the answer ,

Andre: 20:07

Uh , you know , to , to , so it reminds me, and I'm gonna go theological for a second , it reminds me mm-hmm . Of , uh, the , the story of David , uh, who mm-hmm . Where Samuel has been, you know , uh, tasked by God to anoint the next king , um mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And, and he goes to Jesse and , and Jesse brings about all of his, his children, except for David. And, and Samuel says none of these, like, you , you , you got another boy. Right. And Jesse's like, well, yeah, but he's, he's tending to the sheep ,

Anitra: 20:38

Not him.

Andre: 20:39

Right . Right. It can't be him. He's , he's tending to the sheep , like these dudes here , like they're black belts and karate and jitsu. Yeah . You know , look at them . They're tall and they look good. And <laugh> , you know , it can't be him. Like, and plus, you know, the , the Bible says David is ruddy thou that means an internal ugliness. So he's saying like, you know , no , it does . 'cause it says he's beautiful with all but ruddy. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , that's what the Bible says. So on the outside, he looks good, but on the inside he ugly. So <laugh> . And so it's like, Hey , David, David got attitude problems. That's why he's with the sheep. David got his , he's working right . <laugh> , he's working on him . And , and , and he , and he says , like , and Samuel says, I'm not gonna sit down until you, you bring David , he brings David and he Samuel gets this notion from God says you , he's the one . I'm Gary anointing . Lemme tell you why I brought that up. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> self-awareness ought to tell you that I belong because I'm not an option , I'm an answer.

Speaker 5: 21:40

Ooh , there it is .

Andre: 21:41

Right? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , there's a whole lot of women that got into relationships, not self-aware. They found out they were an option. Come on . And not the answer.

Speaker 5: 21:51

You teaching , there's

Andre: 21:52

A whole lot of people who accepted jobs mm-hmm . <affirmative> instead of their purpose. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> and their jobs showed them you're an option. Whereas purpose would've showed you you the answer.

Speaker 5: 22:06

So good .

Andre: 22:06

And so, so, so just real quickly from there, I wanna move to an understanding that when you do stuff, when you're not self-aware, you'll force yourself into spaces you weren't fit for . You weren't fit for the , the proverbial square peg in a round hole. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And that's why I kept saying there's a difference between fitting in and belonging. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . See what I'm trying to fit in, that's an action I'm taking.

Speaker 5: 22:31

Right.

Andre: 22:32

But when I belong, that's , it's existential. When I belong, y'all will come get me. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , y'all will be, you'll be the 2023 Samuel <laugh> . I ain't sitting down till you go get Dre <laugh> . You gonna be my next level anointed. We will not sit down till you go get Dre. Well , Dre Dre Dre's in the sheep field , Dre's doing something menial, Dre's doing something that lust most of us don't consider valuable. Well , when you belong, it ain't what you're doing. That holds value. It's who you're,

Speaker 5: 23:06

Who you're, that

Andre: 23:07

Holds value. It's absolutely , absolutely. Who you're, and, and when you belong, your calling will pull you out of the most mundane, the most. Yes. It will indiscriminate the most just, you know, menial task that the earth could provide. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . I have been pulled outta washing toilets. You may hear what I just said . Teach , teach , teach . You just said it . I've been pulled out the , the lowest rung on the totem pole because somebody said, we ain't gonna sit down because Dre belong here. I've been pulled out of some environments where people said , uh, you don't belong here, lemme pull you gear

Speaker 6: 23:49

Here. That's good.

Andre: 23:51

And I didn't have to say a word. I didn't have to. And that's the thing about belonging versus fitting in, fitting in. I gotta give you my resume. I gotta give you , I gotta give, I gotta prove myself. But when I belong, I ain't gotta give you nothing. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . You just can tell. It's just on me. Belonging, just on you fitting you fitting in is you trying to put yourself in something that's now . So that's , you know , self-awareness will help you because when I'm self-aware, I'll also be able to say that. No , that's a , that's a round hole. I'm a I'm a square peg. Stop trying to put me in there. Self-awareness will have you putting boundaries on relationships and spaces where you don't have the sense that you belong. Somebody's just trying to fit you in, which means it's a temporal space as it's, yeah . And , and , and see, what we've gotta look at when we're trying to force ourselves in spaces that we're not fit for is also there's a culture to fitting in. Mm mm There's a culture to fitting in. And now , when I , and I, most people, when I say culture, you think ethnicity, I'm not talking about your skin color.

Speaker 6: 25:01

Right.

Andre: 25:02

I'm talking about who you're , uh, belongs in spaces where there are like-minded people, like focused people. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , that's the sense of belonging, connection. Right. That's good . So I'm not gonna fit in . Andre would love to fit in with billionaires, but as long as billionaires are stuffy and elitist mm-hmm . I'll just never be a billionaire. Mm-hmm . And I'll be okay with that. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Now, if you find me a billionaire club where there are people who are laid back, love humanity. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> love , uh, living their best life for God first and for everybody. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> and for mankind. Second, then I'm on my way to being a billionaire. See , now listen to what I, just speaking into existence . <laugh> , listen to what I just said. Belonging says, when I get there, it actually expanded and made my life better.

Speaker 6: 25:55

Yeah. Yeah . Mm-hmm . <affirmative>

Andre: 25:57

Fitting in says, I'm trying to get there because there's something there that I think will make my life better . Mm-hmm . The first one says, I'm gonna be better . The second one says , I require that to be better. I'm not gonna require anything temporal to make cause me to believe. That's what'll make me better. Your call , your Rolls Royce ain't gonna make me better. Your 7,000 square foot home ain't gonna make me better. Right . That job title ain't gonna make me better. Right . No . What's gonna make me better is something on the inside, that's where I belong. That's, that's where I belong. That's why I say it's a cultural, there's a culture to belonging. Um, you know, fitting in. Everybody wants to fit in . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , everybody wants to fit in because , because that's the way we're created. It's natural to us. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> belonging. Everybody don't know how to belong. Everybody don't know how takes work. Yeah . You take , it takes work. And that work is, is a transformation. See, fitting in means you're changing yourself to be a part of something. Belonging means you're showing up , showing as yourself, and everybody's getting better.

Anitra: 27:06

<laugh> , there we go .

Andre: 27:07

Lemme lemme just show up as, and , and , and it , it takes work because belonging is intentional. There's absolutely an intentionality in order to kind of facilitate a belonging connection. And it's not the same as changing yourself to fit in belonging and changing . I just, this past Sunday, I was preaching a word about the difference between , uh, changing and transformation.

Anitra: 27:30

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> .

Andre: 27:31

And that's the difference between fitting in and belonging. Changing to fit in means the ownership is on you to be able to meet the criteria, whereas belonging is transformational, which means there , which means you already have everything you need intrinsically . Right . Right . And you're gonna go there and everybody's gonna get better . I'd rather belong than fit in all day long. Yes .

Anitra: 27:59

So,

Andre: 27:59

So when we say things like, get in where you fit in, I'm saying get in where you belong.

Anitra: 28:04

Yeah. Yeah. Get

Andre: 28:05

In where you belong. Uh, that, that, that , that, those are the things that kind of come mind . What , what , what . But , uh, I'm gonna kick it to you now just in terms of mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you know, just, you know , not forcing yourself to fit in or, or , or just kind of nurturing , uh, your need, nurturing the needs . Mm-hmm . You have belonging. Mm-hmm . Just , yes . I'm gonna kick it to you now. Mm-hmm .

Anitra: 28:22

I love it. And I co-sign everything you say. The only thing I'll add to that is when you as Dre already pointed out, belong and you're aware of who you're, so that, you know, it's a natural, organic , uh, process of being in that, that belonging state, you actually set yourself up and the relationship up to now, I'll use a , a basketball reference here, even though I didn't play basketball, but to in essence, set up the assist for someone else. Nice . To now step in to , uh, to score, to step in, to now provide a need for the larger community or the larger relationship. And I think when you're not self-aware , uh, and you don't understand proper belonging and who you are , then what happens is you limit everything because mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> either you're trying control the need to be needed, or you're trying to prevent something from happening. And it's so important that when you're, you're aware of, you know, one where you are the answer and you are able to provide that because you're whole and you're grounded and you understand your belonging, then you will do that. But you also think and understand, you know what , I'm not the answer to this. Right. But I can actually point you in the direction, or I can actually maybe make a suggestion. And that really does take wholeness, which also is directly connected to knowing where you belong and where you don't belong. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , that's an indication of, you know mm-hmm . <affirmative> wholeness in you as the, the individual. And so that's where you get into these situations where you're trying to fix something that isn't broke. Right. Right.

Andre: 29:47

So,

Anitra: 29:48

Because you feel like, well, I , it's , I'm , it's my job to do that, and this is the need, and I'm gonna force feet and I'm gonna put the square peg in a round hole. I remember when I was , uh, teaching Malachi to tie his shoes and, you know, it was taking longer than I wanted. You know, like, I was just like, come on , son. Because I was tired of buying Velcro shoes. And so each day I was putting it on this routine, and finally my baby boy looked at me and he was just like, mom, I'm not ready to learn this .

Andre: 30:14

Yikes. <laugh> love it.

Anitra: 30:17

And I was like,

Andre: 30:19

Got it. Yep . Right. Yep . Yep .

Anitra: 30:21

And that's the thing is he's telling me, yes, there is a need. I do need to self-awareness , tie my shoes,

Andre: 30:27

Self-awareness, but I'm not ready to learn this right now . It's not my time. Self-awareness. Love it.

Anitra: 30:32

And when he learned it, he learned it. Right . And we moved on . He's like ,

Andre: 30:36

I'm not leaving the Velcro club just yet, mama . Yeah . I'm , I'm cool with the Velcro for a while .

Anitra: 30:41

I like way it work . I'm doing my thing . Right. Uh , and so that's the self-awareness is that you, sometimes you gotta say, you know what? They're not ready for it. I'm not ready for it. I don't have the need, and I'm okay saying I'm gonna wait, or I'm gonna , you know, bring in someone else. And this is for those of us who are in, you know , our divorce may be in blended families. This is, and it's a hard thing. We are talking about, you know, mature moves here. But you may find in your new blended situation that you have to be whole enough to know that now that there's a bonus dad or a bonus mom in play, you know, God may bring that person there to be the answer to something that your children need. And it's okay . That's good . This is tough. Like I'm talking about what I'm walking through now, and I have to be self-aware enough to know that maybe this bonus mom, maybe this bonus dad can step in and, and provide the need in our home, or provide the need for our children.

Andre: 31:36

Yeah.

Anitra: 31:36

And that can be tough to do, but that's what we're talking about in terms of the need to be needed. Don't just need to be needed for the sake of needing to be needed.

Andre: 31:45

Yes. That's it.

Anitra: 31:46

Be the answer. Be

Andre: 31:47

The answer. Not the option . Be

Anitra: 31:48

The answer. And just like Exactly. Not the option. Just like, bro , bro said it . You don't become a better person because you might have a title. Right. There's times where God is gonna bring other people into our lives to help us learn something. Yeah .

Andre: 32:02

Yeah .

Anitra: 32:02

And you need to receive it. Not , no , it's not because, oh, well that's, that didn't come from my husband, or that didn't come from my pastor, or that didn't come from my mentor. Right. No, it came from the stranger at the grocery store that God divinely sent to tell you what you needed to hear. Right. Right. And so, it's so important to be self-aware on all sides that , you know, don't just step into that place where I, you know, be humble, I think is really it. You know, our inner Kendrick Lamar here, be humble. Absolutely. And sit down when you need to. Um, and don't, and don't lured over because I'm in this position or because I have this title, which is why the David story is so important. I'm a dangle . Right ? Right . Air quotes my answer over your head . Uh , and that's not going to be, that's not nurturing the need, which is the kind of the final point as we're wrapping out here, that yeah. You can kill a relationship by being on either extreme, by being, you know, the person that's too needy or lording someone over that you think is needy, or vice versa. Kill the relationship. You know, by being too independent, too self-reliant with the first one. Right . The biggest point I'm gonna give out here, then I'll kick it back to you, bro. Bro, is, can you know the question is, can I kill a relationship? Or can we kill a relationship being too needy? If you don't understand that being needed has an expiration date, woo . You're setting yourself up. That's setting yourself up. I said it, he just said it. And so it has an expiration date. Ask the empty nesters .

Andre: 33:21

Yeah . Hello. Yes. Yes.

Anitra: 33:23

A ask the person whose spouse , uh, 20, 30, 40, 50 years walked out , you know , passes away, passed away ,

Andre: 33:29

Or walks

Anitra: 33:29

Out. Right. And they didn't spend time finding activities to do for themself with themself with their friends. Different

Andre: 33:37

Retire after 50 years of hard labor retire.

Anitra: 33:41

Come on. Right. The end of a friendship. 'cause we're , you know, friendships can be seasoned reason or lifetime, right? Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . So we have to know that even if we're serving a much important, essential, important need, every need has an expiration date. And it should in healthy environments, right. <laugh> . Right? Absolutely. It should grow to a place where now that need you can now, you know, be aid it or fulfill it or , and give and pay it forward. And so if you don't understand that there's gonna be an expiration date to you being needed, or for someone else needing you, or for you, you know, you having that need from that person, then that's where we definitely have these spaces of codependency, which are not healthy. Right? Not at all . Not now. They're , they're building it on, you know, dysfunction and things like that. So that would be my response. But let me give it to you, bro. Bro . Can you know, can you kill a relationship with being too needy? I ,

Andre: 34:28

I you can, but with exactly what you said. But, and , and so , um, the , the understanding, first of all, that needs fall under belonging. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . So as long as you stay, keep your needs under un under the power, the authority, under the value of belonging, then mm-hmm . <affirmative> , uh, you understand that what, again, what you just said, some needs need to be killed because you grow and you grow because you're in a situation where you belong, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . 'cause what , what , you know , it's life. So you're gonna go through life stages. So what I need at 15, I didn't need, as a young adult, what I needed as a young adult. I don't need in my middle adulthood right now. Yeah . And what I'm gonna need when I retire, I , I , uh, it's gonna be different than what I'm needing right now. But as long as I'm consistently in a situation where I belong, I can kill the need without killing myself. I can kill the need without sending myself into depression or , or hurt . I can kill the need and still be in perfect health and psychological wellbeing because belonging. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> is intentional, needing is temporal. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> belonging is eternal because of intentionality. Belonging is a spiritual practice. If I'm just , it's because it's not based on practicality. It's not based on feasibility. It's a spirit . Belonging is a spiritual practice. It's a stamp of your authenticity. That's , it's your ability to invite yourself to sit within yourself and just be mm-hmm . <affirmative> . That's what belonging is. Can I wake up every day and say , Andre, I invite you just to be Andre today. Hey , you gonna have a hell of a time doing it today? It's gonna be great. Then I, I have a sense of belonging. It's , I , you knows , if I can go in my job and my job says, Andre, be yourself. Be with my kids. Andre , be yourself . Be with be with my relationships. Andre. Be yourself. Be on the, on the, yeah . Anywhere, Andre, be yourself. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , and I'm in , I'm invited to just be me. Then the needs that fall under that can say, Hey, I'm gonna kill this by meeting that need, or I'm gonna kill it 'cause I outgrew that need, but I'm still me, I'm still belonging. Can I kill a relationship by being too needy? Absolutely. Chances are I stepped outside of being a belonging entity. And that's how I end up killing the relationship with my neediness. Can you kill a relationship by being too self-reliant? Same thing. Yes. Why? Same reason. As long as I'm just myself, people find value in who I'm, and therefore they find connection. So there's no longer self-reliance, it's just life reliance. I just living my, my best life. The fact of the matter is , is you can't, you , you can't get past people needing you or you needing people. You're a social animal. You're a social being . Yes. Yes . You'll always have needs, whether you like it or not. The reason you're needy is because social needs fuel and drive and connect and succeed. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you're , you cannot do any of those things by yourself. You can't. You just can't. You , you don't find success. Mm-hmm . Alone, you don't find drive alone. You obviously don't find connection alone. You have no passion alone . You have no purpose alone. You just don't. So, yeah . As much as you may wanna try to be alone, you're not gonna find any of the things I just mentioned, because you're a social being. So Yes. To being too self-reliant really means not being yourself. You're not being yourself . You're not being who you're at least one other person. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> and those folks that say that I'm , I'm, that they're easily annoyed. And when I say folks, I'm talking about myself that are easily annoyed by needy people. If I'm being honest. If I'm actually being honest, that means that there's a part of me that I, I'm trying to hide.

Anitra: 38:55

Yes.

Andre: 38:56

Yes. Because if , if I'm, if I'm annoyed by a needy person, what I'm annoyed by is their need to need somebody. I'm annoyed because there's a part of me that probably doesn't wanna say, dang, I really need somebody right here. Right . Come on . And as an introvert, that's my fight every day . I wanna be by myself. But you know what? I need to talk to somebody today.

Anitra: 39:15

Yeah. Yeah.

Andre: 39:16

And so you've gotta be intentional about belonging so that even your self-reliance doesn't kill relationships. So yeah. Both sides of that coin Absolutely. Too . Needy will kill it too . Self-reliant will kill it. And, and it's because you're not understanding your sense of belonging. Because you're not just being who you're, you're not inviting yourself to just sit within yourself and be, and just, just just be. So, I , I know we gotta get the transformational piece, but I wanna kick it back to you and see , see , uh, see if there's anything else you wanna add to that.

Anitra: 39:52

Yeah. And just real quick, and then we'll hop straight into the, the next segment. But I would only say for those of us that definitely struggle with, as robo pointed out, like, you know, you struggle with opening up because you, you like some of that independence, isolation, and you like the safety of it. It does take trust. Right. You know, it does take trust because relationships and expanding , uh, you know, to allow people to come into your space can be scary. 'cause you like control. 'cause you wanna make sure that the life that you're building, you can handle all of it, but you have to get to where Yeah. You with wisdom, you trust people to come into your space and to, to share where you need them, where you can be of service to them. That does take some, some hardship. I mean , it does take some work, rather because it feel , you know, it definitely can be a space where you feel naked, where you feel like, but that's really what relationships are built on the healthy ones anyway. Absolutely. You know, have trust. And so Absolutely. If some of you are struggling with opening up in that way, and you're killing relationships because you're too self-reliant, because you know, it's just fear. It's just fear of show , of showing, you know, the fullness of who I am . That's what Broo is saying is belonging is about being your authentic self. And if you find that you become so independent, so , um, self-reliant to where there's nowhere for anyone else to fit in, it's because you're afraid of trusting them. Yeah . With your authentic self and trusting them with who you're, and you gotta jump off. So I think that's a perfect segue to our transformational perspective, which for those of us that may struggle with that trust, what we're really saying is, you know, I really got everything I need by myself. Yeah . It is living life in a vacuum. It's snug and warm and

Andre: 41:33

Safe. Right . Uhhuh . It's sufficient Uhhuh . And

Anitra: 41:36

So that's that counterpoint to our whole conversation that, hey, it's safe here. Hey, it's, it's warm here. I got everything I need. I really don't need anyone else. And I don't have a need to be needed by anyone else. So what's wrong with living my life in my vacuum? What say you, bro, bro.

Andre: 41:53

Well , well , one, I think it's, it's a lie. I , I think that , that , I think you're lying to yourself. But, and here's my example to the reason why I say you're lying. I , I , I have gone days without what I think is talking to people and by people, then I'm automatically saying, I've gone days without connecting to people I have a relationship with. I haven't gone to work. Maybe I took some time off. It's not Sunday. So I'm not at church. And I've spent days where all I've done was stay in my, my place. And I went to the store and I came back to my place and I would say, mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I'm happy. I don't need to connect with anybody. I'm self-sufficient, self-reliant. So what y'all talking about in this whole fitting in , it's a farce.

Anitra: 42:39

Right ? <laugh> .

Andre: 42:39

But here's , here's the problem where I'd be lying to myself, and this actually happened to me. And a moment where I had days off, I went to the grocery store , store and I got some item . And the lady didn't ask me if I wanted a bag. And I got a little bit indignant on the inside because watch this, I felt slighted because I, here's this word, needed her to ask me if I needed a bag. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . So I said, outwardly, you , you're not gonna ask me if I need a bag. And what she said to me was, is, well, I check you out every day. Your usual limit is four to five items you carry out on your own. You have. And she said, oh, you got six items. I'm sorry. Did you need a bag, <laugh> ? And , and here's no . Now here's my example. I love it. In my mind, I didn't need anybody self-reliance, self-sufficient. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . But then I go to the grocery store and I needed her to ask me if I wanted a bag. 'cause I indeed had six items. You needed it. <laugh>. She had established a relationship with me. I didn't even know we had, because she knew me. And so good . What she knew about me was, is when he comes through with five items mm-hmm . <affirmative> , he got this mm-hmm . <affirmative> , he got it. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . And that for her was a moment of he's good. But when I had six items, that's how much she knew about my habits . When I had That's hilarious . Six items. She said, no , he needs me. And watch this. In her mind, she belonged right where she was to offer me the bag. Yep . My self-reliance didn't even know I needed her. So if you living in a vacuum and you're saying, no, I got everything I need. I don't need anything, you're actually lying to yourself. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Because every situation, every circumstance, every every scenario requires a belonging, requires a needing , and you've gotta choose which one you wanna be. She chose belonging. I chose neediness. And from that moment on, I realized I can't, I can't be so reliant that I can't be relational with people who I need , who I , who belong in my life. And if I says now, whenever I see her, every single time I see her, I, she, she counts my stuff and I smile <laugh> and we laugh, and we have a whole conversation in that moment. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> so much so that I won't go to anybody else's line . Yeah . That's how our co that's how our relationship is right now. So if you're telling yourself you don't need anybody, you're self-sufficient, you're lying to yourself, you're lying to yourself. Mm-hmm . Now , and I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to be self-sufficient. No self-sufficient. Right . Have this, this self-sufficient people , uh, have a strong , uh, what we call psychology, internal locus of control, not meaning. They have this ability and this desire kind of to determine their own course. And they typically do a great job at making sure their course is on point. It's exactly what they need. Nothing more and nothing less. They make their own decisions. They, they have their own life choices. Self-sufficient people also are very authentic. You not Finn , get the fak and phony with a self-sufficient person. No , that's good . Because they're gonna let you know immediately whether or not you are damaging or helping their own sufficient. So they're not Finn to play no play . They ain't gonna play roles with you. They're not gonna be dishonest and misleading just to please you. They're not to please you at all . Right . They'll tell you the truth. They're their , in their , their inner , uh, stability, their , uh, wholeness. It means that it's not so important for them to gain your affirmation or even gain your respect . If I'm being honest with you , because I'm , I'm , I'm speaking from experience <laugh> , I'm <laugh> . I'm not only , I'm not only a member. I'm the self-sufficiency club president. I'm the c e , I'm the c e o <laugh> . So I , I I , I'm fully prepared for the risk of being disliked because I'm speaking my truth. Like I'm fully , I'm fully prepared for , to walk away and somebody say, I don't like you. I knew it. I was prepared for it. <laugh> , like , I'm so good at this <laugh> . Yeah . I'm so good at being self-sufficient, but I do not lie to myself. I know it is highly important that there will be needs that I have that are only gonna be met outside of me . So I thought I'd do my best connect where I belong in , uh, line number seven every morning, <laugh> between eight 30 and 9:00 AM when Tiffany's working. I only know that because I see her badge , because I don't belong in anybody else's line because they don't get me. Like Tiffany gets me and I don don't get, and, and I , nobody gets Tiffany the way I get her. I don't see her smiling and laughing at , at just looking at a bag the way she does me <laugh> . No. So, so, so, so for me then that bottom line is, is you gotta have connection to grow . Do not lie to yourself and think you can live life alone. You gotta have No man is an island. I know. We've heard that some time . No

Anitra: 48:10

Man is an island. Yeah. That's

Andre: 48:11

Good. You need connection to grow. You can be a peninsula. I'm a peninsula. I can't be an island, but I am a peninsula. Ah , peninsula. Yeah . You may think you live in a vacuum . Little, tiny, little , like the Florida keys, like that little sliver . Right . Just little. The little slip . It's a one-way road. <laugh> . It's a , but , uh, but you know , with a draw, with a drawbridge with a and a and a troll . And a troll , not a toll , a troll <laugh> . I'll tell you <laugh> , that's , that is me. Um , I love it . But yeah, you know, you , you , you might, if you're lying to yourself, you might think you're living in a vacuum, but your actions will always be connected to someone else else . Whether , whether you wanna admit it or not. Your mind is always plotting to get what you need, or it's protecting you from being drained . Either way. It's looking for belonging, it's looking for relational value. So therefore, if you're honest, you are needy. I'm needy. Everyone is needy. We all wanna be seen, we all wanna be understood. We all wanna feel cared for. We all wanna feel valued. We all wanna know that what we offer to this world in any given scenario has relational value to it. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And so therefore, you know, you may think yourself reliant. Nah , nah , you need the gas attendant. You need a mechanic . Well , my , my old pastor used say , there are two things you gonna need in life. You gonna need a mechanic, and you're gonna need a preacher to preach at your funeral. Well, come on , you better have some relationships. If you gonna have a preacher preach at your funeral , and you better have some relationships if you gonna need a mechanic because , uh mm-hmm . <affirmative> , you know , those are the , those those areas where boy , you know, if somebody care about you, let your car break down and let your , let your health break down . Let's just , come on . Let's , that's what you'll know . Let's see who's there. That's who's in your life. You absolutely know .

Anitra: 50:08

Showing up , showing up at the door. I got this potato salad. Right , right .

Andre: 50:12

Something , something . Let , let's something . So yeah . I , that's , that's, for me , that's that , that's that bottom line. You need connection to grow you . You're not gonna be self-reliant. The same time a plant needs the sun , it needs the soil , it needs the water . Mm-hmm . It it , and in order for it to handle the elements and still grow , it needs all of those things. It cannot grow , uh, by itself.

Anitra: 50:38

I love it. That's perfect. Uh , microphone drop on that. So we're gonna jump right into our quick shot . And Broa , did you have one? Do you want me to jump into mind ? No , I ,

Andre: 50:49

So normally, you know, I try to bring something funny, but this one's very thoughtful. And it , and it , and I liked it because we're talking about , uh, getting in where you fit in , fit in mm-hmm . <affirmative> . And it , and it has a lot to do with belonging or being needed . And I read , this was on Instagram , it was a quote , and , and I really do like it. Uh , I , I , yeah. Uh , it says , you don't really need someone to complete you, you only need someone to accept you completely .

Anitra: 51:16

Mm . Yeah . One more time.

Andre: 51:18

Okay. You don't, you don't really need someone to complete you. Yeah . You only need someone to accept you completely.

Anitra: 51:27

I love it. That's beautiful. Yeah . And some of us, we need to definitely remind ourself of that, you know, as we're, you know, navigating relationships and stuff. That's very, very good. So, well in this spirit of , um, being the answer to all things in life. Okay . And, you know, this notion of, of, you know, what can I do to solve a problem or to answer the need, I decided to think about different things that have been invented or created in life to help us, you know, I guess live better or to answer the needs . So I'm gonna throw out a couple of inventions and things that have happened over history. And I want you to tell me, is it a necessary invention? And why? Oh lord. Or useless <laugh> , oh Lord, useless and should never have been. Um , do we need it

Andre: 52:12

And does it belong? Or should we know <laugh> ? Because

Anitra: 52:14

When you think about it, everything really, when you think about inventions and just anything that we do as human beings, I , you know, ideally it's because we're what we're trying to be the answer or the solution. Yeah. Uh, to something. And so that's kind of , I just got me thinking. And so I , I , I kind of , kind of thought of a couple of these or looked up a couple of these. So here's the first one. So is it necessary or useless in terms of being the answer or solution ? Body soap.

Andre: 52:41

Oh , it's needed. You send me . It's needed. There's too many, oh , lemme say this correctly, <laugh> , there's too many folk walking around that don't understand that they belong with soap. Not just needed. They belong with soap . Are you kidding me?

Anitra: 53:01

<laugh> ? Are you kidding me? Like , no . Now you know, there's some countries you can go to.

Andre: 53:07

Yes. Yes. And they don't necessarily, so lemme tell you something . With putting

Anitra: 53:11

The dial and the zes , lemme ,

Andre: 53:13

Lemme tell . So if , lemme tell . So I know there's some countries like that. And I'm gonna tell you , if I had the money, I'd start a soap company in that country . <laugh> . I would be a billionaire . A billionaire. I'd be handing out samples like drugs on corner . They're not gonna use it. I'll be handing out samples like drugs on the corner , just tie it. One hit. You'll be back and showing up . Yeah . You , they put no , they gonna be somebody scratching the on their forearm talking about , Hey, you got that Irish freak . You got that Irish <laugh> . You got that? Do there gonna be a man? Hey , you got that? Do for men . <laugh> like , I got you now .

Anitra: 53:49

Oh my God. All right , here's another one. Necessary or useless. So you could say like , like what said, belong or I guess don't belong. Um , all right . Spray on hair.

Andre: 54:03

Oh God, I no , don't belong <laugh> . Listen, if God gave you early male pattern bar balders, accept , accepted , accept . And I'm speaking from experience. I'm not only, look, I'm not only a member. I'm the c e o , the president of the early pattern . But just accept it. It's okay. You can still be loved. You'll still find a place to belong and bald. Just don't , don't do that joint. Nope .

Anitra: 54:30

Go get it. Shh . Don't , don't do that joint .

Andre: 54:33

Don't do that. Listen, we , we got a lot of things that, you know, that should not have been connected with hair and spray . Like Jerry Curl, no <laugh> Jerry Curl. No. We shoulda have left that alone.

Anitra: 54:46

Oh , I love Jerry , Jerry Curl .

Andre: 54:47

I know. And you shoulda left that alone. And dad , me <laugh> . And , and , and dad got , got , got , got a comedian, a homeless comedian, talked about dad on Venice Beach

Anitra: 55:00

Because it was a huge Afro jerk . It was

Andre: 55:03

<laugh> . It was on that day where I said to myself, I ain't gonna do that. I ain't gonna be doing no check , girl .

Anitra: 55:10

Oh, man. Because he type , yeah . Dad's six foot five too , with a huge Afrojack. That's rough . That was rough . All right , here's another one. Uh, necessary or useless? Um, digital music.

Andre: 55:23

Oh, necessary. Absolutely necessary. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I mean, one, just the, the , the progression of technology. Um mm-hmm . <affirmative> , I'm not finna keep carrying around that big old , uh, uh, boombox on my shoulder . Boombox , <laugh> . I ain't Finn do it. I'm just not Finn do it. I'm gonna reach an age in my life where I'm like, you know what? I just ain't listening to music no more. If this is the only way I can do it . I just ain't listen to music No more <laugh> . So, no digital. Digital, you know , you

Anitra: 55:54

Know, you wanna listen to Sydnee Lauper and Bruno Mars within a a five minute span . I can't Finn do

Andre: 56:00

It . I ain't Finn do it . I'm not, no , I'm not finna do it . No , no . Thank God for digital music .

Anitra: 56:07

Amen . We can share it up . So, okay, here's another one . Uh , necessary or useless, hoverboards

Andre: 56:14

Necessary. Again , technology . No ne what also is necessary is I think there needs to be some type of licensure process. <laugh>. Okay ? I , I believe you need , I believe you need a license. I do believe you gonna need a very specific, let's call it a class H for he board license , licensed driver's license. Okay. They're like , right . I don't believe, I don't believe it's necessary for everybody, but I do believe it's necessary. I look , uh, call me what you want. Call me a a hover. Hover . Whether it's a racist, call me a hover , because I don't believe everybody should have a hoverboard, shoulda have access there , there's gonna have to be some licensing process. But yeah, I believe there should

Anitra: 57:06

Be hoverboards. Absolutely. I totally disagree. I think we're headed to Wally <laugh> walk , move your body .

Andre: 57:14

No , but

Anitra: 57:15

Y'all fall over anyway. They blow up and burn .

Andre: 57:17

You know, recently they announced the AI thing for Google <laugh> . No , for not Google for binging. Binging announced the ai. I

Anitra: 57:27

Did hear that.

Andre: 57:28

And , and the Google immediately followed it up with their own version . Ai . Ai, yes.

Anitra: 57:32

And

Andre: 57:32

Both of them are tracked to garbage right now because they asked the question. They both got it wrong. So listen, I'm saying hoverboard, yes, ai. No, I'm not finna have no iRobot incident, man. Nah , nothing happened . Nothing happened . <laugh> .

Anitra: 57:50

I love it. Okay, let's do maybe , uh, a couple more. Um, okay. Uh, useless, you know , or necessary answer , not the answer . D n a fingerprinting.

Andre: 58:03

Well , um,

Anitra: 58:05

Ha I knew that was be <laugh>

Andre: 58:07

Having the past , that I had tread lightly . Let's get rid , tread lightly . Some things that I've done in Let's get rid of that . Let's , let's , let's get of

Anitra: 58:16

That start to say, well, who does it really help? <laugh> . Listen .

Andre: 58:20

Listen . If we're gonna continue , then I'm gonna need us put more money in things like , uh, all purpose cleaner . So I down I've , yeah , the two , oh , the , the balance. The balance. That's what I , that's my verse . If you're gonna keep the d n a fingerprint, then just understand, I'm gonna keep some 4 0 9 . You got your d something that I got my oh nine completely .

Anitra: 58:49

I love it. Um, let's do maybe two more. Okay. Well this , and this is actually a real invention. Two day underwear. So it's underwear that has four leg holes . So you wear one side the first day and then you can rotate. Can I the second side ,

Andre: 59:06

Can I stop you

Anitra: 59:10

The real invention ? Google it .

Andre: 59:13

Oh my God . So unnecessary . So unnecessary . Whoever invented it was unnecessary . Whoever, whoever kid . No . Whatever patent was used unnecessary. I'm just so

Anitra: 59:26

Busy. I don't have time.

Andre: 59:27

Okay . No , no . Listen , listen. Lemme tell you something. Lemme tell you something . I'm gonna say, whoever invented this is the exception to the living the life in a vacuum rule . I need you to live your life by yourself. <laugh> , go right on in that vacuum . If you come with me , that's probably what's already happening. <laugh> , if you come with to me and you're wearing day two of your two day draws, LA Doc <laugh> doc , no, no, no. Don't talk to me. Don't come by me. <laugh> . You know what? Now that I know it's event , I'm starting to ask people, are you on your day two or your two day draws <laugh> ? If you're , talk to me tomorrow . Tomorrow only talk to me when you're on day, day of your day . No , sir . To me , that's ,

Anitra: 1:00:17

That's probably the person that, that actually has been in the vacuum they talking to, they self created .

Andre: 1:00:21

That's when they came up with two , they ,

Anitra: 1:00:23

Their imaginary self needed draw <laugh> .

Andre: 1:00:26

They to come out, come out and connect , you know, and , and think of that conversation. They done talking themselves so much that they obviously came into argument and said, get out my draws. Get in your own draw . <laugh> , are you kidding me? Don't talk to me on day two . If you wear a two day draw ,

Anitra: 1:00:47

Don't talk to me . Oh my God. Oh , that's so good .

Andre: 1:00:49

You're ce to society . You wait for me .

Anitra: 1:00:54

Oh , <laugh> . Oh, that's so good. Okay. Um, do I wanna do one ? Let's do maybe one more. Um , okay. Necessary or useless. A high-end, high quality deluxe burger at McDonald's?

Andre: 1:01:08

No , no . Useless, useless , uh, number for a couple reasons. Number one , that's an oxymoronic statement. Lemme just , lemme just start there. Okay . Okay . Don't listen. If I look in the back and I don't see a sous-chef or an executive chef cooking this deluxe burger,

Anitra: 1:01:27

Right ?

Andre: 1:01:28

Let , if this burger comes in a combo, <laugh> No , no , no , no. Absolutely not. Oh God . And then the second thing is, is you're using that to drive up prices of the nuggets. Yes. That's why you're using that. Drive up the prices of the nuggets.

Anitra: 1:01:45

Sweet .

Andre: 1:01:46

I'll not pay more than a dollar 29 for six nuggets. You didn't use this executive level burger that's got a Michelin rating. So now you can charge my six nuggets at $3 . You ain't fooling nobody. Absolutely not McDonald's. Absolutely not.

Anitra: 1:02:01

Oh , that's so funny. And apparently they had this, and obviously like you said, the , the world also agreed with you. 'cause they had some sort of art something burger back in, I think in the eighties, that they were trying to do their high-end version. It was like, we don't go to McDonald's for that <laugh> . Right ? We go for convenience . Stop it . Ain't nobody coming here . I I want count . I'm gonna go somewhere else. Right . Stop it . Just stop. So they had to , they had to kill it. They had to kill it. They realized , oh , that is not the, we are not the answer. Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . <affirmative> , we're not the solution to the high end burger. So , mm-hmm . With that , uh, let's transition. So, bro , bro , what you got for the final blow ?

Andre: 1:02:34

So, so we're , we're talking again about getting in where you fit in. And our hope is that you've got a sense of, you know, do you belong? You know, is this, is this really where you can be your authentic self? And you gotta be able to understand that being in a space where you are belonging or needed to the point where you're belonging, it's always bigger picture understanding that's required. Meaning, if I'm needed, oftentimes I'm only being seen for , for , for myself, or I only see myself trying to meet a goal. But when I belong, I'm always able to see bigger than me. I belong here to the picture, bigger than me. And what brings value is when you understand that even though the picture's bigger than you, without you, the bigger picture can't be met . There's a , uh, there's a , there's a proverb that Solomon writes in the 21st chapter of Proverbs 31st verse . It says, the horse is prepared for the battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord. And so it's in that case, when I feel like I'm belonging, I realize my job is just to be the prepared battle, battle . My , my job to be the prepared horse . My job is to be prepared, and I'm prepared by being my authentic and existential self. But when I belong, I also recognize that together we all about to get this victory. We all about to get this win. This w is on our way because all of us have a relational value that we're bringing to the table. That's what it ought to feel like when you get in where you fit in . That's what it ought to feel like. It ought to feel like you belong here. It ought to feel like you are able to fix your little old tambourine through and just get a little, get a little take on there. And occasionally they part and you get center stage and you play your ine like nobody's business. And the overall concert, it was a victory as a result of you doing your part because you belong . When we say get in, when you fit in, be self-aware, know that you belong there. Know that they, you're who you are. You're giftedness your authentic self. It was called to be in this scenario. And that's how you know that it's time for you to absolutely get into it. Get in where you fit in . That , that is my final love .

Anitra: 1:05:02

I love it. So we've come to the end of the episode. As always, thank you so much for joining us for this episode. Please help us build the savage

Andre: 1:05:13

Siblings community.

Anitra: 1:05:14

We need you guys to like , to care , to comment, to leave a review. Please subscribe and then send this to your favorite Savage sibling and all your family members, you know, share your thoughts with us about being needed. We absolutely wanna hear from the middle children. What are your thoughts about being needed in family dynamics, younger siblings, older siblings? Shout us out. Share your thoughts. And maybe you know, about a useless invention or something that somebody created that is completely pointless. Please share that in the comments. Let us know. And , uh, so Al so always glad that you guys are rocking with us . We wanna shout out our amazing team of people that make this possible. Dwayne McClendon and Kyle Davis, our sound editors. Ronnie Maxwell of Maxwell. Music , music , music producer, Keith Cross of Kross Photography. Thank you always . K . Amazing photos. Our parents for their d n a , the parentals, all the funny life lessons, things that they have taught us and passed on to us. And lastly, but certainly not least, you, the listeners, we're so glad you're here . We're gonna see you guys next time. And remember, don't go through life alone . Take care .